In terms of “getting it”, “I know now it”, “I no longer feel the need to stand” and the most popular one “I now stand for me”. My questions to myself as well as all of you is this….
Have we truly grieved enough?
Have we really spent enough time in ourselves to come to this conclusion?
Are these feeling of being “free” just because we are feeling a little better?
Have we truly reflected on our roles in all of this and I mean truly? Let me say it the way I would normally say it..."have you really looked at your own sh*t"? How often do we say we were controlling, we made mistakes. In some case, mistakes were made FOR YEARS. Have we truly identified and changed these mistakes in a few months?
Have we truly grown enough? Have we really made the changes that we needed to make in ourselves so that we are health happy human beings that can move forward/on in life without the baggage of failed R’s around our neck?
Are we really and I mean really done?
I more than understand this question. This concern of yours. I feel it, too.
I think for me, and only because you asked, for ME the term "standing for me" is exactly that--I've taken the focus off of the M. Off of H. Off of the whos and whys and hows and just focused them all on...me.
I know I've said it before--I *stood* fighting for my M for several years before I found this place. My version of *standing* if you will--probably entirely wrong by DB standards... but hey. I fought tooth and nail to make things work--to the point that I was not only fighting by myself...I was fighting H. We weren't fighting for each other--we were at each other's throats.
And it had become so normal for us that I didn't see it until I had been away for a little while. I was at the receiving end of one of those typical fights, only I wasn't fighting back. I was shocked at just how bad things had gotten. Shocked... more like devastated and distraught. That was the day I realized, like you, that I'd been hanging on way too long. That was when i realized that my M was dead & that was not a bad thing--it needed to be dead before it destroyed anyone completely. That was the day I knew I was standing down for my M.
And standing up for myself.
Not because I had something to prove. Not because I suddenly healed overnight and was moving forward with a perfectly mended little heart.
Nope. I was standing for myself because I'd simply found my backbone. At last.
I didn't realize how much hard work there was going to be. I didn't realize just how difficult taking some of these steps would be. I'm beginning to realize that the worst is yet to come. Probably. But that would be an expectation of sorts, now wouldn't it? lol I am bracing myself for the worst to come, I am trying to build my foundation for a better future, and the storms that are sure to test my strength.
What I am learning through all of this is not only who I am, but what I want. What I'm willing to put up with and when to finally circle the wagons and say "enough".
My biggest thing to deal with is still trying not to shut down, or to shut people out. I'm finding there is a balancing act between shutting down & being so open that you get walked on.
Give me time, I'll figure it out.
These are just lessons learned, things that will serve me well when this time, and the people in it, have become a distant memory.
I will still be applying the DB techniques when I'm a little old lady trying to keep her room mate in the nursing home from making me crazy. er. lol
So thank you for putting it out there. Thank you for your insight. Thank you for letting me learn from you.
I hope only the best for you, my friend.
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
I have not posted on my own thread in a while and wanted to give everyone a quick update.
Things with the W are still the same - we barely see each other although I am still in the home. Being in the same house is beginning to wear on me. I often wonder what is really in the best interest of the children. From a legally perspective I have been advised to stay in the home; however, it can be tough. It is very difficult to watch the person that once care about you and you about them - show no emotion toward you.
It has become so clear to me just HOW important it is to detach. I cannot say it enough to the newbies just how important it is to detach.
W and I have basically no communication. NONE. She is as distant as ever. I have no idea of what is going on in her life and nor do I really care at this point.
I soooo wished that things could end nicely between us; however, I understand that our views and thoughts on what is fair are very different. The last convo we had (a while ago) centered on the kids and her views remain the same that she does not agree to a 50/50 split.
I spoke to my two boys (16 and 14) and what they want is different. My oldest, who is very close to his mother would like to be with me every friday, sat and sun. My 14 year old want to split his time 50/50. My D does not know that my W has filed so I did not ask her. I decided to ask the boys because wanted to know what THEY wanted for there life. I found out that my W had spoken to the oldest but not the 14 yo, which I understood since the 14 yo is closer to me.
The thought of only being an every other weekend dad still hurts like hell! I understand that nothing is finalized yet but I am worried. The can still feel the anger and I do my best to release it but man it is tough!
