THEY ARE NOT aliens. They are human beings who are screwing around with other people.
I think the sooner some of you guys face reality about "the fog" and "aliens" and just following "script" the better off you will be. I am sorry and I realize this hurts and it blows and you may feel powerless in the face of dealing with it, but to hide behind a simile is ridiculous. Here is one:
If you get the cold shoulder, then you know not to do it again. You're misinterpreting what DB is all about. It's about doing what works and less of what doesn't.
If the WAS acts negatively reacting to you, then you stop the pursuing. But if the WAS reacts positively to you, then you build on that momentum and keep moving forward.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Thank you MrBond, and especially Steve. I've been biting my tongue on a "alienbusters" comment all afternoon.
If you feel you are at a moment where your WAS is longing for help, what in the world does it hurt to extend yourself to them? They ARE afterall YOUR SPOUSE, not some pod person, alien, or fog creature.
I did. And she didn't let go for 5 minutes. The following week, we had an opportunity to turn everything around pre-divorce. But, she contiunued to sleep in the bed she made. And in the spirit of what was just said, don't do what doesn't work, I never extended myself again. And it took 9 MONTHS and a DIVORCE. NOT 9 HOURS overnight and a cold shower for her to come back. It took 9 months for her realize I am what she wanted for extending myself, ONCE, and RESPECTING MYSELF long and hard enough to not do it AGAIN.
Hard knocks boys. It don't happen overnight. I "haven't advised you what to do yet"? Oh, yes I have. Settle down, relax, do the best you can for you, and your kids if you so have, let the WAS sort themselves out while YOU SORT YOURSELF OUT.
Last edited by dday101798; 07/28/1007:44 PM.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
100% agreement. Don't do what doesn't work CAN'T mean don't try if in your heart you think it might work. Now don't pursue, or any of the anti-DB strategies that we all cling to.
Remember, that if/when your WAS wants to reconcile, they're going to be more afraid than you've ever been. They'll be afraid of being rejected, of being embarrassed, humiliated, and hurt.
THEY ARE NOT aliens. They are human beings who are screwing around with other people.
I think the sooner some of you guys face reality about "the fog" and "aliens" and just following "script" the better off you will be. I am sorry and I realize this hurts and it blows and you may feel powerless in the face of dealing with it, but to hide behind a simile is ridiculous. Here is one:
Wow, I didn't mean to get this sidetracked so much.
I guess I saw alien on here before from someone trying to explain his W and, to me, that one word does explain my W's behavior . I don't mind the 2x4's or being corrected. I WANT to know what I'm doing wrong. I don't think I'm hiding behind a simile or hiding from reality. I'm still going through this and living it every day. The person I'm living with is not the person that I married. I'm sure she's confused and hurt, too.
Let go, don't initiate affection, try initiating with her, don't move out, move out if she won't, WTF.
Steve, I'm really sorry I'm not the student at this that you would like me to be, but I am really trying.
Look, all that I was trying to convey to LSG was that I understood what it was like to see his "old" wife for a minute and then the "new" wife, the one that want out so bad, comes back so soon. Yeah, it does hurt and it does blow and I do feel powerless at times.
Don't be so hard on yourself. You are not f'ing up. I have used the "alien" term myself. I do appreciate you supporting me. You are not doing anything wrong. I just think Steve does not want you to let the terms and some of the things here stop you from doing what you think is right.
IDU - Everyone here has seen the progress you have made and how hard you are trying. Keep trying and do not take anything personal. Steve just has his own approach and style to helping us.
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
I hope I someday find the success you have in my R with my W. I keep positive, but I have not tried to do anything, but detach and focus on the kids and me lately. I sincerely thought if I loved my W enough, we would be okay. I cannot believe how wrong I was. I see the way my W looks at me with contempt and almost hate.
I have to keep moving forward. I just hate the sick feeling I have had all day long. I have a lack of appetite. I just don't feel to great about things today.
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
W was the same when she woke up this morning. We did not even say goodbye today. I just have a hard time wanting to say anything to her.
Kids and I have been going to Vacation Bible Study (VBS) all week. Actually I have been taking them. They really enjoy it. W called at 7:22 pm to say that she was finished with IC, and she was going to Target. She picked the kids up and left at about 7:30 pm.
I made dinner for the kids, and I did not eat because I was not hungry tonight. She will buy the kids something, and then, she will come home.
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
me? i know a little bit about drinking, cheating and killing snakes and sometimes i write in metaphors and sometimes i try and give you a glimpse of what might be going on in their minds. but that goes over as well as the metaphors.