Wow, guys. Wow. I don't even know where to start. So, at the beginning I guess. Friday I decided to tell my H that I couldn't go on this way and ask him what he wanted to do about it. I needed to have things change, I just couldn't keep obsessing, crying, hoping, talking, etc about all of it. My friends and family were wanting the old me back and I was just tired. I was stuck and the GAL thing wasn't happening. So, I just let go..I was ready to accept his answer to be done and move on. When i said that to him on friday night, he said what I thought he would say..ya, this isn't working for me either, i'm not happy, we need to go our separate ways. I said ok, we'll sit down and divide things up on paper in the morning over coffee and be done then. Then I went to my room and read. Saturday morning, we did just that. I was crying cuz it was sad, but stuck it out. Then Saturday night we had a glass of wine and talked. I asked him why he never tried. I just wanted to know. We ended up talking for 2 hours and at the end he surprised me by saying,"What kinds of things did you want me to do to "try"" and then.."Well, why don't you let me think about all this over night". I honestly wasn't sure what to say.
Sunday we went to lunch, I wrote down some ideas about what I needed to show me that he was trying. I gave it to him and asked that we make a decision that day. Just before bedtime, he asked me if I wanted to talk about it, and I said yes. He told me that he thought he could do some of the things I suggested and he wanted to try. Believe me when I say that no one was more surprised than me. I thought it was over.
Since Sunday, much has changed. His eyes sparkle, he laughs, he has been attentive, nice, a little kiss goodbye or goodnight, texts, little notes at the house, phone calls. Wow.
The best thing that happened tho, was that I woke up this morning and I had this incredible feeling of calm. The fear is gone. By letting go, I faced my own fears for the future and met it head on. I have never felt so good about myself, about us, about life. It's the weirdest thing..I have been sitting here trying to figure out what happened, analyze it to death like I always do..but sometimes there is no reason why..it just is. I know whatever happens, I will be ok. And feel without a doubt that our marriage is going to survive and be what I've been saying it could be all along. I have never felt so connected to him before. I tried to figure out if it's been all the heart to heart talks we've had, this whole ordeal we've been thru for the past 3 years, a change in him or me..I finally decided to just stop trying to figure out why and just enjoy this feeling.
And no matter what happens, I KNOW I will be ok. It is such a liberating thing. I questioned whether he was just pretending to try so that he could talk to a lawyer and get his ducks in a row, or for financial reasons--(didn't want to let go of all he worked for), or because he didn't have anywhere to go..and I struggled with that for 2 days. But for whatever reason, I don't care anymore. If he is staying for any of those reasons, and not really because he wants to work it out, it doesn't matter. I know I am going to be ok..and I KNOW we are going to be ok..whatever that means.
I haven't felt this good for 3 long years. I didn't know how miserable I really was. People are going to be skeptical about his 180 turnaround, and it really hasn't been a total 180 since this past month and a half he has been slowly getting closer to me..but like I said..it doesn't matter what happens anymore. I know in my heart that I will be ok and that is all I needed to know.
Taylor, Be careful. I know my wife is in MLC. She has done similar to what you have said as recent as 1 month ago. We had sex. Knew this might just be peeking through the tunnel, touch and go, whatever you want to call it. Just be prepared for a withdrawl back into the tunnel. This kind of thing has happened to me about 5 times in the last two months. From what I have read, if they are starting to face some of those fears, they go in and out a lot. Doc said this too. Going through it right now as a fact. Remember, zero expectations. Ride the wave a little but be prepared for the wipeout. If no wipeout, then no biggie. I have had wipeouts everytime. The frequency of waves seem to increase but the wipeouts are pretty devastating. I think they get more and more devastating to me because each one happens with a little more strength behind them. I could be wrong but this is what I have seen.
We ended up talking for 2 hours and at the end he surprised me by saying,"What kinds of things did you want me to do to "try"" and then.."Well, why don't you let me think about all this over night". I honestly wasn't sure what to say.
Sunday we went to lunch, I wrote down some ideas about what I needed to show me that he was trying. I gave it to him and asked that we make a decision that day. Just before bedtime, he asked me if I wanted to talk about it, and I said yes. He told me that he thought he could do some of the things I suggested and he wanted to try. Believe me when I say that no one was more surprised than me. I thought it was over.
So, what things did you tell him you would need, LT? What were your Boundaries of Personal Integrity -- your "dealbreakers" this time, having learned the hard, painful way from his past behaviors?
