Setting them free

[Dazed&Confused]

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I wish I had been able to apply such a philosophy sooner in my situation, but the reason I didn't, and couldn't, is one that is ignored by this philosophy. My kids. My young kids who were being put through h*ll by their mother's reckless actions. I couldn't just say "Fine. You want him, you can have him", because I would effectively be saying "Fine. I freely give up half my kids' lives, and have no problem with you bringing a predator step-father into their lives." I was also grieving horribly for the loss of the family the kids were enduring. When kids are involved, especially young kids, it's not a simple act of letting the wayward spouse go, because they take some of the kids' lives with them. No court in my state would have ever awarded me with full custody.

Now that I've made it through my sitch, and am in a pretty good place, I've thought a lot about this. If we didn't have kids, how would I have acted differently? I am convinced that had we not had kids, I would have been able to let go and move on, much easier, and much sooner. I would have been able to employ complete no contact almost immediately and started healing. I would have been able to freely think about a new life, totally unencumbered by my past failed M. Thoughts of all the women out there who would "treat me right" wouldn't have been burdened with the added "need to be a great step-mom" too.

When kids are involved, "setting them free", is much more complicated, IMO.
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This is the exact problem I am facing. I may not be 100% committed to letting my wife go, but I am trying. With two young kids though, even if she not having an affiar at the moment, it will only be a matter of time before she finds someone again. The thought of another man spending as much time with my kids as I will be allowed kills me.

So when I am in dettach mode, it rips my heart out because it feels like I am gambling my futute with my children. How is a man supposed to do that and begin to feel better about himself. I am very early in my problems, they have just been brought to my attention, but this last week has been terrible, and I do not know how I will be able to to do this for any length of time....