You won't believe this: Though I am officially divorced now, Lake Michigan still exists! The universe didn't explode when the judge signed our divorce decree.
Since the Traverse City Film Festival is on this week, I had to pay a ridiculous amount of $ for my beach-access hotel room, so I am going to spend the rest of the daylight hours on the beach.
Yesterday was totally weird. I'm not feeling too bad today - which is awesome, but I was expecting to be a wreck. So I don't know what happened. Hopefully something really did shift in me. I guess maybe (hopefully) it finally sank in that I really don't know what's going to happen next. I worked so hard for so long to stop the day from coming and it came anyway. Now who knows?
Anyway, the front desk just called and told me to scoot out of here! I can still use the beach but I gotta get out of this room!
You won't believe this: Though I am officially divorced now, Lake Michigan still exists! The universe didn't explode when the judge signed our divorce decree.
Haha. That's great! Yeah it seems we dread things and then they happen and... nothing. Life goes on and the world keeps spinning!
Everything is making me cry. One minute I think I'm feeling truly content and grateful for all of my blessings, and then the next minute I want to move to a cave in Tibet and tell everyone IRL to FO. All I can say is that this sucks.
THIS is the story of the LBS
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
Well I for one am happy to hear that the drain at the bottom of Lake Michigan is still plugged and the water didn't drain all out :-)! I'm glad that things were not as difficult as you feared yesterday - that is always a pleasant surprise. Maybe this will help to give you a bit of closure. Enjoy your time up in TC!
Aah, BA, in some ways I wish it was closure, but I don't think we're there quite yet. It's just a new chapter in the ongoing saga. Lake Michigan was beyond gorgeous and just what I needed for perspective, but the ride home was a beast.
I'll say just a bit about yesterday.
Mr. A looked amazing. And he talked amazing too. Not about how much he loves me (none of that), but just his normal chit-chatting. I could listen to him all day.. I still totally love him so much.
But I can sum the actual divorce up in one word: procedural.
These people have it down to a science. They've dedicated their lives to not getting involved in YOUR divorce. The whole process was so ????????? that it was nearly impossible to bring in any emotion!
Not disappointed though - actually kind of grateful that "they" made it seem so removed from anything real between Josh and me that it seemed like a movie...
Now I can hit on the real stuff myself. Trying to channel New Mama's awesome attitude!!!!
Wow, it's so crazy how this works. I think I'm FINALLY entering the anger stage. I mean, I've been mad at XH on and off this whole time, but now I'm like mad at the world. I'm just in a totally schitti (is that proper Italian ) mood.
So in an attempt to reflect, I guess I'll share a little bit more about my interest in golf and, by way of that, a little more about me and Mr. A.
Mr. A and I were having problems when he left, but he left without warning. I was totally blindsided. Up to pretty much the day he left, we were making plans for the near future and the long term. AND - I was unwittingly DB'ing (but also pursuing) and he assured me that "we" were fine. With all of that, it was REALLY hard for me to believe that he wasn't coming back...
Reminder: he left on 4/2/09. So one of our plans (that we were talking about just days before) was to take golf lessons over the summer (of '09). I have never played a sport in my life and Mr. A is naturally athletic and good at all sports. Golf was my idea and he was really excited that I actually wanted to do something physically active. We'd been talking about it for probably a couple of years, but it just hadn't materialized.
The first couple of months after Mr. A left were really freaky for me. Surreal. I was alternating between being comatose and preparing for his return. Then I started GAL'ing. At that point I hadn't discovered DB yet but my instincts just took over.
I fortuitously happened upon a beginner group golf lesson package offered by the local Rec & Ed. I decided to take it. I think I learned about it the day of the first lesson, so I just headed out there after work and gave it a shot. I didn't have golf clubs or anything.
Well it turned out that I wasn't really in the mental space to take golf lessons. My teacher then, Martin, was a nice retired engineer who worked very hard to get PGA accreditation, but he was very esoteric in his teaching. Not my bag at the time. Plus the fact that it was mostly couples in the class was driving me nuts. (Or more accurately, was making me bawl at inappropriate times!) Anyway, I think I made it to four of the six or seven scheduled lessons and they were pretty traumatic.
The lesson package culminated in an actual scramble on course - my first time on a golf course - and it was unbearable to me. There were so many couples learning how to golf together and I was alone. I quit!
Ok, I didn't totally quit. I continued to go to the driving range for the rest of the summer and fall. I found it very soothing.
The lessons also paid off in a short-term way with Mr. A. We had a fake reconciliation in August (2009) and I think he was initially re-turned on by my new found "athleticism". I don't even want to get into that now - I f'd that opportunity up terribly. Still hadn't found DB.
Mr. A filed for divorce on 3/15/10 and - we learned later - our first court date was on 5/12. It was a pretrial conference during which we were ordered to schedule and carry out mediation prior to our final hearing, which was scheduled then for 6/23. If you've been following my thread, you probably already know that the final hearing was postponed the first time.
Anyhow, the court thing on 5/12 totally mobilized me. I don't know where my mind was before that day, but after that day I was like, OMG - I need to get things in order! Mr. A could come here anytime to carry out the stuff we discussed today, and I want it to look like I'm happy, fulfilled, and MOVING ON!!! I changed the house around, I took down all of his pictures - I was a BEAST!!
Still hadn't found DB.