When she asks what you are doing, are you being mysterious and vague with your answers or are you giving her a blow by blow of what you have been up to? You want to be vague and mysterious.
Just my $.02
Me48 WAW46 M24 yrs S24 D21 D19 EA disc 6/09 2nd EA Fall 09 I move out 11/12/09 W and I switch 1/14/10 D Filed 3/17/10 W moves in with OM 6/8/10 D Final 6/21/10
Cant really say i have been vague or mysterious. I am not a really good liar even by omission. I am not really trying to create an illusion.
As i said earlier i have a pretty good life and enjoy going out even now. not sure if i am going down the wrong path but the fact that she asks is a good sign and i have no problem telling her. I usually just say something like
Went out with the boys after work
or just went out to a bar.
If she digs i will tell her who was there that she knows. I am not trying to make her think I am out looking for women just letting her know that my life is not on hold when she sorts out her issues. She can prob sort the rest out.
Although an old GF just sent me an invite to her facebook which W happened to notice on our home email. That never hurts, when she mentioned it I just laughed it off
Probably one of the most difficult things about living under the same roof as a WAW is probably what i can only refer to the static shock effect. You probably know the feeling when accidentally bump against her or have to squeeze by her its like if you both touch at all you will get shocked. This is even more evident when you are still sleeping in the same bed.
One of the points on this is I am treating her different than i would a friend. The funny thing is I don't know whether this is coming from me or her.
How do people think is the best way to deal with this. I am thinking to start not avoiding touching her and just treat it in the same way i would brush by a female friend. This way if she doesn't comment then it makes things more comfortable.
I have been DB'ing now for about 3 months and while i have seen some progress over the last month, every now and then she makes a quip about separating and 30 mins later will say something that eludes to staying together.
My feeling right now is that she could maintain this limbo for quite a while but I am not sure I can.
At some stage i am going to just tell her that she needs to make up her mind what she wants and i will deal with it either way.
that's where i am thinking of heading right now. Any idea on how to phrase it. What I am trying to get across to her is that if she wants to work on the M or see's a way out of this mess that i will work with her. I know it will take some time but i need to see some light at the end of the tunnel.
If she has no interest then we should just get it done with as I would like to get on with enjoying my life and don't need someone dragging me down.
The danger about having this conversation is that I don't want it to turn into me spilling my guts out. Enough of those happened after she dropped the Bomb and i know how "useful" they are.
" I've been thinking a lot lately, and I don't think what we're setting up will work for me. I now realize that I don't want to live with someone that really doesn't want to be with me. It just isn't what I want in life. So, I have decided that we should separate and work towards divorce. I think you should find another place to live as soon as possible, a little after you return from the Couples weekend. We should also tell the girls when you return. Having this linger til the Spring will do neither of us any good, nor the girls.
We can work on the finances when you return, as well as figuring out what to do about the house and joint custody. I'm sorry it didn't work out between us, but I have really heard what you've said and realized that maybe this is for the best for everyone.
I don't think it's productive to go to see our C in joint counseling since there's no desire on your part to reconcile. I wish that were different, and part of me will always hold on to a small piece of hope, but that's no way to live."
The hard part is that you have to follow through. This type of message will cause a firestorm with your WAS as it cuts out their safety net and forces them to make concrete decisions and actions.
" I've been thinking a lot lately, and I don't think what we're setting up will work for me. I now realize that I don't want to live with someone that really doesn't want to be with me. It just isn't what I want in life. So, I have decided that we should separate and work towards divorce. I think you should find another place to live as soon as possible, a little after you return from the Couples weekend. We should also tell the girls when you return. Having this linger til the Spring will do neither of us any good, nor the girls.
We can work on the finances when you return, as well as figuring out what to do about the house and joint custody. I'm sorry it didn't work out between us, but I have really heard what you've said and realized that maybe this is for the best for everyone.
I don't think it's productive to go to see our C in joint counseling since there's no desire on your part to reconcile. I wish that were different, and part of me will always hold on to a small piece of hope, but that's no way to live."
Remain calm when you speak with her (at all times). Do not get angry or agitated. Just tell her what's on your mind, be cool, etc. Puppy can prob give you great advice on how to handle this.
I used to get really upset & felt like the world was ending everytime my H dropped the D word and or told me to leave, and felt like crying, begging him to try to work on things with me. Now I realize it was moot. Should have heeded the aforementioned advice. The more calm you act, the better in the long run. Trust me.
Pinhead, Thanks for this. I realize the hard bit is you have to follow through so i am going to take some time to figure out what works for ME.
When I take this path it is for ME and not some idle threat to try and force her to stay in the M because if she really doesn't want to be there whats the point. My issue right now is how much of my life should i put on hold waiting for her to sort hers out.
I know its only been 3 months but it seems like an eternity. It's like living with a REALLY bad roommate who expects you to pay their rent. How long would we put up with that.
Yeah, follow through and a stiff spine is essential. I've caved a lot on the deadline for moving out, but next week after meeting with my lawyer, I'm going to tell her that waiting til the appt. of her dreams is available isn't going to be something I'll live with. Tough love...
You've been in limbo a lot longer than I have, so you know how bad it is and how much you can take. I can't take anymore. The way I see it, the sooner we're apart, two things will happen:
1. Her little fantasy world will fall apart, and she'll realize that she should try to work on our R. I give this a 10% chance, though I truly hope it's the end result.
2. I can move on with my life, heal my heart, and find someone to share my life with in a happy, healthy, loving relationship. It's been so long since I've had that, I don't know if I'd recognize it!
