13...We have a problem (cont'd from Waiting...)

[TeaEarlGreyHot]

Revised and extended remarks from "Waiting More Than a Dozen Years"

Yet, DLS is partly right--we are all 50% responsible for how our marriages turn out--it is never one spouse who creates an entire dynamic. Even when we think/say we want a particular thing in our marriage, if we don't have the guts to stand up and demand it, then how much do we really want it? You say you explicitly told your second wife you didn't want a sexless marriage--yet, she could probably tell on some level, either at that point or after the sex ended, that you too were not "being honest" about that, since 12 years later you haven't acted on your words.

Take the example of a woman who was beaten as a child by her father, and possibly a boyfriend or two, and marries a man she thinks is completely different, letting him know that she's escaping from a life where she would be beaten. Yet, often as not, a few years down the line she's being beaten by her H. Is she entirely a victim? The beatings, certainly, are not in any way her fault, and are reprehensible. Yet, until she grows up enough to demand more for herself, to be able to walk away from a codependant dynamic, and to grow healthier herself so that she is able to attract a healthier sort of partner, she is still 50% responsible for the kinds of situations she keeps finding herself in. Without realizing it, she's recreating the sort of dynamic that feels familiar.

Perhaps there are certain women who are afraid to admit they don't desire sex. But what is it about you that attracts them ... and what has twice attracted you to them?

To clarify, there was no "threat" associated with what I said I wanted in the marriage with regard to sex and how clearly I said it. Thus, there were no words for me to act on. This was not and "if, then" statement in terms of action and consequence. The desire for a sexually intimate relationship now is just as present as it was then (and just as honest). And while the "50% rule" might appear functional in most marriages, a single moment, phrase, or action by one might dictate the ways things will be from that moment on in the marriage.

And what I was really requesting was that she/we take a proactive role in setting aside time (and energy) for sexual intimacy. What I did say to her at the time was "if we had to wait until you were ready and in the mood, there would not be any sex!" It was said in the context that it was almost always me that initiated any foreplay or sexual overtures and that more and more often I was being turned away. Little did I realize how prescient I was in that statement.

What brought this all to a head was the "demand."

"NO means NO! Not yes, not maybe!" was the response I got.

Equally as important (and a recurring theme for her) is that "no man is going to tell her what to do." Or "better men than you have tried," though she has never said that to me. But those certainly were the two themes associated with her last husband.

Now, you asked what it is that attracts them to me. I believe that I provide them "safety" to be who they really are.

What attracted me to them? Well, I would tell you that the beginnings of the relationship were not nonsexual. Both of my relationships with my two wives were intensely sexual and intimate. To the point that I did not see this coming. Part of it, if not most of it, I attribute to hormonal issues that I never knew or anticipated could be as severe as they were.

Certainly, with my first wife I was fully unprepared for the sudden end to our sex lives when our son was born. We went from an anytime/anyplace type of sex-life that typified much of our relationship and marriage (even through pregnancy) to one where sexual intimacy of any type was very rare. The difference between one state and another occurred over a time period that can be measured in hours. On a Thursday night, three days before the projected due date, my very pregnant, full term wife was straddled over me having incredibly intense orgasms much as she had throughout much of the pregnancy. On Saturday morning, she was in labor and we went to the hospital. On Sunday morning, after 24 hours of labor, she had a C-section. She had no real desire for sex after that and we dutifully waited the full 6-weeks that her OB-GYN recommended for full healing. We tried sex again after he gave the all-clear but she was not really interested and it went nowhere. I did not pressure her and I told her that it was alright. We went 4 months from the time that of our last sexual encounter before our son's birth until we "successfully" were sexually intimate once again. But it was not easy, even with plenty of lubricant and the warm glow of the fire in our fireplace. And she was not interested in trying again for another 3 months and that was when we went away for a trip to Charleston, SC for some time to ourselves. But our sex life never recovered and just when it looked like it might be starting to reestablish itself, she got involved with someone else and had no interest in being sexually intimate with me again.

She would tell you, as she has told me, that she never expected motherhood (or the powerful forces of the hormones) to displace the love she said she felt for me before our son was born. Yet, she never felt that way about me again after he was born. She did not expect that, nor did I and there is no way I know of to prepare for that. She is, at least, honest about that now. Back then it was very painful to be "working things out" and having nothing to show for it.

As for my current wife, there were signs that her sexual interest in me was waning. But again, much of that seemed attributable to approaching menopause. And maybe most if not all of her lack of sexual interest in me is directly attributable to to all the medical conditions that led to her hysterectomy. At a higher level of thinking I can acknowledge that and yet it does little address my underlying desire for sexual intimacy.

It is a predicament that is not solvable by presenting a "demand."

Nor did I have any idea that things would turn out this way when we met and in the beginning when we were attracted to each other (and I say it has happened three times if I include my high school girlfriend for whom being sexual beyond a certain point made her uncomfortable to the point where she would just "freeze up." Years later, she would be caught in bed with another woman as her husband...not me...discovered that he was caught up in a lesbian/bisexual love triangle.).

But after three separate and different experiences that have had the same type of outcome (and I'm the only common denominator in all three), there has been this recurring thought that this is just the way it is for me and it will always be this way, NO MATTER WHAT. I think this thought scares me less than it scares my wife. But she is the only one who can choose to be sexual with me again (or not). And she is not willing to make that choice.

The Captain