I find myself asking "why use the kids as pawns...why". I know that I need to let this go but it is hard...very hard.
It is so clear just how gone she is. The funny thing is that I feel for her. I feel for my kids.
Although I am going thru this cycle - I know that I will be okay. I know that I will survive. This just sucks!
Okay....i'm ready for the 2x4's...let'em rip. And for you vet...I know better...I know...sorry guys...I'm just pissed and frustrated.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Why does the fact that a WS filed mean it has to go through? There are a million and one ways to stall a D, different by state, of course. I wrote earlier on my thread that in Arkansas, go figure, you can have a divorce dismissed on the grounds of adultery. If the spouse is willing to put up with it, then the other spouse should shut up about it.
Just don't throw in the towel over a piece of paper being filed. If it is not what you are ready for, then fight for your rights as a human being.
You have a heart the size of Texas and you feel everything.
You know what you need to do ...
Originally Posted By: ericmsant2
It has become so clear to me just HOW important it is to detach. I cannot say it enough to the newbies just how important it is to detach.
And since, at last check, you didn't yet have a crystal ball ...
Originally Posted By: ericmsant2
I soooo wished that things could end nicely between us
... you may as well stop putting the negativity out into the universe ... unless you're fond of negative self fulfilling prophecies of course?
Originally Posted By: ericmsant2
I know that I will be okay. I know that I will survive.
We know it too E, we know it too. I dunno what they put in the water in NYC (ewww don't answer that), but between you and Brooklyn, it certainly produced at least two of the strongest, most loving people I've had the pleasure to get to know.
Originally Posted By: ericmsant2
This just sucks!
YEP.
Originally Posted By: ericmsant2
I'm just pissed and frustrated.
Because you are human. A very emotional human. And you did the right thing, you brought it here. Get it out Eric, just like Grit said .... it doesn't serve you now.
Go hug your kids. Wanna really get on their nerves? Kiss'em too
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Okay....i'm ready for the 2x4's...let'em rip. And for you vet...I know better...I know...sorry guys...I'm just pissed and frustrated.
And that is why we are here my friend....so when you get pissed and frustrated.......you come to your friends.
Come in and sit down Eric, every once in a while you need to take sip of what you feeding to everyone else, and I am not talking about figuring out things or looking inside yourself.
Just some good ole venting, that is what we are here for.
When we are weak you are strong for us and when you are weak we are strong for you.
BTW...I know you love her......but don't move out of the house.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Prepare yourself for splitting the kids. It's hard. Imagine a house full of kids and noise and the sounds of busyness - life.
Contrast to days alone with yourself. Counting down the days until you get to see them. Maybe with 3, you can space them differently. Get as much time as you can if it comes to D. You won't regret that and neither will the kids.
The good parts are you have time to do things now and time to think.
It still hurts to return my daughters after a year and a half of this BS.
Your life story is quite amazing. You sure were dealt a bad hand early on, and it contributed to some of your poor choices. But like you say, because of the sh!t you went through, you are determined to not allow your kids to endure but a fraction of it.
How are things on the legal front?
I am lucky in that I got my W to move out early on. Living together as an estranged couple has to be very difficult. Can you see a light at the end of the tunnel as to when you both can reside at different places?
Is your L working with her L to come up with a parenting plan?
From reading FaithIsBelieving's saga, it just seems very difficult to reach an agreement regarding the kids when there is the whole issue of living arrangements and financials pending.
I really hope you get a fair deal in the D. It can be costly, but I can honestly say that after it is all done, things will settle down and you may even enjoy life much more as a single father. I surely do as my W was a selfish brat. Freedom!
Coparenting post divorce is not always a bad thing if both parents can put the past behind and move forward with the kids best interest in mind.
Living together as an estranged couple has to be very difficult. Can you see a light at the end of the tunnel as to when you both can reside at different places?
Sure can be. H and I are actually getting along pretty well through this - no venom and hate - but it's still stressing me out to share the house. I can't wait to make it my own and have a sense of peace in MY home. My H is going to have a place by Sept 1st so the kids will have some sense of being settled before school starts in the fall.
Your positivity is contagious ... you sound like you're doing great. Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
