Your W sounds insecure, uncertain, needy. It is easy to detach from that. I'm sure there are things about her that are attractive to you and those are the parts it is difficult to detach from - but all in all you seem to be doing a good job.
Is she aware of her issues or blind like my H?
He: WAH Me: LBW Precious: DD
~ I'm grateful for every day I have to improve the way I relate.
Actually she's taking our Ds to stay with their grandfather while she ruins all the couple's times for a quiet, relaxing weekend at the lake.
It's amazing to take off the blinders and see how she has to make everything about herself.
Last night, she kept saying "my girls are my #1 priority." I wanted to smack her and say "our girls" and that if they were her #1 priority, she'd at least have put some effort into working on our R. But being the good DB'er, I simply listened and validated, while inside I was just shaking my head at her.
It is rather amazing how self-centered they are. Were they that way in the beginning and we just didn't see it? I think they must have put their best foot forward for awhile and eventually slipped back into their "normal."
He: WAH Me: LBW Precious: DD
~ I'm grateful for every day I have to improve the way I relate.
I think my wife has always been that way. The number one thing she said attracted her to me in the beginning was that I gave her lots of attention. She feels the need to be at the center of everything. And at that time in my life, I wanted to give someone everything, I thought that was how love should be.
I think they must have put their best foot forward for awhile and eventually slipped back into their "normal."
I bet every WAS would say the same thing.
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Were they that way in the beginning and we just didn't see it?
Pinhead just admitted he loves his wife differently than when they were dating/newlyweds.
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It is rather amazing how self-centered they are.
Maybe they are just looking out for their needs. Your WAS is not your enemy, they are another person who is hurt, confused, and searching for answers. They are not doing it the way the LBS wants. Until you can detach and look at your sitch like your are "looking into the fishbowl" and see your M for what it is in reality and the feelings that surround it then you remain stuck.
Blaming your WAS for how they feel doesn't work. Seek to understand how they feel and then the solutions appear. Compassion is what you need to see them.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Blaming your WAS for how they feel doesn't work. Seek to understand how they feel and then the solutions appear. Compassion is what you need to see them.
Here, here
I am personally at a point--just got here--where it is clear to me that I am just happy, and if STBXW is not happy, then she will find her own happiness with or without me, and the details of whether that is with or without me or whatever is irrelevant. Her unhappiness or happiness is her business, and just like I wouldn't want anybody to be unhappy, I don't wish her ill or anything. What will be, will be.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Oh, she's definitely looking out for her needs, just as I am. That's not why she's self centered. She's been that way since our first date.
The fishbowl metaphor is perfect. I can see what she's feeling, how she's acting, and I'm not letting it affect me anymore. I totally sympathize with her as she's drowning with all the consequences of our failed M. But I'm not letting that control me anymore, not letting it affect my feelings or actions.
I still love her, and yes differently than when we first dated and got married. That's natural over 13 years. I'd love for her to accept my love unconditionally, and for me to feel safe to give it to her that way. But she can't, and I can't. That really moves us out of limbo and towards divorce.
I do understand how she feels. She's drowning in fear, in guilt, and doesn't have any skills to cope with those feelings. In the past, I've been her support system, and she's trying hard to figure out the solutions herself. I'm not blaming her for how she feels, I'm just understanding how she's viewing the sitch.
I am personally at a point--just got here--where it is clear to me that I am just happy, and if STBXW is not happy, then she will find her own happiness with or without me, and the details of whether that is with or without me or whatever is irrelevant. Her unhappiness or happiness is her business, and just like I wouldn't want anybody to be unhappy, I don't wish her ill or anything. What will be, will be.
Totally agree. I've had two epiphanies in the last month and a half; the first is that I truly love my wife, warts and all. The second is that my love, my efforts, what I do can't make her happy, that she's responsible for that.
I wish I had known this a long time ago. I might have been able to act differently when things hit rough patches, instead of just withdrawing. But that's the past, and we're both here with who we are now.
Accepting someone is tough. I know I have huge flaws, as does my wife. I love her, and wish that she could accept me for who I am, but she never has. And that's a deal breaker. I can make changes to myself, but I can't become a different person.
And predictably, she left a voicemail for me asking if I would go out to lunch with her. Not sure if she's pursuing, or just trying to make sure her 'safety net' is still in place.
Your W sounds insecure, uncertain, needy. It is easy to detach from that. I'm sure there are things about her that are attractive to you and those are the parts it is difficult to detach from - but all in all you seem to be doing a good job.
Is she aware of her issues or blind like my H?
I think she's totally blind to her issues. And of course, my efforts over the years to illuminate them to her have been woefully underappreciated.
