MLC likely...BPD possible...divorce pending

[ericmsant2]

Lola

I am reading 'The Language of Love & Respect'.

I have not read this book; however I did read the 5 love languages and highly recommend it.

for a W to respect their H and for the H to love their wife...unconditionally.

I think people should respect each other as a rule of thumb. I also believe that when we marry we should love unconditionally. Having said this, many people (I am clearly in this category) do not understand this until AFTER they have issues in their M’s.

it advocates some type of game playing via 180's. Not returning phone calls right away...GAL'ing instead of pining...

180’a, GALing, and detaching are not tactics or games. They are actions that we the LBS take to protect ourselves.

When we first get here, most of us do the 180’s as a “trick” (albeit consciously or subconsciously) to get our spouses back. It is only when we REALLY detach and look out our role in the breakup that we come to realize that the 180’s should really be about the changes that WE REALLY WANT to make. For example, if you were too confrontational in your M…you probably started the 180 by becoming completely non confrontational as a means to get your spouse back. When you realize that this does not work (MLCer can see right through the bull) and really start to detach, you realize that the deeper question or issues that you need to tackle is the root cause of why you were confrontational to begin with. Once you figure that out and decide that YOU want to change it for YOU…well then the 180’s are no longer a tactic but rather a change in your persons that YOU wanted to make. These changes are the ones that stick…they become part of WHO you are. They are no longer tactics.

Or I guess I could have used my bro Grit’s short response to the 180 question, which was..

changes that are not real will not have longevity and neither will the M.

Is not responding to your H disrespectful

No it is not. Some times you need to do this to 1) protect your emotional well being and 2) minimize any interaction while your or your H are emotionally charged.

he hasn't satisfied my emotional needs...just like my H. Hmmmmmmm..........

Hmmmmmm indeed…may be something worth digging a little deeper into…Just saying..

I have read so many books now on marriage and they mostly help me be a better me right now. If and when you get to piecing

Or in your next R, which could be with your H or could be with someone else. Either way learning to become a better partner and become a emotionally healthy individual is a win win for you. FTR, I am not advocating “someone else” 

where is my 'Abandonment to Healing' book

YOUR gonna LOVE IT…I also recommend “codependent no more”, which talks a lot about detachment.

I am reading about a R that doesn't exist

Not YET…

I don't think I want my M

Is it think or “feel”…if it is a feeling then feelings change…

but I still cannot seem to completely let go

Letting go is hard Lola…it really is. Don’t try to “push” or “force it”..it will happen when it is suppose to happen. Just like detachment it is a process. Some days you feel you’ve detached and then you realize that your emotions are sucking you right back in. A lot of time people confuse detachment with “falling out of love’ – this is far from the truth. The reality is that you will probably always love your H in some way. So please cut yourself a little slack.

I am kind of in a no mans land. I am embarressed to admit.

No mans land…I think you meant the world of MLC….seriously no need to be embarrassed. We have all felt this way at some point.

I think I am looking for him to want me back more than I want to be back with him.

We all feel like this sometimes – your right we do not always say it but I am sure some of us feel it. It is that feeling of rejection. The need that all of us have of wanting to feel “wanted”. IMO, we as human being are not meant to be alone forever. The question really is…define alone. Can you be single yet not alone? I think yes. Can you be separated but not alone? Yes.

In the abandonment book they talk about these feeling in detail – it will be an eye opener for you. Trust me.

I also agree that as PEI mentioned…some of this may be validation that you need. You reference in an earlier post your r with you father…it appeared that he was not emotionally available. Are you EXPECTING your H or any other man for that matter to fill that gap? Think about this and tell me what YOU think.

Once you detach enough and do enough work on you (kill the need to have someone validate who you are, if you are pretty enough, that you are loveable, that you are likable, that you are just duckie…well then this happens…..

It doesn't matter any more.

Then I have those days where I feel like I know nothing...and what made sense yesterday no longer makes sense..because that is no longer the way I feel. I know logically you are right...but sometimes that just isn't the way I feel. Conflict of interest. How does one rectify this??? it is truly a nagging feeling.

Time sweetie…time…you will get there. You will get to that place of piece but it really does take time. I know..I know…you want it NOW BUT…if you had it now, would you appreciate it? IMO, you appreciate the peace when you realize what you had to go thru to get it.

You will find it Lola…in time.

Please give yourself a little break…stop trying to rush it. It will come…it will…

God Bless,
Eric