He admitted that I didn't deserve any of the abuse, that that is why he left me- so the kids and I didn't have to endure it anymore. Later, however, he said he left because we just weren't compatible and he was tired of the arguing.
This screams confusion. Screams that he is lost and confused. That though…as hard as it is to accept it…IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM. One of the things many of us struggle with (myself included) is the ability to really detach and accept that our spouse are responsible for the decisions that they make. Just like we are responsible for ours. Allowing someone to be themselves is the greatest gift we really can give them. In time he will understand…in time..if HE is ready he will begin the process of fixing himself.
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He still blames me in a way because he says he has never been that way before and is not that way now that we are not together. (He WAS verbally, emotionally abusive to his first wife, she says, but he was not physical.)
This is GUILT IMO…it tells me that he is still trying to control the sitch..still trying to justify HIS actions. He was wrong to abuse you – PERIOD. No excuse. NONE. He was wrong, when he can accept that is stop blaming YOU for HIS actions then he has started to make progress. In the meantime you need to do what you need to do for you..to heal and grow.
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He said that I just didn't know when to shut up.
BULLSH*T excuse again for HIS actions. You are free to say whatever YOU want – right, wrong or indifferent. It STILL does not give HIM the RIGHT to abuse you. You need to recognize what he is trying to do here. He is trying to make YOU feel bad because of HIS actions. Don’t go for it. Please don’t.
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He immediately followed that by repeating that I still didn't deserve to be abused.
HIS GUILT…It’s eating at him…It’s really bothering him. KNOW Why? Cause deep down inside of him he knows he was wrong. IMO, until he can forgive himself, until he can fix him….he will continue to feel like sh*t. RLAY…please DO NOT (as hard as it is) try to fix him. Try not to make HIM “feel” better. It is not YOUR job. It is NOT healthy.
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H mentioned a few times that he was really depressed. He blames it on not having a job, not having money.
He is still not ready to look inside HIMSELF….He is still running for the REAL problem.
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I did like hearing him say I was a good woman and that I didn't deserve to be treated like that.
This ^^^^^ is where YOU need to do some work. Why do you need HIM to validate that YOU are a good women. You should know it. YOU need to feel it. This will come when you finally begin to realize WHO YOU ARE and WHAT YOU BRING TO the TABLE. It should not be based on what HE, I or anyone else says to you.
It also screams the beginning of the honeymoon period, albeit with a few more twists than I'm sure you're used to seeing.
He's sorry. He's sad. You're wonderful. You didn't deserve it. It's still your fault. But he's sorry.
Repeat. over and over and over again....
Find your strength and your worth, Rlay. I know how hard it is. If you go back you will find yourself worse off than you are right now.
We both know it.
(((hugs)))
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
