Another thought. A friend said to me early in my sitch to cut off all contact with WH and not try to win him back until he was over his nonsense with the OW, otherwise I would lose my love and respect for him (which would jeopardise any chance of eventual reconcilliation).
It's kind of another 'countdown', but am going to resist feeling the clock tick... Good luck to me! Trying to live the 'life is good, I've got a beautiful baby, roof over my head, a good family' routine.
That aside, I continue to be interested in putting together the pieces of my marriage breakdown; as in, how it happened and why etc.
My IC told me today she thinks WH is narcassistic. That's why he could tell me "I am so disappointed in you", and "You're so stuck". She thinks my WH thinks life is an "idea", when it fact it is a "reality", where baby's bottoms need to be wiped and there needs to be bread in the house so that you can have toast in the morning.
I would love to have had the chance to have joint therapy with WH. It would have been fascinating (to me). IC is a bit one-sided, isn't it? I am torn tonight about respecting WH's feelings (about wanting another life with another person in another country) and what I see as his responsibilties (putting his 'feelings" aside and being a responsible adult). Maybe sending money for his child and seeing her once a year is 'responsible' enough? Maybe that is his version of doing the Right thing?
I am torn tonight about respecting WH's feelings (about wanting another life with another person in another country) and what I see as his responsibilties (putting his 'feelings" aside and being a responsible adult). Maybe sending money for his child and seeing her once a year is 'responsible' enough?
Respecting, torn .... Hmmm, Piano, I have been reading on and off, just wanted to say something here: you dont have to respect his decision or agree with it, you can only accept it. That's it. You dont have a choice unless you want to keep yourself in an unhealthy situation, mentally. It is a hard pill to swallow but you have to, we all have/had to at some point.
Also, his harsh words:God those are SCRIPT. I still cant get over my H's words "you are the worst thing that happened to me, etc etc..." while he was CRAZY in love with OW. 2 years later "those were just crap, BS, never believed those etc etc"... So, dont let HIS words define how you feel about yourself. MAJOR pithole. I fell into it deep, took me a year to start getting what had happened.
Stay strong, break unhealthy thinking routines. Keep walking, K
Hi K, thanks for weighing in. Getting stronger, but see what you mean about unhealthy thinking routines. Any advice on how to break out of them? I see what you mean about just accepting. Accepting is not agreeing is it? I think I get stuck because I often think they are one and the same.
dont let HIS words define how you feel about yourself. MAJOR pithole.
I was talking about exactly this point with the counselor today. People who say about your sitch "These things just happen" or one friend who I thought was smarter "You have to listen to what he's saying" and my own father "We know why he left, so stop wondering about it: hell fell in love with somebody else".
When your whole world has been turned upside down and you are left wihtout an "explanation" it's hard to not 'buy' in to what the WAS says and projects to the world about why they left, even if you reckon you know what REALLY happened.
When your whole world has been turned upside down and you are left wihtout an "explanation" it's hard to not 'buy' in to what the WAS says and projects to the world about why they left, even if you reckon you know what REALLY happened.
I totally and completely relate. Doesn't it feel like you didn't get closure? Like a satisfactory explanation or reason for his behavior? That is why it took me soooo long to see that stbxh is emotionally immature and that is why he did what he did. Once I saw the truth, I was able to have "closure."
Acceptance=peace for yourself! Seriously! It doesn't mean forgiveness necessarily. It is coming to term with the reality and dealing with it and moving on. IMO!
Who will be helping you take care of bub?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Trying to understand our WAS is so natural, yet so difficult. They don't really know why they're acting the way they do, they only know what they feel. FEEL. They try and rationalize, just as the LBS does, about the past, about the present, about everything, And in the end, it's just wasted neurons.
You're much better off trying to understand yourself, understand your needs, desires, and boundaries. See how they fit into your actions, and when your actions differ from them, try to figure out why.
Then accept yourself.
Once you do, once you love yourself, you'll be able to really love and accept love.
I just have to say that you are soooo strong. Your WH has flipped off the deep end and yes, you've lost your cool with him at times, but you are really moving forward now. You're a great example for your daughter- how to push on when the going gets rough.
I really hope that WH sees the light and begs to come back to you. But if he doesn't, you and bub are going to be great.
ACCEPTANCE. Can't wait to master that NM, but I think I am getting there...slowly and with resistence.
Day two of packing up apartment. Apart from being really tired, did not fall apart :-) Bub's smiles helped. Making my room at my parents house more 'mine'.
Thanks G, I think we are all incredibly strong. You have all been an inspiration from me, and I would love to have a 10th of your ability to lovingly detach! As for losing my cool, I did it quite a lot, more than a good DBer ever would..but I felt my circumstanes were exceptionally stressful for me. I went from Being Married/Living Overseas/Pregnant, to Being Separated/Pregnant/Living in my Parents house in Another Country much less sexy than the first! Not a heck of a lot of CONTINUITY there!
WH visited bubs today. I was civil, even friendly (bought him take-away coffee which I brought back to him) but boundary-setting (said i would prefer to discuss any separation stuff on email - safer for me!) and I left first!
WH looked sad and lonely. I guess he misses OW, not me.
On narcassism, my step-mum tells me her two girlfriend's WAH's were also labelled narcassists by their IC's! Not very original, then.
