How To Tell The Kids

[DanF]

Thanks LSG. Right back at you. I just read the new posts on your thread too. Try to keep your chin up.

IDU - you too.

I think we area all doing pretty good considering where we are at. Just keep focused, stay detached and protect yourselves and your families. That is the best we can do at the moment.

Hang tough guys. We are all here for each other.

My D just cracked me up! First she told me that I need to change my facebook relationship status from Married. Then she pointed at a collage picture frame that I put together for my W for Valentine's Day, with pics of us as a couple, and said, "I guess this was for nothing!" I said "I guess they were all for nothing", and she said "Yeah. Especially this one, as she pointed to W and I's wedding picture." Classic. She then suggested that I take those pictures out and put some other ones in.

I suppose I should have said something nice to her to refute the comments, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

Actually, I have thought about taking down the wedding picture. What's the point?

Take care guys.

[Steve McQueen]

My D just cracked me up! First she told me that I need to change my facebook relationship status from Married. Then she pointed at a collage picture frame that I put together for my W for Valentine's Day, with pics of us as a couple, and said, "I guess this was for nothing!" I said "I guess they were all for nothing", and she said...

and she said ...

Dad, I'm nine years old. You should have said your mom is the most incredible woman in the world. Look at us. I was so in love in that picture. Wow! And we made you. Hey, you want to drive over to the piggly-wiggly and get a couple pints of ben and jerry's.

[DanF]

You are right Steve. I wish I was better at this. D does know how much I love W still, but you answer was SO MUCH better than mine. I guess it still just hurts so much that it is hard to see past it.

I have to do better with the kids.

[Jstar]

DanF,

I just read through your posts and I am impressed.

I love how you handled the money discussions and division and your w's responses and reactions.

you actually got me all pepped up. for a long time i've thought if i filed something with the court it meant automatically the marriage was over, what everyone has been telling me and trying to get me to see is that i have to protect my children.

a cop friend of mine also said if h leaves country with the kids then the f.b.i. would be involved, but i think maybe h maybe to scared to go that far. but i never know for sure.

your wanting to get things done before the court decides since it's such a long ways off, got me motivated. i feel like now just growing my balls back-i have been to afraid to do anything.

i still think i'm doing and not doing things to get h back, bad focus jstar....

[DanF]

Thanks for the positive feedback Jstar. I still have a long way to go.

Try to remember this - NO FEAR! It was fear of losing my W that caused me to do all the wrong things to win her back and I think I lost all of her respect. I became a doormat.

Glad to get you pepped-up. That is what we need at this point in our R and our life. Remember, this is a long life that will outlast this R if it fails and your kids need you to have a GREAT life! Be strong for them.

As you can see from mine and Steve's posts above, I haven't always done well with my kids. I tend to get too negative about the sitch, but I really haven't said anything bad about their Mom, just haven't been very positive either.

I'll have my first court date on Monday, so that should be interesting. Last night I thought, maybe I should have sat in court for a few proceedings so that I would know better what to expect, but it is too late now. I am one of those guys who really likes to be prepared. Just ask my atty. I am driving her nuts with all my questions and proposals!! We actually do have a bit of fun with each other tho.

Sorry to hear that you have worries about your H taking the kids out of the country. That has to be VERY TOUGH to deal with. I don't know what to tell you there.

Get your balls back, get your focus back and press forward. It is the best thing that you can do now. It is hard to see it when all of this is blinding you, but you can do it.

Hang in there and stay in touch.

[Jstar]

The fact that you refused to leave your home and children because of your w's issues demonstrates strength to you children.

children are smart and they understand the deal to some point. you refused to allow the problems with your wife interfer with that relationship, thumbs up.

mine has pretty much treated the kids and relationship as a revolving door. I've drafted something for him having to do with transportation, childcare and money. it's very lengthy but would like an opinion.

H the next pieces of information have been carefully thought out and are in the best interests of the children. I’m sure you will agree that they come first and foremost in any and all situations. Granted some of the things both you and I must do for them may cause us some inconvenience, juggling schedules, and what have you, but they have suffered long enough.
The goal here is to maintain d and s's lifestyle, schedule just as if we were together. They do not need to get the short end of the stick since you chose to abandoned this family.

Our children will no longer be exposed to riding the bus system. It is not in their best interests.

