The first thing you have to realize is that you can not fix this for your W. She has to face her internal issues and deal with them on their own. You did not break her, and you can't fix her.
What you can work on is yourself. Figure out what your part in the marriage was that got you to this point.
As far as R talks go do not initiate them. If your W does, validate what she has to say. This does not mean that you have to agree with her, it means that you agree that she has a right to how she feels. The reason you do not bring them up is that it produces guilt and pressure in the MLCer and that pushes them further away. You want to be the safe place.
Do not defend yourself during spew sessions. It just inflames and escalates the rant from the MLCer further. If you find that something stings in the spew, those are things you might want to look at and work on in yourself.
Working on you is for you. It's not a trick to bring your MLCer back. They can see right through a change that isn't permanent. Do not tell them that you've changed. The best you can do is live that change consistently, they will notice.
Radio, this journey that your wife is on will not end quickly. It takes a long time to travel through the tunnel. You can not make it go quicker, but by pressuring her, or trying to fix her can make it take longer.
At some point you may look at this as a gift. It's time you get to work on yourself, find you again, be the best you possible.
A lot of the advice you are given is counter intuitive to what you think would work. It has been proven time and time again that what we think we should do drives our MLCer further away, faster. They are looking for anything to justify why they're doing what they're doing. Making them feel guilty and pressuring them feeds that justification in their minds.
Patience is something you will have to have in spades. It's the one thing the LBS has to learn to have to see themselves through the journey of their spouse and themselves.
Keep reading and learning. The more you understand what it is that your W is going through, the easier it is to detach and keep yourself from being caught up in her drama.
