BTW, you aren't responsible for managing STBX's thinking. Trying to do so is still trying to work through problems in an R that no longer exists. Your job is merely to get to a reasonable D settlement through your Ls. STBX's thought processes are none of your business, so MYOB and stick to business.
Wow, IR, alot happened here while I was reading a book. I have to agree with OT and NB. While your reply might give you some short term satisfaction, it's just giving her the payoff she wanted in the first place. Don't give her the pleasure. She wanted you to respond like that. Don't do it. Either no response at all or just business, no emotions.
And btw, you should be keeping a record of every penny you're giving her and why. It should go in the record so she can't come back and say you didn't do something you should have.
oh, and keep an eye on girl #4. she's really aggressive. i know that women (especially younger ones) ask guys out now but to be asking for a second date before you've gone on the first? something's not quite right about that for me.
"I agree, let us both reserve our requests for support for various expenses for the Ls to handle in our final financial settlement. This will keep things much tidier financially and emotionally.X date (one day) is fine for packing and moving."
You're only "an emotional punching bag for her," if you choose to become emotional.
Put away your RPGs, buddy. She's got the launcher; she's pushing all the buttons.
And dating (4?) in the midst of this turmoil? I'd suggest you spend some time alone healing first.
At the very least, read through the Be Careful You Don't Rebound Thread.
Peace,
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
This is a really difficult time, Romeo. I remember going through the settlement process with wife and I was still living with her at the time. It's truly an emotional rollercoaster where the dips sure feel plentiful! Just stick to business, be polite and businesslike. Don't let the hurts of the past (and there are plenty of them) interfere with getting a fair and good settlement. Reactive emails etc just further an already tense and emotional time for you both. So, as OT already said "business, business, business". This may not be what we chose but it's what we got, right? Btw, I'd email her about the twins though...ah, WTH make it triplets!
I know that this is the hardest thing to do: don't let emotions play into your responses. I think of the ex as the mailman. You aren't overly friendly but not rude either. Let all financial stuff go through the L's. Document/keep emails and payments that have been made and for what.
The easy route is to keep living in the pain and pondering the what ifs and whys. The hard part is brushing yourself off, getting out of the muck and building yourself a better life.
My own personal ideas about dating at this point: You are still trying to heal. There is no point in getting involved with someone else unless you, yourself, are healthy. No one deserves to be a band aide. Women love to nurture, they think they can keep all of those issues and feelings seperate, but can't. We aren't built that way. Keep going out with groups and stay busy. You will be fine.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
If you must say something, though I urge you to resist...
"I agree, let us both reserve our requests for support for various expenses for the Ls to handle in our final financial settlement. This will keep things much tidier financially and emotionally."
This is perfect. Respond in an "all business" tone. Don't let her know she's getting your goat(s)!
Hey, Romeo...are you hearing the voice of wisdom from the group, yet? All of these people (who have been through it) are telling you the same thing.
You have every right to ream this woman out over what she has done and continues to do - it is terrible. But what would it get you? Is she going to snap to her senses, realize what a b!tch she has been and apologize? Will it even go towards making the situation go more smoothly and fairly?
You don't need to sink to her level.
Rise above....someone here stresses Strength and Honor - good advice, there.
And please, back WAY off of G4...even your email to her which went into ways you spend your free time read "Hey, are these your interests, too? Want to come along?" If you don't take the time out to heal yourself, find your inner-Romeo and get comfortable on your own, you'll only be bringing all the old crap into any new R you may have. There is time.
Thanks guys. wow...yesterday was crazy- it started out busy but fun talking about the girls and stuff and then it ended in a way that totally deflated me.
I hear what you guys are saying and today I see things a bit more clearly but I still feel this angst inside that she's milking me and the system to her max benefit and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I'm a high earner so I'm screwed, maybe I shouldn't be just to teach her a lesson and to turn the table.
I guess what really upset me is the fact that she told me a few months ago that when she's eligible for her benefits she'll switch and I can take her name off. Now in her usual sneaky and lying ways she didn't do that (not even mention it to me) even after she qualified for it. Like usual she made that decision single handidly even though it affects me. Why???! Because she's a pathetic loser who wants to feed off of a dead marriage. I'm sorry if I'm hitting the nerve here for anyone in the opposite situation but right now that's how I see her. A parasite that wants to feed off of its dead host. She doesn't want me for me but she wants my money.
I feel I'm being taken advantage of- first the emotional hell I went through over this sorry excuse for a woman and now she's trying to financially abuse me too. My standard of living has changed drastically. I end up handing over 30% to uncle sam and 35% to her and left with maybe 35% for me. There's something wrong with this pic. Maybe I should be like her, get a minimum wage job and let the system support me. I guess she knows how to work the system and I've been gulible and naiive and kept 'doing the right thing'.
Whew! I just had to get that off my chest. Now if she had asked me nicely I wouldn't have a problem but it's also the way she asserts her demands that I do want to say the two words that wii suggested.
As for dating, guys I'm not dating anyone. I'm just not turning down offers to get out of the house and do some fun stuff which doesn't including sleeping with someone or even kissing etc. Only frendship- I'm not even attracted to any of these G1-4 girls. Girls I'm usually attracted to are not interested in me- LOL
Last edited by ImprovedRomeo; 07/29/1004:29 PM.
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
