So, met with my IC yesterday and talked to my W some more about all of this last night.
My IC is firmly in the camp of any contact (even “passive”) will not allow for us to have a chance to reconnect (which I’ve already communicated to W and know from all of my reading and experience reading this and other “boards”).
In my discussion with W last night, essentially said how disappointed I was in even this “passive” recontact, especially given it was contrary to the agreement we made that she would not have any contact and she would sever all connections (including Facebook).
When I tried to get at WHY she felt the need to have this continued connection, her response was basically “I can’t explain it to you, you won’t understand”; tried to pry anything out of her but it was a no go. (Previously, she had said “I just wanted to know what he’s doing but don’t want to be with him.”)
I also asked her why she was willing to risk everything with us to maintain this “passive” connection (though I still doubt it really was that passive) and she did agree to shut down” the fake email address/FB account (didn’t have a response when I asked why both were made in OM’s last name, except “it was easier than coming up with another fake name”).
Of course, plenty of additional fake names and ways to connect are possible, so thinking it’s time to get a keylogger to track any of this (which I haven’t done yet – any recommendations on the best one for Macs?). In my mind, this is the “final chance” (which I didn’t tell her, but know I need to).
Think the one thing that got through to her was when I said “what if the shoe was on the other foot, and I was the one with an OP – would you have accepted me being in continued contact?” Did also express clearly that any future contact of any kind with OM was a “dealbreaker” for me in us remaining together.
She said the thing she wants most is for me to trust her again, and emphasized that I want that too but things like this happening really damage my ability to do so and “reset” my clock and any goodwill that’s been building up (she fell back on her OCD/ADHD sword, saying “sometimes I can’t control my impulses”, to which I replied, “hence even more reason for there not to be any contact”!) Said I can’t live anymore in a state of distrust (and won’t).
She also asked me “why I love her” (which she’s asked me a few times during all of this), as she has said sometimes that “she doesn’t deserve me” so kinda feeling like she wonders why I’m still here given what she’s put me through (and did tell her the other day that I sometimes wonder whether I’ll ever be “enough” for her). Asked her why she loved me and she only responded with “a lot of reasons”.
Guess my biggest frustration is her not really being able to even explain to me why she did this in the first place (what “needs” it was fulfilling) and how we can best move forward together (but did say she wants to be here with me and figure all of this out). When I asked her what she needed from me, she didn’t really have a response. My IC had recommended bringing up a need to go to MC together, but didn’t bring up last night.
RE: making changes for “me”, am about to start a new rock band, learn how to kayak, and spend a lot more hang time w/ my kids….and detach a bit from her behaviours.
The thing I’d like to start teasing out with her is what we both want in a “new” M (though she hasn’t been able to articulate anything to me). We also have some major house stuff to deal with, as we came home from vacation to a mouse party (yuck)…will get some quality time doing this with her, with the kids out of the house this weekend.
