you're working hard, remaining busy, GAL'ing, taking care of your family and taking care of you and letting go of the need to defend yourself in arguments where there are no winners, defusing every fight coming your way, and all the while maintaining a great attitude of being awesome and happy, not wasting your time on crying, begging, pleading, chasing, gift buying, hoop jumping and any other wussy man crap technique that just plain does not work.
That's attractive to women.
You are handling it.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
She sent another email asking if I am ignoring her?
I wrote:
I have been at my Dr.'s appointment, I am not ignoring you just busy with phone calls and emails.
Why is she so persistant with this?
Im freaking out a bit.
No freaking out like a "sissy girly man", that's the technical term for not acting like a wussy man.
I hope I'm not getting too technical here ;-)
You can handle this. You can handle this and a lot more like this.
How do you know how much you can handle yet?
I'm pretty sure I told you this was just the beginning, what you had gone through so far was the "easy" part, I meant it. There will be some tough days and some easy days and days that make all of this look like a piece of cake.
Handling it and responding in a cool, calm, collected manner is your job.
The way you used to handle things got you into this mess.
That's why I keep mentioning that "you can handle it", because I have faith in you that you can handle it. But it doesn't mean anything if I believe in you if you don't believe in yourself.
Start giving yourself some credit, you can do this, it's not easy but it won't be the most difficult thing either.
Ok I am going to the gym, she wont stop emailing me, asking about Dr. appt> asking about my counselor, yada yada, I want to say dont you have work to do? I posted a pic of my kids sleeping last night on FB, from last night, W posted a comment "they tried to wait up for you..... it made me feel like sh!t!
I feel she is checking up on me, maybe showing interest in my progress, hopefully not trying to be vindictive with tactics.
You can tell her your in counseling now but I don't think it's required that you give her every detail of individual counseling.
"Wife, counseling is a very personal thing, I'm dealing with personal issues, faults, weaknesses and questions about my life that I've never dealt with before. This is all very new to me and I prefer to keep the details of my counseling to myself for the time being. I wasn't ignoring your emails, I had a very busy day today and I would prefer that if you have to ask me questions like this, don't do it over email, text, phone or voicemail, do it in person, face to face which is a more personal way of communicating with someone. I appreciate you understanding this."
No details, just gloss over the high points without giving her the high def picture of everything you're discussing in counseling. She is specific with things like AA, anger management, lying, those are all issues she has with you and although they're all important those are things she may need to see a counselor about and learn to let you take care of you.
Thanks coach, I simply replied that I am handling the issues we disucssed. She replied "if I am being to invasive, I apologize" I replied " no need to apologize I'm getting the kids and going to the gym"
That ended it.
I texted her and told her I was going to make soemthing quick for the kids.
She then got snappy and said there is a chicken defrosted you should have put it in the oven b4 the gym.
I did not engage or respond to that. She needs to realize if she is going to bark like that, I want be on the other end of it. So I left it alone.
Something I have learned is not to tell people that there is no need to apologize, let people apologize, it's there way of recognizing boundaries, if you say don't apologize, you're going to invite more of these types of inquiries.
Do you also see how you told her not to apologize and then right after that you were going to pick up the kids and go to the gym.
Another way of you avoiding confrontation and I'm sure it likely pissed her off something fierce.
As for her getting snappy, let her be snappy.
That defrosted chicken can be cooked tomorrow, no worries.
And you're learning, you don't have to engage or respond to everything, sometimes less is better especially with Mrs. Snappy ;-)
Quote:
...She needs to realize if she is going to bark like that, I want be on the other end of it. So I left it alone.
I'm a big believer in this, I'm all for calm discussions but when someone starts barking at me, I put up my hand and tell them STOP right in the middle of whatever they were talking about.
Don't reward someone's crappy behavior with your attention... ever. Tell them you will talk to them when they're ready to discuss things in a calm and civil manner but until then, nothing.
That way the argument is over, you decided it was over, you took the lead in the situation, you told them that won't discuss things when they're barking or acting poorly, get her used to this by doing this several times if she gets really angry and "barks" or "snaps" at you.
'I do appreciate how much time and effort you put into my sitch. I post from home, work and from my crackberry, so I am like CNN with my current events. Its like the ticker at the bottom of the TV.
I read over what has been posted by me and others, I do believe I am handling things the best way I can. I do realize I will not be able to rely ion you and other pro's to handle my responses every time.
