H did see an attorney - although I didn't know it at the time. Luckily, the attorney told him a legal separation was almost the same as a divorce, and if there was any hope of saving his marriage, he should! (I need to send that guy a box of candy for Christmas!). H had put down a deposit on an apartment and was planning on moving out - didn't actually cancel the deal until a few days before he was supposed to move in.
In a funny way, I think the thing that helped me detach was when I found out he bought the same gift (monogrammed necklaces) for me AND the OW. Somehow, that just made it so clear to me that my H must be REALLY confused, because nobody who thought about it for a second would do such a thing (he'd be reminded of me when he looked at the OW? Reminded of OW when he looked at me?)
Also - I had spent so many years feeling this undercurrent of H being dissatisfied and critical. MC even tried to tell me I was neurotic - so in a funny way I felt vindicated when H had the affair. I wasn't nuts, I wasn't imagining things, my H really WASN'T totally committed to the marriage, and in fact, had psychologically had the "door open" a crack for years, just in case something better camre along (something he now understands as being related to his fear of abandonment). So while many people might immediately react with wondering what was wrong with them that their spouse left, I'd already spent plenty of time and effort trying to be "better" for my H - at that point, I understood HE had a problem, not me! (Not that I didn't keep working on myself - I did).
My H became severely depressed after the affair was discovered and almost had a breakdown - went to the psychiatrist's office and DEMANDED to be seen!!! So, it was easier for me to feel compassion for him, and understand how sick he was, and realize that I loved him for him, despite the pain he was causing me.
Still, without the help of the boards, I could never have gotten past the hurtful things he said and did. It helped so much to see other people getting through things much worse than my sitch, and being reminded of DB principals daily.
