New Game- Exposed

[SunnyD]

No Dobson avail here. Have to wait til I get home.

I will get some Allen stuff to Aunt.

Wish I didn't have to email it.

They will learn, I guess.

But they have to hear the truth from me so when it comes out, they will know I was right. And I warned them.

Exactly. I think when you show them Allen's stuff, they will see if nothing else that YOU are trying to preserve your family and protect your daughter. It's tough, I know. It's like my sitch right now where I had to expose H's activities to D18 and S16 and find the balance between knowing they love their dad and not wanting to make it a mom vs dad thing yet to have them stand up in defense of the family. Of course, in my sitch they're my kids too - not H's family of origin, so they have a vested interest in their relationships with me as well. I do think it helped them that I talked to them about healthy relationships and it not just being an issue between "mom and dad" but about our family as a whole - and their emotional/physical/financial well-being. In other words, I tried my best to make them understand they weren't choosing sides except to choose the side of "We want our family together. We want to be a whole family, not a divided family."

[MHL]

"all of the above" means I'm not getting my life back as quickly as I'd hoped or expected.

CD,
Glad to hear you are on vacation, the timing is perfect given your sitch. What you stated up ^^^^^^^ there, is a mouthful, re-read it and let it soak in.

The TIME thing is what I am referring to here, you got to get your head wrapped around that concept.

Eventually TIME will be your friend, you will understand this later.

No matter the outcome of all this it is going to take place over TIME.

If you are to eventually split up and divorce your W it is going to take TIME to for you to do things for yourself and get yourself where you need to be in order to be happy again, right?

On the other hand if by some miracle your W comes to her senses and wakes the f*ck up and dumps this loser and comes home it is still going to take TIME for your marriage to heal.

TIME IS THE CONSTANT IN EVERYONE'S SITCH ON THIS BOARD.

Are you ready for some good news??? You have a better than average chance of saving your marriage IMO.

Why do I say this?

Up until this point you have pretty much done things perfectly, maybe that is why I am following you. You have followed Puppy's and Allen's advice exactly, there aren't too many that do that. Ask them, they will tell you. I have seen it.

How is it that I am so optimistic about your sitch?

Because in all these cases the WAS almost always follows the same script, the same behaviors, the things they say and do. If they did not Puppy's and Allen's advice would not apply to almost every situation of infidelity, right?

Stick with me, we are taking a trip on the Logic train here.

Because we know what your W is going to do next before she even does it we know how to react, what to say, what to do. Guess what?? we also know the feelings and emotions you are going to go through also. We have all been there, so we know. We also know what to tell you to do next so that you will increase your chances of success.

You have the other team's playbook, you have a crystal ball you know what is going to happen next, but everything slooooowwwwws way down from here. I said this before…….. you have been moving a warp speed and you are going to shift to baby steps now, it is gonna feel like a complete stop, like you hit a brick wall.
If you have the patience and I mean the kind of patience you have displayed thus far and you can detach yourself from the situation, you can start the hard work of working on CD.

I am not talking about working out, loosing weight, more money, etc. those things are definitely part of working on you but what I am talking about is looking in the mirror really hard and recognizing the things you don't like about CD and eliminating those things from your life forever. Conversely, finding out what is missing in CD’s life and fill those gaps.

Back to the Logic train.

If you follow a plan, which you have already demonstrated you can, you will make CD into someone different, someone better, someone any woman would just die to be with.

Here is the kicker……your course of action should be the same no matter what the you decide to do, stand for your marriage or dump her. Your actions should be the same and that is for you to grow personally. Of course you could choose to wallow in self pity and defeat but you do not strike me as the type of person to do that.

If you start to look around in the other forums and even here in infidelity as time wears on the WAS does the same damn things in almost every sitch, the details are just different and the timelines differ. I can also tell you, and Puppy and Allen can back this up, Relationships born of infidelity have less than a 5% chance of making it. (Numbers may even be less). The other commonality is that the WAS often, (not always) wants to come back to the M at some point in the future. How you handle yourself between now and that time will determine the likelihood of that scenario.

What I am telling you here is that there is HOPE for you and your marriage. I am no Pollyanna, and there are no guarantees but you can start to do the REALLY hard work that takes time, patience, detachment and unconditional love for your wife. You can do what it takes and you may or may not get your wife back…..or……..you can pitch it in and definitely not get your wife back.

I have found that it takes something traumatic in ones life to change them, whether it be the death of a loved one, a near death experience or…..in our case infidelity. The TIME has come are you ready to change?

