My H walked out on us July 18 after 2 days of arguing. I got really tired of hearing him threatening me to walk out so I showed him the door.
We have two small children and have been together 10 years, married 8. He initiated contact 2 days later wanting to see the kids. I complied and after they were put to bed, I tried to talk to him. He got defensive and walked away. He sent me an email 3 days later stating he needed to see 'changes' and had a laundry list of 2 things, complaining and an in-law thing. I replied and commented on his requests and then gave him mine. He did not comment.
I got a call on Monday stating he needed to 'talk' etc. He never showed up. I did not call him back and ask why. After he walked away from me the first time, I just hide in my room and avoid him. I can't seem to get through to him and I am so pent up with anger/frustration/resentment that I just can't look at him.
I'm not sure if he wants a divorce or not. He's sending me mixed signals. He does however know that I filed for child support. I think he wants to 'separate' for a while while doing MC. Personally, I don't 'believe' in 'separating'. Why prolong it? It's either work on the marriage or get divorced. I am willing to try for my kids but I will not allow him to have his cake and eat it too...meaning, stay at his single pals house, have the weekends and Friday nights free doing his thing while I watch the kids 24-7 and have no life of my own.
My question is, how...HOW can I let him know that I either want to work on the marriage or divorce (no separating) without him getting mad/defensive. If I let him have his way, he will milk this for all it's worth. Who wouldn't? He gets to have fun and see his kids whenever HE feels like it.
Also, if I do MC with him, what should I expect on the first visit?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank You!
My question is, how...HOW can I let him know that I either want to work on the marriage or divorce (no separating) without him getting mad/defensive. If I let him have his way, he will milk this for all it's worth. Who wouldn't? He gets to have fun and see his kids whenever HE feels like it.
My question is, how...HOW can I let him know that I either want to work on the marriage or divorce (no separating) without him getting mad/defensive.
TS,
I don't accept your premise, and either should you.
Whether or not he gets "mad/defensive" should have absolutely NO bearing on what your decision-making is.
If I could give you ONE PIECE of advice for DBing, it would be this:
Stop operating from a position of "What will he do if I do/say thus-and-such? Will he be angry? How will his reaction make ME feel?"
and instead, learn to operate from a basis of: What is THE RIGHT THING TO DO in this situation? What is the thing that God Himself would have me do, if He were standing right in front of me?
TS - try to view this as a window of opportunity. Were you happy with the way things were? Were you happy with who you were? Are you happy with how you are acting now or do you feel a little desperate and out of control?
Read the quotes on here. They helped me tremendously. Read other threads.
You have started down a new path in your M. You do have control over how you choose to navigate that path. What do YOU want? Think about that goal and work towards it.
He: WAH Me: LBW Precious: DD
~ I'm grateful for every day I have to improve the way I relate.
Is there another OP? I don't think so BUT a year and a half ago I put a keylogger on his computer and found he was sending out emails to women from a free dating web site. The reason why I don't think there's another person is because he is generally a couch potato..unless he does it during work hours, I don't see how he would find the time.
What is THE RIGHT THING TO DO in this situation? The right thing to do is TRY and work it out. Unfortunately if anything is left to him, he will take his sweet time, whether its divorce, setting up a MC appointment etc. This is how he generally operates. If it takes effort, he will leave it on the backburner.
There are things he has never been open about. Our sex life has been nonexistant. I have not 'let myself go'. If anything, it has been him. When we were dating, he was using viagra, he was 37 years old. He did this without telling me. I found out myself. 4 months into the marriage, I found nude photos of him on a digital camera. His explanation was because he thought he was 'shrinking'. I guess he never heard of a ruler. I know that he does have ED but he will never admit it. When I ask him why he never approaches me, his response was, you don't like sex. Now his response is, you're bad in bed. Is he gay? I don't think so.
I also want to add that prior to meeting me, his longest relationship lasted 6 months...and he was 37. Red flag! I don't know what to make of all this. I'm not a psychiatrist but I know something is wrong.
