And so it goes

[ericmsant2]

ITay,

I am not sure if you will appreciate this post and by all means you can feel free to tell me to go pound sand or go F – myself. I am posting this because I care ITay..I really do. I am not trying to hurt you. I just do not want to see you hurt. I really don’t.

First off, every case of MLC is different. There are similarity but really everyone person is different so consider this when you read the rest of this post.

You join the boards on 7/6 (23 days ago).

And now you have given him an ultimatum, which it appears has prompted him to reconsider and begin working on the M. historically, this has not worked (at least from my time on the boards and reading the archives) so I would be very careful as you move forward.

So do you feel that you have done the work on yourself so that you fixed/addressed some of the issues that brought you here to begin with?

Do you think that your H has worked through his MLC issue in a few months?

So what work did you need to do….

I believe that for someone who claimed to be controlling (on 7/6 you admitted to being “a bit controlling”); applying the last resort technique, which is what you did, on someone in a MLC does not work. At least not in the long term.

IMO, you have “exerted” your control over the situation. You wanted what you wanted NOW and so you played your card. To me, it tells me that you have not dealt with your control issues.

You admitted to being the “take charge” type person in the M – here is your quote on 7/6.

He has problems with decision making so I naturally assumed the role, someone had to

This is control.

You told your H about the MLC and this site..
[qupte]On 7/6 you posted….And yes, he does know about this place. I thought it would be good for him to know what he was dealing with so I sent him the link to the archived post "MLC for Dummies". [/quote]
This is control IMO

ITay – I have watched your post very closely and I sooooo hope that your attempt at reconciliation with your H are successful. I just find it hard to believe that in 23 days, you’ve addressed your issues, H has addressed his issues, H has fully gotten over his little ML crisits OP and that both of you may not be ready to do the work needed to try to avoid this from happening in the future.

May I ask what prompted you to use an ultimatum? You said that you were patient…

On 7/6 you told us you were a “VERY PATIENT PERSON’

Yet as patient as you are you decided to give him an ultimatum even after you posted this on 7/6…

you're right..I am not prepared to give any kind of ultimatum because I want this to work.

To me it scream like you wanted your M back at whatever cost and you were going to get it.
Could it be that you want this M to work right now because YOU do not want to change your lifestyle as opposed to waiting it out and doing the work for you.

On 7/6 you posted….

”I am more of a spender than he is.”

but to do that I would need to sell our house and move from here which means D

Could it be that you finally caved under the pressure?
On 7/6 you posted….

think my C feels that I should tell him to give her up totally or get out and get divorced. it is my belief that he thinks it will shock him into reality

On 7/6 you posted….

Most of my support group is looking at me like I'm crazy and wondering out loud why I put up with all this.

Look ITay, I do not want this (see below) to happen to you again (from your post on 7/6)

He moved out (not w/her) the end of December 2009 and then back in Feb then out again first part of March, then back in in April.

He was VERY resentful when he moved back after breaking it off, saying he thought he moved back for the wrong reasons and feeling like he'd given up the love of his life and eternal happiness because he didn't want to leave me with nothing.

ITay…please be careful, don’t push, go slow, continue to give him space…and MORE importantly continue to make those changes in YOU.

God Bless,
Eric

[LanceSijan]

Well said Eric.

Itay listen, everyone is trying to get through to you.
They have words of wisdom.
We have all been here before.
There are no shortcuts.
The only way over the mountain range is straight up and then down.
You cannot try any other route.
They will not work.
They will be a cheeseless tunnel.
Get MWD's book, DR and read it.

We will all still be here when you need us.

[punkin]

lTay - email please.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Eric,

I'm as skeptical as the next guy, and was one of the original "wet-blankets" to post thusly above. But in re-reading ltay's description of the events, I'm not seeing any "ultimatum" or "control" here:

Friday I decided to tell my H that I couldn't go on this way and ask him what he wanted to do about it. I needed to have things change, I just couldn't keep obsessing, crying, hoping, talking, etc about all of it. My friends and family were wanting the old me back and I was just tired. I was stuck and the GAL thing wasn't happening. So, I just let go..I was ready to accept his answer to be done and move on. When i said that to him on friday night, he said what I thought he would say..ya, this isn't working for me either, i'm not happy, we need to go our separate ways. I said ok, we'll sit down and divide things up on paper in the morning over coffee and be done then. Then I went to my room and read. Saturday morning, we did just that. I was crying cuz it was sad, but stuck it out. Then Saturday night we had a glass of wine and talked. I asked him why he never tried. I just wanted to know. We ended up talking for 2 hours and at the end he surprised me by saying,"What kinds of things did you want me to do to "try"" and then.."Well, why don't you let me think about all this over night". I honestly wasn't sure what to say.

(all emphasis mine)

HE asked HER what it would take, and she told him. How is that an "ultimatum"???

