"all of the above" means I'm not getting my life back as quickly as I'd hoped or expected.
CD, Glad to hear you are on vacation, the timing is perfect given your sitch. What you stated up ^^^^^^^ there, is a mouthful, re-read it and let it soak in.
The TIME thing is what I am referring to here, you got to get your head wrapped around that concept.
Eventually TIME will be your friend, you will understand this later.
No matter the outcome of all this it is going to take place over TIME.
If you are to eventually split up and divorce your W it is going to take TIME to for you to do things for yourself and get yourself where you need to be in order to be happy again, right?
On the other hand if by some miracle your W comes to her senses and wakes the f*ck up and dumps this loser and comes home it is still going to take TIME for your marriage to heal.
TIME IS THE CONSTANT IN EVERYONE'S SITCH ON THIS BOARD.
Are you ready for some good news??? You have a better than average chance of saving your marriage IMO.
Why do I say this?
Up until this point you have pretty much done things perfectly, maybe that is why I am following you. You have followed Puppy's and Allen's advice exactly, there aren't too many that do that. Ask them, they will tell you. I have seen it.
How is it that I am so optimistic about your sitch?
Because in all these cases the WAS almost always follows the same script, the same behaviors, the things they say and do. If they did not Puppy's and Allen's advice would not apply to almost every situation of infidelity, right?
Stick with me, we are taking a trip on the Logic train here.
Because we know what your W is going to do next before she even does it we know how to react, what to say, what to do. Guess what?? we also know the feelings and emotions you are going to go through also. We have all been there, so we know. We also know what to tell you to do next so that you will increase your chances of success.
You have the other team's playbook, you have a crystal ball you know what is going to happen next, but everything slooooowwwwws way down from here. I said this before…….. you have been moving a warp speed and you are going to shift to baby steps now, it is gonna feel like a complete stop, like you hit a brick wall. If you have the patience and I mean the kind of patience you have displayed thus far and you can detach yourself from the situation, you can start the hard work of working on CD.
I am not talking about working out, loosing weight, more money, etc. those things are definitely part of working on you but what I am talking about is looking in the mirror really hard and recognizing the things you don't like about CD and eliminating those things from your life forever. Conversely, finding out what is missing in CD’s life and fill those gaps.
Back to the Logic train.
If you follow a plan, which you have already demonstrated you can, you will make CD into someone different, someone better, someone any woman would just die to be with.
Here is the kicker……your course of action should be the same no matter what the you decide to do, stand for your marriage or dump her. Your actions should be the same and that is for you to grow personally. Of course you could choose to wallow in self pity and defeat but you do not strike me as the type of person to do that.
If you start to look around in the other forums and even here in infidelity as time wears on the WAS does the same damn things in almost every sitch, the details are just different and the timelines differ. I can also tell you, and Puppy and Allen can back this up, Relationships born of infidelity have less than a 5% chance of making it. (Numbers may even be less). The other commonality is that the WAS often, (not always) wants to come back to the M at some point in the future. How you handle yourself between now and that time will determine the likelihood of that scenario.
What I am telling you here is that there is HOPE for you and your marriage. I am no Pollyanna, and there are no guarantees but you can start to do the REALLY hard work that takes time, patience, detachment and unconditional love for your wife. You can do what it takes and you may or may not get your wife back…..or……..you can pitch it in and definitely not get your wife back.
I have found that it takes something traumatic in ones life to change them, whether it be the death of a loved one, a near death experience or…..in our case infidelity. The TIME has come are you ready to change?
Originally Posted By: CD Bear
The other piece is I am getting very much settled in my view that the next step is completely letting go. The exposures are not accomplishing much from where I sit.
You are right on the money here. You have done just about all you can do…..for now.
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
CD,
I don't necessarily disagree with you, but I do think you should give it some internal, set amount of time in YOUR mind. 3 months perhaps?
Some do six, others a year or even two; I personally could have NEVER abided that long. I chose three, and told my wife only that "I hope you'll hurry up and do the right thing, because what's left of my love for you is running out every day you carry on this affair and lie to me and everyone else about it."
Puppy
I am putting Puppy’s quote in here since his advice thus far has been invaluable he also knows that from here on out it is a TIME thing.
Before you start communicating time tables and boundaries and the like to your wayward W, I would caution you to consider how long you will stand. If you say 3 months and 3 months comes and goes and you are still standing, it will weaken your position. IMO I would just let things sit as they are for now and go dim/dark, let all this soak in now would be a good TIME to work on detachment. Here is a link to an article that has help many on the board. It is a good place to start.
You have mixed all the ingredients, followed all the instructions on the side of the box, poured the batter in the pan and preheated the oven. It is TIME (there’s that word again) to put the cake batter in the oven and wait for it to cook.
Question is are you going to stand in front of the oven and watch it cook or do you want to go and do something more productive for CD and CD’s daughter?
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