In a round about way I do believe my response of I am handling what we discussed pretty much answered all of her questions in a nutshell. It could have been more detailed, but I didnt feel ike writing a novel from my phone.
W came home, ate some dinner and began going through her old family photos, she made sure she showed me all the old pics, I have been cordial and responsive, but not overly "gay" like a schoolgirl. I left her going through them and am doing my own thing now.'
I have been cordial and responsive, but not overly "gay" like a schoolgirl. I left her going through them and am doing my own thing now.'
I am getting the hang of being the calm one.
While being "cordial and responsive", make sure you're also fun to be around, and NOT BEING A ROBOT... I REPEAT.... NOT BEING A ROBOT...
LOL!
- poke fun of some of those photos if the opportunity presents itselfs, older photos are always fun to look at, hair, glasses, shoes, clothes, every photo is usually a story in itself, it's ok to share that time with her if she wants to share that time with you.
And yes, definitely don't be "overly gay", just be the amount of "gay" you're comfortable with and remember you're allowed to stop and say NO at any time!!!
LOL!
Just having some fun with you bro ;-)
And I agree, You are getting the hang of being the calm one, it takes a lot of practice to make it a habit if it wasn't a habit a long time ago.
How have the kids been through out this? Have you noticed any problems/issues? Has she?
Just asking, I'm a parent too and it does have an impact on the little ones.
I being the LBS am a little more concerned about the kids and how they react than she has. Of course she thinks "no big deal" I know our S is a little confused as far as us sleeping in separate rooms, and her calling the guest room Mommy's and our room Daddy's.
I am firm on the fact that I will fight for custody, told her that after our 3 am talk when i got home the other night. She knows I mean no BS on that subject. Our first sep, I spent 30k and won custody, she had to pay child support tee hee. She had the A then, and the way she handled the whole sitch, the judge was overly pissed at her and her attorney, didnt hurt that it was a district judge who has signed many Warrants for me for busts I have worked.
Our S was 2 and our D was 4 months old during the first sep, I stepped up and was super Dad during that time, I will do it again and she knows it.
We just put the kids to bed, and if S is awake and hears a door open he calls for me, so I dont know if she planted in his head I was moving out 2 weeks ago, but he is freaked out about me leaving.
BTW Rob, any thoughts on why she was so nosy about my Dr. appt and my counseling? I have been pretty dark, so I dont know if its a conversation breaker or what for her, but she was wearing me out, maybe she gets bored at work, or texting her family and friends as to what a terrible H I am, and needs to reach out/ Now I am fishing, and I dont like to fish. I hate to fish. I do like Sushi though, yum....
t was funny my Dr. wants me to try something for anxiety, told me a side effect was low sex drive, told him I am not worried about that right now, no need for it in the near future. He also thinks I increased drinking due to stress and the fact I took myself off my lexapro 4 months ago, which is about when I started to drink a little more.
I guess I am not overly "gay" because I dont want to look like I am acting, she would pick up on it, its not me. I am pretty lax anyway, I guess I am being the way I was when she first met me. She did mention that she felt I got involved with her to early in reference to the fact I was going through a D then. She pursued me like crazy back then, I was very evasive. I was not ready for an R, felt forced in a bit, but caved.
like many other WA'S she brings up every negative nook and cranny in our R and M, and nothing she remembers as ever being good. So I did ask why the F%ck did you come back to me after the first Sep. She didnt answer. I keep going back to our conversation from the other night, this has not been recently. I am all over the place now. Will check back in a bit.
We just put the kids to bed, and if S is awake and hears a door open he calls for me, so I dont know if she planted in his head I was moving out 2 weeks ago, but he is freaked out about me leaving.
Yup and screwing with children's security & stability is a super crappy thing to do. Always checking if you're home now. Sleeping in your bed, mentioning something about a nightmare but sometimes it's just to make sure you're still home and haven't left.
Originally Posted By: dsh4320
BTW Rob, any thoughts on why she was so nosy about my Dr. appt and my counseling? I have been pretty dark, so I dont know if its a conversation breaker or what for her, but she was wearing me out, maybe she gets bored at work, or texting her family and friends as to what a terrible H I am, and needs to reach out/ Now I am fishing, and I dont like to fish. I hate to fish. I do like Sushi though, yum....