The way I see it, this was more of the "Let them Go" approach that Robx and Gucci have been preaching (to largely deaf ears) over in Newcomers for so long, than an ultimatum.

But I DO remain skeptical, mostly of the transparency "plan".

Puppy

[Truegritter]

My only follow up to that would be that it appears to me Taylor that your decision was made to "let go"

Because you couldn't detach, GAL and do 180s for you.

You couldn't take the pain that must be endured or "pushed" through to the other side.

And that is a shame IMO.

I agree with "letting go" BUT

Do the work.

Letting go because you can't do the work then you have sold yourself short IMO.

[LanceSijan]

They are both cycling. At this point the cycles are bring them closer together. What happens when this push's them apart?
That is the true test of your relationship.
When the going gets tough, do the tough get going?

[ltaylor]

Eric, I understand what you are saying. But Puppy is right..there was no control. I didn't ask him to make some sort of decision to control the sitch. I was just tired of living like this. I have changed so much and it hasn't been just since i joined this board. He told me about his A the beginning of Nov. '09. So we have been dealing with this for almost 9 months. The OP has moved out of state, they have not seen each other for 4 months, but still text and talk on the phone. Because of that, he can't emotionally re-attach to me. I haven't been intimate with anyone for 18 months. I just got tired of it and when I read about all the stories here I realized that I could wait for years til he comes out of this and we still may not even make it. So, I made the decision to accept whatever decision he made. I have done work on myself... and so has he..we have learned more about each other in the past 9 months than we have in the 20 years we've been together, I have been giving it my all. But he was just hanging around, doing nothing and I didn't want that life anymore.

I still love him, want to be married to him and all that..but decided that if he wasn't going to even try some of the things I had previously asked for or suggested, then I needed to move on...for me. I have mentioned the horrible winters here..it's the end of July, and I still have a chance to get out of here before the snow flys. I know you guys think us LBSers should hang in there and be patient and take all the BS, but I had had enough. If I had seen some hope, I might have stuck it out longer before asking him about it, but I didn't see any hope. It had gotten really icky here..I felt like he was sneaking around, hiding things and every time I looked at his face it reminded me of what we used to have and it just made me incredibly sad, wanting that. I'm probably just weak..but I couldn't do it anymore. If he wanted out, then i was going to accept his decision. But he said he'd try a little harder and he has..and that is all I was asking for. Control? no. doing this together? yes. And we are now, so I can stay for a little longer. Patient? yes, in my opinion. As patient as I can be.

We seem to have the friendship part pretty much locked up..it's the intimacy part that needs some help. That it why I suggested counseling. To see if we can get that back. I think what has happened to us is that we are best friends and somehow the bounderies between being husband and wife and best friends got blurred or overstepped each other. i don't know how to change that.

Any ideas you guys might have in regards to finding the right kind of counselor for what we need, would be appreciated. I don't relish the idea of going from marriage counselor to MC just trying to find the one we will click with..even tho I guess that is the way it works. Hopefully we'll find one that applies the principles as MWD. Ideas? Suggestions? Is there a place on this forum or the DB webiste that would list counselors in my area or how do I find out what the philosophy of a counselor is before investing alot of time and money into one I just pick out of the phone book?

[ericmsant2]

ITay

I understand sweetie..you know what is best for you. I was only trying to point out what I saw.

I wish you and your H the best. Keep working sweetie...keep working.

In terms of a counselor - trying contacting the DB 1-800 # and see if they have some ideas.

God Bless,
Eric

[ltaylor]

Eric..thanks for the info. I'll see if I can find the 800 number and ask them for local counselors.

I'm going to be ok..and I hope my H will be too. Maybe he really isn't MLC, maybe he was WAS. Not sure at this point. Maybe a marriage counselor can determine that.

I read some of your post from another thread and wanted to wish you my best with your sitch also. You sound good and like you have definately done your homework. These types of situations are necessary for growth and I can see you're growing. Good for you. I hope your W will see that too.

[PEI]

I know you guys think us LBSers should hang in there and be patient and take all the BS

Not necessarily Taylor ... careful with those generalizations

I googled "marriage friendly" MCs ... and solution oriented MCs and found lots of lists that were good for the USA ... give it a try.

My advice would be to call/email around and ask specific questions ...

- Are you trained in couples therapy (as opposed to practising couples therapy after having been trained in individual therapy)?
- Are you PRO marriage?
- Do you practise solution-oriented therapy?
- Are you familiar with MWD's style of MC? Gottman's?
- Anecdotally, what percentage of your clients stay together vs. divorce?

Now, keep in mind that not all therapists are going to answer those questions directly or with specific numbers but their answers should be very revealing to you. Hopefully the call/email will save you venturing into the office of one who would do more harm than good! I'm a big believer in "bad therapy is worse than no therapy".

Good luck,
Peace
PEI