Some of you may have noticed that I got embroiled in a discussion on the Surviving board recently. Some women were making gross generalizations about men, such as implying that they are somehow inferior because they move on to a new R more quickly after a loss. As the tone became more male-bashing, I felt compelled to come to the defense of men in general, and the men on the boards in particular. This resulted in me receiving an email from one of the women attacking me personally because I disagreed with her!
Now – I don’t TAKE it personally. I understand this woman is coming from a point of pain and disappointment in her life right now. And it would be a cheeseless tunnel to continue a discussion with her. But it did make me think about the whole issue of bitterness and Dbing, and how it affects us all.
It seems to me, that bitterness comes from that raw, aching need for love COUPLED with the belief that we cannot get what we need.
The need for love alone, when combined with hope and confidence that that need will eventually be met, does not result in bitterness. It is when that need is coupled with the BELIEF that it won’t be met that bitterness sets in.
All of us here on these boards know what that feels like – even those of us successfully piecing have had some serious bouts with bitterness along the way. Yet it is our beliefs that influence whether we experience bitterness.
(I’m reading a good book right now by Hyrum Smith called What Matters Most. In it, he talks about “Belief Windows” – beliefs we hold that affect our perception of the world and our unconscious behavior in it. If the results of your behavior meet your needs over time, you probably have a correct belief. If the results of your behaviors is not meeting your needs over time, you may have an incorrect belief. Growth is the process of updating those beliefs.)
It seems to me that the miracle of DBing is the ability to move through this process and exit without bitterness, whether the marriage was saved or not. I have seen so many people here do just that, often in the most dire circumstances. And I contrast that with my FIL, who has never gotten over the tragedy of his WAW almost 30 years ago. His bitterness has permeated his life and still does.
How do our beliefs affect Dbing? One of the most obvious ways is in the very beginning. Most of us went from the belief that infidelity meant the end of a marriage, to the hope (after reading Michelle’s books) that our marriages could be saved. That new belief that marriages could recover from infidelity allowed us to work effectively on our relationships.
For many of us, relief first appeared at the moment that we realized we would be okay no matter what happened. Not surprisingly, that new belief often resulted in us behaving unconsciously in ways that got us closer to our goals. Even for those whose relationships were clearly ending, that new belief that our needs would be met in time – if not by our spouse then by some new R in the future – is key. This is usually the point at which bitterness starts to leave.
Some of us in Piecing still struggle with bitterness – but this is usually as a result of our belief that our needs are not going to be met over time. If we could know for sure that the end result of all our hard work was going to be a fulfilling loving relationship with our spouse in which our needs were being met, bitterness would not really be an issue. Of course, no one can know that for sure. Still, if you knew that if your R ultimately failed, you are now a person who would attract a quality new R into your life in the future that would meet your needs – wouldn’t the bitterness also fade? This is why it is so important to do the work on yourself that needs to be done – so you can reach that point of confidence.
I’m sure many of you have ideas you could contribute on this theme. Please feel free to add them.
The discussion over in 'Surviving' is pretty lively...it's one thread that I might have jumped into a year ago but no anymore. You're right it's a cheeseless tunnel. Ripe with bitterness.
“Belief Windows” ... you probably have a correct belief. If the results of your behaviors is not meeting your needs over time, you may have an incorrect belief. Growth is the process of updating those beliefs.
Over time, it's easy to lose sight of one's beliefs in a marriage. At least it was for me.
Having rediscovered them has helped me a lot. When I'm faced with difficult decisions it's nice to be guided by some basic beliefs...makes things a lot easier, at least for me.;)
ha, i am with tal, had to think about it before commenting - i too have been following the thread in question - so before i comment, i wanna count my chickens
Quote: i too have been following the thread in question - so before i comment, i wanna count my chickens
don't wanna get on the bad side of some people
Kitti - please don't consider this a continuation of the discussion on that other thread!!! No - it just got me thinking about the topic of bitterness in general - and how our beliefs affect our outcomes - and what it is about DBing that allows us all to let go of so much potential bitterness.
Quote: It seems to me, that bitterness comes from that raw, aching need for love COUPLED with the belief that we cannot get what we need.
this particular point was brought up recently by karen in sage's thread - not exactly in this context but similar - sometimes like sage, i can't exactly put my finger on what i am bitter about. is it him, or is it me?
Quote: Most of us went from the belief that infidelity meant the end of a marriage, to the hope (after reading Michelle’s books) that our marriages could be saved.
here is where i had a most difficult time, because i was one that said in my marriage that if he EVER cheated on me, i was OUT the door. i cannot believe that in one day, my whole belief system changed, and i think i struggled with forgiving myself more than i struggled with forgiving him.
in looking back i was more mad at myself then i was at him. bitter i believe at me, to not know enough about myself to know exactly what i wanted. it actually took me a good FIVE MONTHS before i came to a clear decision that i could live with and fight for.
Quote: Some of us in Piecing still struggle with bitterness – but this is usually as a result of our belief that our needs are not going to be met over time.
ah, i think this is the crux of the matter here. this is where you really have to realize that your needs cannot be met if you have no idea what your needs are. most of us are so totally unaware of what our needs actually are. we just meander thru life counting on other people knowing what it's gonna take to make us ultimately happy
nope, that cannot happen. we first have to know what makes us happy, what brings us INNER joy before we can ever accept anything from anyone
those are my thoughts, quickly - but i am gonna ponder this a bit more