Well I have a few thoughts and again, you won't know for sure until... you know for sure. So you're out there, getting a life, going out regularly/quasi-regularly with friends, work is busy, life is busy, and on top of that your behavior towards her has changed. You're defusing arguments, not defending yourself in fights, you've told her she can go, she has her freedom, you're currently acting as if the marriage is over and you're moving on.
First she's wondering what's up with your behavior. Is it a trick to get her to come back. Why are you so peaceful and civil towards her now. Why do you agree with pretty much every issue she has about you now? Why don't you defend yourself in fights anymore? Why are the fights lasting only for short periods of time? Why doesn't he respond to every text & email I send him with lightning speed? Why is he so happy, confident, sure of himself?
So you're either showing her a side of yourself that she hasn't seen in a very long time, the guy she originally fell in love with and wanted to be with, etc.
Or....
You're exhibiting a lot of the same tell tale signs she was exhibiting when she was having an affair. Hear me out on this:
- You're confident, happy - Looking good, feeling good - you're not depressed, angry, sad, begging, pleading - you've told her you're ok with her leaving, - you're moving on - you've gone out a few times with some friends (getting a life) - you're being a great dad for your kids - you're handling all of this like a champ, almost too good - you have appointments to see counselors, before it was AA meetings, some of these appt's are at church
What's this? I thought you said you were going to counseling? Where were you if you weren't at your appointment? Why aren't you going to your AA meetings? Are you going to counseling for your anger mgmt and lying? I thought you said you were going to counseling? If you aren't going to counseling and you're not at work, where are you when I text & email you?
Are you possibly seeing someone else? Are you having an.... AFFAIR?!
(sinister music playing in the background)
You see this is what she did to you originally a few years ago I think in your first separation from her.
Maybe she believes in karma and now it's come to bite her in the a$$ for all of her past good deeds ;-)
"...You're just too good to be true, can't keep my eyes off of you, blah, blah, blah, blah" (rob doesn't remember the rest of the words to the tune)
So I'm thinking that she might have this thought in her head. Even the mere possibility of this happening can cause her to have many different thoughts that launch sporadic actions on her part (text msg terrorism, crazy emails, voicemails, etc.)
I wouldn't send any details of your counseling via email, keep that for face to face talks for whatever details you are comfortable with providing to her. You need to police your own emails now to make sure they are clean when you send them to her, you don't want anything you've emailed to her to be used against you should that event ever transpire.
But yeah, that's what I think is happening here and I think in the end, it's one of the desired outcomes.
She gives you the boot, asks you to move out, you conceded originally and were set to move out until we got a hold of you and said "hold on there buckaroo, there are other options", you change your mind, you stay, being at home with your children is the best place for you to be, instead of begging and pleading with her to give your marriage another try, you tell her that she is free to go at any time, you may have even offered to help her move out, you're not angry, sad, depressed. Nope... you're the opposite: happy, cool, calm, confident, awesome. But that doesn't sit right in her brain, why is he handling this so well? Is it possible that maybe he's interested in someone else, another woman? Maybe he's tired of all of my bull$hit, drama and games, maybe he's found someone else?
We won't know for sure until you attach an ethernet patch cable to the back of her head and we can download the contents of her brain and post on this website for further analysis ;-)
But it's definitely a possibility.
Crisis, fear of loss, those are things that cause people to act faster than they normally would (if at all). I think you've stirred up the pot a bit and she's feeling the effects.
Like I said before, you're doing a good job, expect the testing to continue in all of it's varied forms, you just continue doing what you're doing because it's working. Let her come to you, let her initiate relationship talks with you where you mostly listen and she tries to prove to you why you guys should work on the marriage, let her tell you that she wants to work on the marriage, that she still loves you and she will commit 110% wholeheartedly to the process (don't settle for anything less).
That's the goal.
.... and this is one long a$$ post, Good Night Everybody!!!
You are very helpful. She did test again tonight, she turned to me and said yopur turn with the kids I went in their rooms and she went to her room and shut the door to change. Before I would have said something like" oh so you can't change in front of me?" Didn't say squat, kissed the kids goodnight and made a cd for my lsitening pleasure.
She didn't get angry at me but our D went in her room and grabbed her rings which W got pretty pissy. I told D to put the rings back and get in bed. I watched a little tv with W and now I'm in bed. No goodnight just doing my thang.
