So what do you suggest I say or do you think I should just be an emotional punching bag for her like I've been the last 5 years?
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
Her: The thing on DD's finger is a wart and I bought the medicine at the pharmacy for her (I'll keep a running record of what I've paid toward her doctor appointments and medicines if you like.)
I did tell them not to shut the water off. Obviously there was some mistake. Anyway, I asked you to change the accounts back in April.
What an easy, reasonable gal, huh? She could be a clone of my H- so "easy" and "polite". Jesus she is a brat, isn't she? Somehow I missed what your email to her was- got lost in all the movie/dating talk, etc. But hers is a piece of work.
Originally Posted By: ImprovedRomeo
Fine, you can skip the school party if you like as that's up to you. I'm having her party at xyz and I'm assuming you're talking about xyz Farm at the xyz?
Listen, I've already missed my open enrollment so if you take me off then I cannot get on as I don't have a qualifying event. Also, if you want to play around with who is supposed to pay what or who owes more we can go on about that forever. We've both carried one another during certain times so I don't see the need to be picky over it now (seeing as how I kept you on my health care plan from the time we were married until you actually got benefits by working for xyz.) That would be probably 5 years or so. Anyway, since none of this is discoverable in court, maybe you should talk to your counsel about it instead of me.
OMG, H could've totally written that. As you know I have to be careful, but I made a comment to him about something similar I did for him and his reply was "anyone would do that." Well, no, some people leave their spouses when times get tough, ahem, and I chose not to. It's convenient to bring up when it backs up whatever their argument of the day is, though! And I love how they imply that we're petty or "keeping score", etc. but also do that when it suits them- here is the passive-aggressive you and I have discussed. Amazing. It's like trying to reason with a sack of cement. Except that would be easier.
Originally Posted By: ImprovedRomeo
It's funny how she talks about being picky and then she asks me for $50 phone bills when I'm paying her thousands in temp support. And she's equating things when we were married with now that we're getting divorced! I need a Gucci Loafer response for her!
Yeah. "funny". Ok, I'm not GL or Robx. Not sure what they'd say (they may not know about your increasing detachment so may not have visited in awhile ;-)
One option is for you to stop the emailing about anything financial/legal whatsoever. Do not enter into any discussion about who did what when, etc. unless it concerns DD's welfare or some bill that has your name on it that you will be in trouble if you don't pay. She wants you to reimburse her for something? Fine, send it through her L. Etc. You will send an itemized list to her through her L when it's all said and done. Just do not respond. That is what I've done, and boy does it make them mad, but it's also dropping the rope. They have nothing to "play" with (i.e., our emotions and advantage of our love for them) if there's no response. And you know it goes nowhere anyway, right? Remember that list Alice gave you way back about the components that should go into your emails and those that should be removed? Wanna check it out again? I can't put it as eloquently as she .
Another option is to respond but do not respond to any baiting, emotion, he said/she said, etc. Just "yes, it's a good idea for both of us to account for all expenses. I will do what I'm legally required to re: the insurance." period. that's it. Robot. But adult.
Your extremely reactive reply shows that you remain her emotional punching bag, even when she's not punching. You aren't detached, she mostly is. You really are the one flailing about right now. Understandable as it is, she is not responsible for it, nor for helping you work through things. Vent and flail with an IC, not with someone who wants no personal R with you. Quit trying to work out the problems in your M during D proceedings. There is no R to work out anymore. D is business. NB offers you excellent advice.
Um, I really thought your email was mostly in jest, though very reactive.
Well, I'm right about the reactive part, but it seems that you weren't kidding.
Trust me, it is over the top, way out of control, reactive, engaged, hostile, non-businesslike, etc... WAAAAYYY over the top.
STBX's emails read pretty much fine. Sorry, but that's the way it is from an objective point of view.
OT- I think he's only half joking. He's been encouraged by people to post it all here so he doesn't end up sending it all to her .
So, this is the wretched thing about passive-aggressive S's- I have one too. They're very good at sounding "fine", reasonable, NICE, even. And any way you respond, you sound reactive, defensive, etc. You don't have as much background as I do on this sitch, but trust me, she's manipulative and conniving (sorry IR, but she is more and more lately). And "reasonable". I don't know if you've ever known anyone like that. Very hard to deal with rationally. Anyway, my best advice is to not respond at all, or respond and like I said in my post above, only respond to business with business. Yes, we know she's getting in digs all over the place, but choose not to bite on any of them.
Your extremely reactive reply shows that you remain her emotional punching bag, even when she's not punching. You aren't detached, she mostly is. You really are the one flailing about right now. Understandable as it is, she is not responsible for it, nor for helping you work through things. Vent and flail with an IC, not with someone who wants no personal R with you. Quit trying to work out the problems in your M during D proceedings. There is no R to work out anymore. D is business. NB offers you excellent advice.
OT, my reactiveness is to put an end to her la-la land thinking. Yes it is over the top- if I get invited to a knife fight you can bet your behind I'm bringing the RPGs. They maybe over the top but they make sure the job gets done!
I'm not working out any R, not sure where you got that? I don't want her anymore. I miss her but don't want the person she's become and I know she won't change. So it's adios amiga from me. But I don't want her to even think that she can walk all over me and I'm done walking on eggshells.
I'm also not venting or flailing, I'm responding to her rock throwing with a rocket launcher.
NB, thanks for the comments...you do get it! and I was half joking about the reply initially but now I am thinking of sending it. Why should I walk on egg shells?
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
Ok, I HAVE to go to bed. But-- not suggesting egg shells.
Instead, suggesting this attitude (and whatever you'd write that reflects it without being detailed or including any of this wording): I'm an adult, I'm so much more mature than you and don't have the time or the interest to play your silly semantics and blame games. I'm done with you and your infantile attitude, without getting emotional about it. I've just moved on. I'm in this for DD and will maintain a laser focus on her and only her and her best interests. No matter how low you stoop and how nickel and dime you get, all I care about is DD and won't waste anymore time on you. I will do what the law requires me (and what I can live with b/c I'm a stand up guy- but not a doormat anymore). Yes of course I have RPGs and all sorts of neat weapons, but I'm cool and confident- Bond- I don't need to show them to you, you're not even worth it- why would I waste my expensive firepower on you, you mean nothing to me anymore. Just an annoying fleck of dust on my shoe.
Version 1.2: Yes by all means continue keeping a running record of every cent you've spent towards me and now towards DD too.
As for the water, ah yes, how could I forget- it's either their fault or mine.
Sure I'll let you know about the movers when I have time.
Well that's too bad about the insurance because you told me you were going to switch as soon as you became eligeable for it. Fine- I'll give you another free ride
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
Setting boundaries is a totally different thing from reactiveness. You are still very enmeshed, very reactive, hostile, playing emotional games, etc...
This is merely business.
"STBXW, I'll check with my L on the insurance thing. If required to do so legally, I'll keep you on until the next qualifying event. As you suggest, we can sort out the fine points of the financial settlement with the Ls. Wednesday works for taking care of the photo stuff, next Saturday works for packing, and anytime the following weekend is fine for the movers. Please complete your packing/moving within this timeframe. Best, Romeo."
If you must say something, though I urge you to resist...
"I agree, let us both reserve our requests for support for various expenses for the Ls to handle in our final financial settlement. This will keep things much tidier financially and emotionally."
.