As their father you will arrive at our home no later than 6:00AM Monday - Friday, excluding holidays, so I can catch the 6:30 bus to work. You will care for the children until both d and s have breakfast in their home, are bathed-if needed, dressed, and ready to go. After they are ready you will transport them with their car seats (until you purchase new approved car seats & submit a copy of the receipt to me)to your home in which they will remain in your sole care until you are required to work.
Any vehicle they are transported in will have state mandated insurance and the driver will have a valid driver's license. If you are unable or unwilling to obtain insurance, there are options available, we as their parents need to work together on it for their safety, well being, being good lawful role models for our children.
Option 1-you obtain state mandated provable insurance for the truck and occupants in your household
Option 2 – Truck transferred to my name and I place insurance on it for all drivers in my home
Option 3- unable to discuss at this time
You will need to be available over the next few weeks, to transport s to my work so I can feed him on demand since he is a breast fed baby who has rejected the bottle. Every three hours he must eat 4-7 ounces of breast milk, failure to do so will be harmful for his growth and cause health problems and he may fail to thrive.
Every 3 hours I will get an update as to his eating habits via telephone call to -. Every 1-2 hours s will have his diaper visibly checked to insure he is not wet or soiled his diaper. You and your mother will be provided documentation to fill out when he poops and pees along with the date and time.
After my work day I will need to be picked up to prevent and to reduce the time the children have away from me and transported to our home. To ensure they are returned to their home to eat dinner, bathe if necessary, complete our bed time routines, do chores, etc.
Remember the goal here have the least amount of disruption to their lifestyle, schedule, way of life consistent with what they would have grown up in had you not abandoned us; to give our children consistency, a routine and schedules.
Financial:

h you as THE NON-CUSTODIAL parent, thinks that:

If I don’t get what I want from the custodial parent, it’s ok to withhold a support payment.

Sorry, but this is not OK. It is a privilege and a responsibility to take care of your child’s emotional and financial needs. Re: http://familysupportcenter.maricopa.gov/tiesandknots/PQ.html
Based upon state child support guidelines our adjusted gross income is well over $Xamount , and for 2 children to be raised by both parents as if we were together, the cost to raise them is $x amount, that amount is based upon a % and does not include cost of healthcare. A fair amount for you to pay is $200 a week, to be paid each Monday via deposit into a bank account.
$800 total.
-160 (I directly pay your mother weekly $40) -$250 health care which I pay directly) which leaves only $x amount that you are actually paying for child support to me. That is a deal. If we went to court it would be more.

now to let youknow why i'm court shy is due to prior marriage, had custody trial i was not represented with an attorney, decision did not go well at all. this is my biggest fear. not well in the sense that h had attorney that was friends with the judge, exh got costody and i ended uppaying child support. judeges words' i don't doubt the love mom has for child, but her character something like that.

[DanF]

I don't think I am qualified to really give an answer on this.

I would normally think that expecting H to bring S to your work every three hours would be unreasonable, but you have special circumstances with the feeding.

The other stuff seems ok, but I really am not versed in and don't have any experience here to really give a good answer.

Maybe one of the vets has an opinion?

Sorry to let you down, but I guess it couldn't hurt to discuss this with him and see what he says. It is a good start at least. You are laying down expectations and have a plan in place. If he doesn't agree, ask him for HIS plan.

Hopefully someone smarter will come along to help.

[A_goodman]

You guys have always been and will always be aces with me. I'll check in later. Gotta trim the hedges before dark.

Hey Dan, what's this mean? Is this some sort of EUPHEMISM that Goodman's using here? Damn, where's my Guy Code De-Coder Ring???

Puppy

I'll never tell!

Actually, after a couple hours of yard work and working out after, I totally crapped out last night, so didn't get back to you guys.

I'm with you on the claro/colorado/maduro thing. I don't usually gravitate towards the claros (except for the Hoyo). Sometimes it's nice to have a light smoke for a change, but I usually like the complexity in the darker wrapper.

Dan, the Scorps absolutely tore it up. They sounded like a band that has been doing this for almost 40 years together should. They were really tight and together. If you didn't know how long they've been around, you'd never guess they were not young/wild rockers. Not at all like some of the re-union shows I've caught. The Who at the superbowl (on TV) just made me sad.

I'm glad you guys agreed with me about Barkley's old lady. When I read that yesterday, I stopped what I was doing and pounded my reply out on my phone. Good thing I suck at phone typing. It made me slow down and kept me from firing off a much longer and...well, let's just say I gave him the Disney version of what I was thinking.

Pup, I like the "Country Hardball" phrase. I'm going to hip pocket that.

cheers,

[Coach]

now to let youknow why i'm court shy is due to prior marriage, had custody trial i was not represented with an attorney

Find yourself the best attorney for yourself.
You need to hire a L nobody here can tell you if your draft is binding or enforcable. The legal system is in place for a reason use it to your advantage.

[idontunderstand]

It's sometimes shocking to me, still, how much the kids pick up on. It's a shame. I keep trying to remember that they will know, someday, how much we tried and how much we love them no matter what happens with their mom and me.