The other piece is I am getting very much settled in my view that the next step is completely letting go. The exposures are not accomplishing much from where I sit.

You are right on the money here. You have done just about all you can do…..for now.

CD,

I don't necessarily disagree with you, but I do think you should give it some internal, set amount of time in YOUR mind. 3 months perhaps?

Some do six, others a year or even two; I personally could have NEVER abided that long. I chose three, and told my wife only that "I hope you'll hurry up and do the right thing, because what's left of my love for you is running out every day you carry on this affair and lie to me and everyone else about it."


Puppy

I am putting Puppy’s quote in here since his advice thus far has been invaluable he also knows that from here on out it is a TIME thing.

Before you start communicating time tables and boundaries and the like to your wayward W, I would caution you to consider how long you will stand. If you say 3 months and 3 months comes and goes and you are still standing, it will weaken your position. IMO I would just let things sit as they are for now and go dim/dark, let all this soak in now would be a good TIME to work on detachment. Here is a link to an article that has help many on the board. It is a good place to start.

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

You have mixed all the ingredients, followed all the instructions on the side of the box, poured the batter in the pan and preheated the oven. It is TIME (there’s that word again) to put the cake batter in the oven and wait for it to cook.

Question is are you going to stand in front of the oven and watch it cook or do you want to go and do something more productive for CD and CD’s daughter?

[CD Bear]

I'll have to look through all my "excerpts" to find a nice, blunt, concise Allen piece that "speaks" to family of the WAS.

Unless someone has one at the ready.......

[Truegritter]

CD

I haven't posted to you before and I haven't read through your sitch.

Look the only thing I would say is there is a difference between moving on and moving forward.

The latter being a process where the goal is to heal and grow as a man.

It starts with complete detachment as Missher said.

This allows you to pull yourself out of the hurt, pain and self doubt created by this unfortunate circumstance in your M.

I assume(and again I haven't read your whole sitch) that you know all you need to know about your W and her A.

IMO once you have that info, and enough to protect yourself legally and financially it is time to start protecting you emotionally.

Detach.

Now is the time to look in the mirror and see who CD is and who CD wants to be.

It is time to work on you.

Everyone is different in how they come down on going forward.

It really is a personal decision.

Me? I took a vow to love and honor my W.

That means a lot to me. But that is me.

So I know when I said my vow I didn't say I will love and honor you

BUT

If you get scared and lose your way...

I won't.

This is separating yourself from someone elses choice.

She didn't do this to you she did it to herself.

Your W has spoken for now. Let her have what she is telling you she wants.

They are her choices so honor( if your vows are important to you) her by respecting her right to make them. And the consequences that go with them.

Your goal from here on should be take care of YOU.

Move forward CD.

[CD Bear]

Well, I appreciate the kind words and the encouragement. As I was reading your appraisal of my performance, I was thinking "Why does it feel like I've been sucking at this?" My answer was "'Because I certainly don't see that anything 'worked' particularly well.

A continues
Lies continue
D still living like a gypsy on her watch
THEY seem to be getting comfortable and conning their families

However, I'll take your word for it and press on.

I'll get some stuff to those I have exposed to to validate my "non-insane" position and to show them that "non-choice" is a choice.

I also want to add that "despite what you may hear-and I will withold my hard copies-this affair began in January latest and hotel receipts go back to mid April"

"How do you feel about being lied to by family? And watching family blow up their marriage and damage our daughter?"

I will put your entire post on my Berry for quick reference.

Thanks again, MHL.
Brilliant. Made my day.

[CD Bear]

Thanks, that is an important distinction. On vs forward.

I know that when the terms of ep Agreement are presented the venom will spew. But I know that I have the ammo for that, too.

"It's not fair"
You are right. I will lose 80K and walk with 70. You get to walk with only a 20K loss.

"You are being vindictive"
Actually, no. If I were vindictive, I would sue for full custody; sue you both for defamation of character (and I have the proof); and if the situation were reversed and I had the affair, you actions would be much harsher than mine. I just want to be away from your lies and get on with a better life."

And I'll start working on me right now.

[Quicksilver264]

Yeah I agree with the two above posters.

I have to watch my wife move in with a 24 year old coworker who she wants to DATE AND SLEEP WITH. She thinks that she can lure this guy into being a boyfriend, and the living with and being with him will make her "be free of me".

She is clawing so hard for divorce that the SLIGHTEST SETBACK in the process sends her over the edge. And I mean OVER.

Thing is in my State, there is only 90 days between filing and starting the process, so Time always works against me. I mean I can contest it and wait 2 years, but who knows what will happen then?

