Great job on letting go of the control instinct. Doesnt it feel great not to take responsibility for everything???? Sounds like you are doing great Ellie- enjoy the treadmill!! I have D14 now and she is a little me- kind of amazing to hear her say she is a control freak guess we will have to watch that with her. I think it is amazing your D sings and records! My D6 may do that some day- quite a performer too. Take care of youself! Run a mile for me! Shay
Busy weekend with my kids - S16 takes SATs today, has birthday party at the house tomorrow. H is in Vermont on an annual ski-weekend with his college buddies. Last year when he went, he was such a mess - swears he didn't say anything bad about me, just how he wasn't in love with me and couldn't figure out what was wrong (doubt he told them about screwing around with the oW!). BUT - what's cute is, he really wanted to go back this year so he could tell them all how well we are doing and try to help them with their marriages!
H called me this afternoon - he said skiing was great (and his leg is working okay after his pinned-under-the-motorcycle episode of last weekend - thank goodness ). He also told me he adored me, treasured me, etc. etc. - do you think he's noticing the contrast between the way he felt last year on this trip and the way he feels this year?
Oh - and today D13 and I replaced the shower head that broke this a.m. Pretty simple job - but you see, I was always pretty handy, but since H had so much more experience, and was such a perfectionist, I gradually gave over all those jobs to him. No more
Well - tomorrow S16 (soon to be 17) is having an all-day birthday party with god knows how many of his friends here, and since I'm fighting off a cold, I think I'd better go to bed. Besides, I need my beauty sleep for when H comes home tomorrow night
Thanks so much for posting your summary. I KNOW I've read your threads off and on, I THINK pretty much from the beginning but it really is nice to have my (rather limited) memory refreshed...especially your old "handle".
What a fantastic DB coup on the motor bike...oh YEAH!
Had you done the "usual" you KNOW he'd buy it just to "win"...or worse perhaps give in and NOT buy it but blame YOU for ruining his fun...but this way, as you said, he's talking HIMSELF out of it.
The affirmations you are getting are GREAT, I'm so happy for you Ellie. And thanks for your posts to me all over the bb (hijacking can be fun )...I really do value your opinion.
As for the treadmill...hmmm. Wonder what would bug CJ more? A treadmill or me buzzing around the house all around him 60 - 80 minutes a day?
Thank you so much for the inspirational post! So can you tell us a little more about how it was that you finally detached and what triggered it for you?
Did your H ever actually file or any of that crazy stuff? Did he even mention D?
H did see an attorney - although I didn't know it at the time. Luckily, the attorney told him a legal separation was almost the same as a divorce, and if there was any hope of saving his marriage, he should! (I need to send that guy a box of candy for Christmas!). H had put down a deposit on an apartment and was planning on moving out - didn't actually cancel the deal until a few days before he was supposed to move in.
In a funny way, I think the thing that helped me detach was when I found out he bought the same gift (monogrammed necklaces) for me AND the OW. Somehow, that just made it so clear to me that my H must be REALLY confused, because nobody who thought about it for a second would do such a thing (he'd be reminded of me when he looked at the OW? Reminded of OW when he looked at me?)
Also - I had spent so many years feeling this undercurrent of H being dissatisfied and critical. MC even tried to tell me I was neurotic - so in a funny way I felt vindicated when H had the affair. I wasn't nuts, I wasn't imagining things, my H really WASN'T totally committed to the marriage, and in fact, had psychologically had the "door open" a crack for years, just in case something better camre along (something he now understands as being related to his fear of abandonment). So while many people might immediately react with wondering what was wrong with them that their spouse left, I'd already spent plenty of time and effort trying to be "better" for my H - at that point, I understood HE had a problem, not me! (Not that I didn't keep working on myself - I did).
My H became severely depressed after the affair was discovered and almost had a breakdown - went to the psychiatrist's office and DEMANDED to be seen!!! So, it was easier for me to feel compassion for him, and understand how sick he was, and realize that I loved him for him, despite the pain he was causing me.
Still, without the help of the boards, I could never have gotten past the hurtful things he said and did. It helped so much to see other people getting through things much worse than my sitch, and being reminded of DB principals daily.
This may well be beyond help, but it is good to have a respected clinical opinion of whether the patient has a prognosis or not.
Personally, I think the patient is brain dead, but T2 sees it different... I need a second, unrelated medical opinion before pulling the plug...Texas law.
Thanks
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
guess we will have to watch that with her. I think it is amazing your D sings and records! My D6 may do that some day- quite a performer too.
Tough job.
