How do I save my marriage to husband in MLC?

[ericmsant2]

RLay

What I am about to say may hurt sweetie..My intent is not to hurt you but you show you something..

He was depressed and so he was talking to ME-

He was talking to YOU because HE has yet to figure out how to deal with his own issues. So it’s much easier for HIM to RUN to YOU. It is codependency at it best. The question YOU need to ask is …..IS THIS HEALTHY for RLAY? Is this really what RLAY wants and WHY? Is it your lack of self worth that drive you wanting to rescue HIM at the expense of YOU.

the first time in MONTHS that he has treated me as person he can trust and confide in.

Of course he confides in YOU. He is not stupid. He knows you love him. What you need to realize is that NOTHING YOU do will CHANGE HIM.

I was good and mainly kept quiet while he talked

Good – let him talk JUST remember you are not his priest – Open and honest communication is key just make sure that YOU are not allowing YOURSELF to get sucked back into HIS crisis.

I let him ask me questions about my life and I answered, as did he.

Be careful Rlay…with this. The more you are there to “fill the hole in his life” the longer this may take.

He admitted that I didn't deserve any of the abuse, that that is why he left me- so the kids and I didn't have to endure it anymore. Later, however, he said he left because we just weren't compatible and he was tired of the arguing.

This screams confusion. Screams that he is lost and confused. That though…as hard as it is to accept it…IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM. One of the things many of us struggle with (myself included) is the ability to really detach and accept that our spouse are responsible for the decisions that they make. Just like we are responsible for ours. Allowing someone to be themselves is the greatest gift we really can give them. In time he will understand…in time..if HE is ready he will begin the process of fixing himself.

He still blames me in a way because he says he has never been that way before and is not that way now that we are not together. (He WAS verbally, emotionally abusive to his first wife, she says, but he was not physical.)

This is GUILT IMO…it tells me that he is still trying to control the sitch..still trying to justify HIS actions. He was wrong to abuse you – PERIOD. No excuse. NONE. He was wrong, when he can accept that is stop blaming YOU for HIS actions then he has started to make progress. In the meantime you need to do what you need to do for you..to heal and grow.

He said that I just didn't know when to shut up.

BULLSH*T excuse again for HIS actions. You are free to say whatever YOU want – right, wrong or indifferent. It STILL does not give HIM the RIGHT to abuse you. You need to recognize what he is trying to do here. He is trying to make YOU feel bad because of HIS actions. Don’t go for it. Please don’t.

He immediately followed that by repeating that I still didn't deserve to be abused.

HIS GUILT…It’s eating at him…It’s really bothering him. KNOW Why? Cause deep down inside of him he knows he was wrong. IMO, until he can forgive himself, until he can fix him….he will continue to feel like sh*t. RLAY…please DO NOT (as hard as it is) try to fix him. Try not to make HIM “feel” better. It is not YOUR job. It is NOT healthy.

H mentioned a few times that he was really depressed. He blames it on not having a job, not having money.

He is still not ready to look inside HIMSELF….He is still running for the REAL problem.

I did like hearing him say I was a good woman and that I didn't deserve to be treated like that.

This ^^^^^ is where YOU need to do some work. Why do you need HIM to validate that YOU are a good women. You should know it. YOU need to feel it. This will come when you finally begin to realize WHO YOU ARE and WHAT YOU BRING TO the TABLE. It should not be based on what HE, I or anyone else says to you.

I still wish he would realize that I was a good woman/wife and he really could be in love with me again and WANT me back.

I would be tempted to say that HE does want you back. BUT he wants the old you back, the one that he can control, the one that will “make it all better for him”. So let me ask you this RLAY….do you really want to be the “fixer” all the time? Is this a role that YOU think that you need to maintain for the rest of your life? Is this really healthy for Rlay? Will this really make RLAY happy?

There is something I realized today. I have been speaking up for myself more lately

Now this put a smile on my face. This is good Rlay…very good..slowly sweetie….ROME was not built in a day.

re: speaking up for yourself…..”I don't do that when it comes to my H”

NOT YET….Will come a time though when you do…when you do so in Love. When you do so from a place of peace. Keep working RLay and you will get to where you want to be. It really is in you…it really is….I know it and many on these boards do…we can see it. KNOW how we can see it? Because of this…

When I was younger (pre-H), speaking up for myself and expecting respect came naturally.

And the reason you lost this ^^^^ was because…

Over the course of my M, I definately fell flat into the doormat position and barely ever spoke up to anyone.

Yep…you did not speak to anyone because you were spending all of your energy trying to FIX your H. Trying to deal with HIS issues. Now that you know this what are you going to do?

Confidence is not a full-fledged personality trait of mine yet, but it is getting better

Yet is the key word. Yipee that it is getting better. You can do this girl – you can.

I don't have a whole lot of "free" time. I love to dance. I love to write (journal, poetry). I love to read.

I know the feeling…know what…YOU NEED TO MAKE SOME FREE Time for RLAY. It needs to become a priority for YOU. YOU can only do so much.

Please read Grit’s post…read it and let it set in sweetie.

As Punkin said…

Let yourself be your top priority for once.

This ^^^^ you need to do for Rlay, you need to do for your boys AND you need to do this for your H.

Rlay, you are doing better than you think. Take some time a re-read your thread. Let some of these things that EVERYONE is telling you sink in and then….

Then let's get to gettin'

Your not alone Rlay…not alone…

God Bless,
Eric