And so I have to resign myself to the fact my wife is gonna go wild and do this guy 19 ways to Sunday BECAUSE SHE CAN.

Then, I DO WHAT IS RIGHT FOR ME, and show her what an ADULT looks like.

And it alllllllll sucks.

[steady]

It is really amazing to watch the insanity of family. It's like they see a woman getting assaulted, screaming for help, they shrug their shoulders and say...oh. Then walk on their merry way. No, it's worse than that. The ones doing the assaulting are their family members.

What ever happened to family holding each other accountable to some minimum standard?

My W fabricated stuff and put it right in the divorce papers. They were related to me working with her dad. Now everyone knows what she wrote is completely opposite of what happened. Do you think anyone in her family is holding her accountable for it? Have I seen a revised copy of the paperwork with that stuff changed back to the truth? Hell no. That only tells me they are just looking the other way.

It makes me sick. I don't want to deal with them any more than I want to deal with her. They're supporting this BS.

People are really sick. I know blood is thicker than water, but come on, get your head out of the sand. Stand the f#ck up and do the right thing....

[CD Bear]

My sitch is W 29; OM 23.
Moving off a golf course to hook up in co-op housing.
Currently sharing a 2 BR with OM's bro and SIL. And thei 2 Yo D.

The logic train doesn't stop there.

QS, there is still some anger and frustration in your "font"

I'm less frustrated by what she is doing to herself (and that's what it is) than the resistance of people to take a stand and believe the truth.

My belief in people I thought I knew bothers me most. She's gonna do this till the chips fall. Can't stop her. Then she'll come looking for me. I've said this before to others but the dumbest thing to watch is somebody burning their bridge WHILE THEY ARE STILL STANDING ON IT.

[MHL]

But I know that I have the ammo for that, too.

CD,
You've been here long enough so you know what a 2x4 is right? Well here it comes.......unload your gun.....in fact sell it, give it away....this is one of the mentalities that need to be surgically removed from your head.

I don't say this lightly.....it is very, very, very hard to do.

"Why does it feel like I've been sucking at this?" My answer was "'Because I certainly don't see that anything 'worked' particularly well.

Your watching the oven, you just put the cake in let cook for a while. Listen this does not happen overnite.

I was right where you are exactly one year ago. I went out to a bar one night, came home (W was still in the house) and I literally expected her to come running out of the spare bedroom showering me with kisses and asking me where I had been. What a complete a$$ I was.

remember this word, TIME H@LL write with a marker on your wrist, write it on the bathroom mirror, in your car, your BB message, freaking everywhere man. THIS STUFF TAKES TIME!!!!!

BTW on the other wrist you can write PATIENCE......kinda go hand in hand don't they????

A continues
Lies continue
D still living like a gypsy on her watch
THEY seem to be getting comfortable and conning their families

Yes, yes, yes and yes to all the statements above. SUCKS BIG TIME. DETACH read the article from the link in my last post. This is a process and yes it will take time. If you don't detach you will eff up what you have done so far. Let it go, please....it is hard i know, it is unfair, but you do not control her or them.

However, I'll take your word for it and press on.

Good, but you have to dump the victim mentality.

I'll get some stuff to those I have exposed to to validate my "non-insane" position and to show them that "non-choice" is a choice.

I don't want to step on Puppy's paws...errr...toes here and Puppy chime in here.....IMO I am not so sure more exposure or proving that it happened is going to help your sitch anymore. In fact it could hurt your sitch.

Look, these people are not complete morons, well maybe some of them, but they know the deal. If they choose not to believe you so be it, you can't control what they think. You made your case let it be.

Listen, you know what is worse then the PA???? Its when your W is telling the OM and his family, her family and anyone else who will listen that you are a nut job, always have been and always will be. If you keep up the campaign past a certain point you validate what she is saying. Them being together validates everything you said.

I also want to add that "despite what you may hear-and I will withold my hard copies-this affair began in January latest and hotel receipts go back to mid April"

"How do you feel about being lied to by family? And watching family blow up their marriage and damage our daughter?"

Does it really matter at this point when it started? Yesterday or 6 months ago? She is married with a 2 year old daughter, its all the same.

Thanks again, MHL.
Brilliant. Made my day.

Glad I made your day.......return the favor make my day.......do this right.

You do not know how I wish I could go back and redo what I did, hindsight is 20/20. Man I am routing for you!!! You really have a good chance, this affair will fizzle and my guess is rather quickly but you have now got to let it run its course, that is why you have to detach from it, if you don't you will go crazy. Trust me I know....I did.