Another update on my deteriorating situation. Is it deteriorating? Who knows?
W wanted to talk this morning. She was upbeat and in a good mood, so there was no feeling of doom and gloom.
She said she spoke with OM yesterday. She said when she ended things months ago she just stopped communicating with him, and didn't really decisively end it, which is why she didn't defriend him on FB. She said it would have seemed out of the blue and hostile for her to do it without having some sort of closure with him. She said he originally wanted to still be friends, but at the time she told him she didn't know if that was possible. This was all months ago before her and I reconnected. She said she told him yesterday she couldn't be friends with him. She said she would defriend him on FB, and I was free to look over her board to verify that she hadn't been communicating with him on there.
I told her from my point of view she seemed a lot more concerned with appearing hostile to him than doing damage to any chance we had. I said we've got a mountain to climb, and she didn't even want to get the big boulders out of the way. She got annoyed and said "H, it WAS a big boulder, now it's a tiny pebble." She admitted she was naive to not consider what it would mean to me to see him on FB, and that my reaction was understandable. I said "Maybe that's because you know how you feel about it, but I don't." She agreed, looked at me, and said "I know it's totally OVER."
She looked tired and exasperated. She said "H, I just want to have fun. So much of our time is spent dealing with all this crap. That first night we went out dancing, that was FUN, without anything else getting in the way, but ever since, it seems like we can't do anything without this coming in somewhere." I agreed with her and said I want to have fun too. I said I just wanted to get this stuff dealt with and off the table.
She said "H, I feel trapped and I don't like it. I'm going to talk it over with <MC> and see if I can figure out why, but in the mean time I don't want to feel like I'm doing something bad if I flirt with someone or spend some time with someone. I'm not looking to have sex with anyone, or get into anything serious, but I just want to be able to go out and have fun." I said "I've been feeling the same way, I'm tired of dealing with all this, and I wasn't sure what I thought about dating someone else." She said "How about make a deal that we date each other, and maybe other people too, as long as it's just fun and casual, and we each let the other know if anything starts turning serious with someone else?" I took a long pause, then said "After everything we've been through, I'm not entirely sure we can handle that." She is leaving today with the kids and going to her brother's place for a week, and she said "I'm going to be gone for a week. Think about it. Do what you want, go out, have fun, date if you want." I laughed and said "Oh, it's ok if I don't just sit here in the house and be miserable? Thanks!"
I said "The problem is, given our schedules, it is way easier to date other people than date each other." She nodded. I continued "It's a fundamental disadvantage we have with each other. The time we spend together with the kids doesn't seem to mean as much to you as it does to me, so I've been far more interested in getting time together with just us." She said "The time we have with the kids is great, but it's not enough. If we're in love with each other, it'll be even better. We'll each need to make sure we put in the effort to see each other, and arrange for child care." She smiled and said "Just so you know, when I asked you to come bowling with us Saturday, it wasn't just for the kids, I wanted to see you too."
She looked unsure, and said "Can we put all this stuff away for a while?" I said "Sure. At this point, that sounds great."
Gucci, if you're out there, you were exactly right about the dynamics at play in my sitch. All this crap has been destroying her attraction to me, and I don't even blame her. It sucks. It's been killing my attraction to her too! Unfortunately, for good or bad, I knew there was no way I could re-enter my R with her without addressing what happened. Talk about a giant elephant in the room. Funny thing is, she started the R talks way more than I did! Having it hang out there was causing her anxiety, and she tried to address it in a manner that minimized its importance. I needed to call her on that crap and tell her what it meant to me, otherwise it would have festered inside me and came out in all sorts of ugly ways. Maybe she didn't give me quite what I wanted, but I at least feel it's been exposed and addressed. Now the question is whether there's enough left between us to save.
I don't think all is lost. I now need to really adopt the gucci and robx attitude, and take her up on her offer. Get mysterious, be busy, date other women, show her I'm not waiting around for her. Clearly that was what attracted her back before. I know she doesn't want to go through the pain of divorce, and lose the security our M offers her. I know she doesn't want another woman in the kids' lives. I know we can have a ton of fun together. I know there is an undeniable bond between us that will cause her great pain to sever.
Question. When should I play the divorce card? Now? I considered telling her today that if we are going to date other people, then it's silly to still be married, and we need to proceed with the divorce.
