The trash doesn't bother me. If every so often we all go off on a tangent to clear our heads and share a laugh, then we apparently all needed it.
Plus, if it keeps the interest and support heading my waym it's the tiniest price to pay.
As far as the tips above, I've looked very carefully at the two main complaints my W had about me. I asked about it when I was debating how to do 180's in my behaviour (e.g. more touchig and affection) while detaching (minimal contact, minimal interaction) which would simply appear as more of he same. I really struggled with that but came to realize that it would have been too little; too late. And pursuing.
The only other things I could think of was "standing up for myself (at work and with her). 'No More Mr Nice Guy' is helping me understand that one. Plain as the nose on my face- THAT was a problem. Fear of conflict; not asking for what I wanted in the R; no boundaries; doormat; passive/aggressive 'contracts'; sexual repression. All of it. Frikkin textbook.
So I'm beginning to understand where I need to go physically and mentally/emptionally. I didn't understand my eventual shortcomings as I had been out of R's for most of my 30's. So when she came around the old behaviours and motivations from the last long R eventually returned as conditioned bhvrs. I have to break that cycle.
I'm gonna read Love Langs, too. I know me fairly well but I can't accurately tell where she falls. I did the survey trying to be sure but came out with 4x 8 rather than a couple 12's. So I'll learn all 4.
If I get more time I may look into Marriage Builders (if we get to piecing) but for now I need to make me a better R partner and a better overall man. Now that I have more time I can spend more on getting my job back under control (and look at options) as well as setting the house up the way I like it.
Keep busy; get my legal done; focus on D during my weeks; GAL; learn my new R 180's; avoid the old habits; find the old me and add the new qualities.
I need to be ready for my next R. Looking forward to meeting her (or re-introducing myself)
.... The only other things I could think of was "standing up for myself (at work and with her). 'No More Mr Nice Guy' is helping me understand that one. Plain as the nose on my face- THAT was a problem. Fear of conflict; not asking for what I wanted in the R; no boundaries; doormat; passive/aggressive 'contracts'; sexual repression. All of it. Frikkin textbook.
You just described me to a T. There have been a few books I've recently read and will re-read again that I found very helpful in these areas. They are all about being authentic and not 'hiding' your true self - which I found has been the root problem for all the behaviors you've written above - all of which I found in myself.
The Brad Blanton book is hardcore. The Susan Campbell book is a lighter version of Blantons (she worked with him for a while) and I found that one a little more suited to where I'm at. I found Undefended Love very good also.
