Thank you to everyone who has offered feedback and support throughout this journey. This truly is a community of remarkable people. I feel very blessed to be able to participate with everyone here.
My first thread was in Newcomers (www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads...255#Post1847255). Here is a synopsis. H/XH dropped the bomb one day before our 2 year anniversary (9/08, we were together 5 years before the bomb). Said he realized that the only time he was truly happy was when he lived alone on XXXX street. Didn’t really say why he was so unhappy at that point but we had been having conversations about my demanding work schedule and some weight I had gained because of my work schedule in the months leading up to the bomb (I was unhappy with my work schedule too but would have lost my job if I’d cut back). The implication was that these were the reasons he left, although it took him another 6 months to tell me the reason he’d left: said he felt abandoned by me in the M. His alcoholic mother had been in and out of the hospital 3 times just before the bomb drop and it was becoming clear that she would soon lose her independence. I really think that my work schedule triggered the memory of the abandonment he felt in childhood by his alcoholic mother and workaholic father. This coupled with his mother’s declining health (she was diagnosed with Alzheimers Disease a few months later) sent him into a tailspin. H/XH would not go to M counseling, even though we had made an appointment before the bomb. H/XH told me “I don’t know why I don’t want to go and I don’t know if I will ever know why ”.
H/XH seemed very manic for the first 5 months or so. 3 weeks after the bomb he told me he was contacting an attorney. We had a pre-nup so I think H/XH thought a D would be very easy. Our communications for the first 7 months were pretty much limited to negotiating the terms of the D. I didn’t resist but made him do the heavy lifting. I made him serve me and he knew that I didn’t want the D.
I started working with Jody (DB coach) within 6-7 weeks after the bomb. She was my “candle in the darkness”. 4 months after the bomb I was offered a new full-time job out of the blue that allowed me to work 35 hr/wk (instead of 60 hr/wk) and make more money than before. This was truly a miracle. Divine intervention. Seriously! Jobs like this in my field come along once every 10-20 years. 5 months post-bomb I told H/XH that I was considering the new job. 1 month later I accepted the new job…..but H/XH still marched toward D. I left a career I had spent 20 years building to try and save my M but the new job didn’t make any difference to H/XH.
I DB’ed my a$$ off for 15 months until the D was final (12/09). H/XH lived with his mother for the first 8 months after he left. His mother is/was a hoarder (like on the TV show, for real) so he hated living there and seemed to blame me for it, even though he had the financial means to live somewhere else and I had also offered for him to live in our home. In April 2009 I bought our home and 1 month later XH bought a home of his own.
I have come to know from a reliable source that there was no OW when H/XH dropped the bomb. H/XH didn’t really date anyone until ~10 months after he left. XH had dated a lot before and after his first M and considers dating drudgery. When we met, he told me that he had dated 100 women (after his 1st D) before he met me and that’s why he was so excited when we met. (A close friend validated that assessment). I had been unmarried most of my adult life, although in a series of long-term relationships. I have no illusions about the single life. Been there. Got the T-shirt. Done that more than I care to remember. I too knew from experience how very special our relationship was. That is why I am still standing after 22 months. XH is a very good man and has a lot of integrity. I know that what XH and I had IS/WAS VERY special. I know.
D was final in 12/09. XH became friendlier, but I pulled back to let him know that our relationship had now changed. I went pretty dim for about 4 months. When he initiated I responded in a brief, but friendly manner, typically waiting a few days before responding. At Christmas (3 weeks after D) XH offered to house sit for me while I was out of town and said he would bring my cat to visit his mother. I replied. “No worries. I’ve got everything taken care of.” He clearly missed our home and our life. I wanted to let him feel that loss. 6 weeks after D, XH invited me to a movie (he had declined many of my invitations before the D). I accepted, but when he decided to reschedule at the last minute, I told him “I can’t roll with rescheduling on short notice right now.” Told him I wanted to wait awhile before planning friendly outings. As it turns out, I think setting that boundary was important in setting the tone for our new relationship. I think that we might have begun to reconnect after the D if his mother’s health hadn’t taken a turn for the worst. She almost died in February 2010 and he had to deal with her health care and estate issues.
Throughout this time I visited his mother in her apartment, Alzheimers care unit every 2-3 weeks. He appreciates that. XH’s sister also began contacting me regularly last October and we have been in continuous contact since then.
I had relatively minimal contact with H/XH from October 2009 through March 2010. From the bomb (9/08) to 3/10 H/XH consistently had a vacant look in his eyes. He acted depressed, even though he denied it a couple times, but beginning in April 2010 I suddenly noticed a look of receptivity in XH’s eyes. We had three 1-2 hour long interactions in April during which he remarked several times how happy and how good I looked. This was the beginning of the change in our interactions. We didn’t have much interaction in May (I typically waited for him to initiate and then responded in a very friendly manner), but beginning in June, XH began accepting invitations I made for recreation: ping pong, kayaking, biking, movies. This was a surprising turnaround, since I had not really changed my behavior throughout this entire time post-bomb. Then, about 1 month ago, XH began initiating too. He has never done this before post-bomb.
With these recent interactions (past 8 weeks or so) I have for the first time noticed fluctuations in XH’s behavior. He seems to transition between being a “teenage boy”, the H I used to know (this is the first time I’ve seen the old H since the bomb), and a more distant adult man. It is because of these transitions that I speculated in a previous post that XH may be entering the Acceptance stage of MLC (he was quite depressed and withdrawn during January through March of this year), but I don’t really know that for sure. All I know is that he is more receptive than at any time in the last 22 months.
With respect to OW, I know of only 1 notable relationship (2 months long) that XH had during the last 22 months (I have a very reliable source). This started 10 months post-bomb and lasted 2 months. XH was preparing to dump the OW but OW beat him to the punch. She dumped him in a 3 page e-mail in which she told him everything she thought was wrong with him. He tried to date other women after that but none of these relationships took off. Not sure why. XH has a history of being very picky, but also XH has been pretty obviously depressed.
The person whom I think may have been a de facto OW in my sitch is XH’s BMF. XH and BMF have been friends for 30 years. BMF is narcissistic and has no moral compass. Throughout our relationship BMF was always in the middle: my H/XH’s confidante. In the one R convo H/XH and I had 7 months post-bomb I told H/XH that I thought he had told BMF, instead of me, about how unhappy he was with my work schedule. Told H/XH I knew he was unhappy with my work demands but I didn’t know he was so unhappy that he was thinking about leaving. H/XH said “That probably happened”. Throughout this entire DB’ing process I have thought “what chance is there of reconciling if XH were to keep BMF in the middle of our relationship?” Having BMF in the middle of our relationship really prevented true intimacy between us………………well, last Friday, at the movies, XH told me that he and BMF had had a falling out and hadn’t been talking for several weeks. I don’t know any of the details, but this new info gives me renewed hope that things may work out. I am moving forward with my life, but keeping the door open a crack for XH. If anyone out there has experience with reconnecting during the second half of MLC, I would very much appreciate your input.
Sorry this post was so long. Thanks to everyone who made it this far.
