Ya I am thinking she is going to test me by being a little mysterious herself. She just got home, kind of upbeat as am I, told her I was going to meet up with my buddy, to talk to him about his wedding and relationship stuff. She made the comment of "are either one of us the best person to talk to about that?" I chuckled and said I was thinking the same thing and that I would wing it!
So I told her the truth, she was more concerned about where we were going than anything else. I told her I didnt know, I was just going to call him on my way and he can pick a place. So I will be gone for a few hours, and she can get a little more space and time to herself and the kids.
The reason I think she will be a little dark coincides with her comment about me fighting for her, this is where I get stumped. I think what I am doing is keeping fires contained, but by me fighting is she expecting me to give chase? or do I keep going like this and let her give chase? Dont know why I ask, I already know the answer.
We had a nice talk about my day, not IC talk just business stuff. I will check in later.
Peace
She wants you to chase to boost her ego because then she can continue doing what she's doing and continue to reject you. However if you don't chase her, you don't pursue her, it throws her off. Proof of this? She already mentioned the comment to you about "not fighting for her", she's expecting it. Not because it would bring her close to you but because it would satisfy her ego, make her feel good about herself that her husband is begging, pleading, chasing, pursuing her - why would any of that be attractive to her, why would she want a man like that? How many examples of men on these forums do you need to go through before you finally conclude that it just doesn't work to chase a wayward spouse. So what do you do then? You don't chase. She wants to go, you let her go. It was like a lasso around her, she was running away and you were holding the other end keeping her in place, she wanted her freedom so badly but guess what happened when you let go of the rope, she only ran a few steps away and said "Huh?! WTF?!" this isn't how it works, he has to keep chasing me and I have to keep running away. He's not chasing me, I have nothing to run from. Truth be told, her texting you constantly, complaining, arguing, nagging, bringing up the past, etc. shows she's still emotionally involved to some extent with you. Asking why you're not "fighting for her" is another sign. So you don't chase her, she doesn't run away, someone has to occupy that space in the middle between the two of you and if it isn't you, guess who it will probably be? Clue to this answer: there is only 2 of you in this equation, you & your wife.
You're response to her about being "the best person to talk to about getting married", was excellent, it's great to show your sense of humor is still intact, I would have said something like "I'm going to yell at him, don't do it, run away, run away you fool!!!! LOL!"
What you're doing is learning how not to get sucked into an argument, showing you're strong, emotionally stable, cool, calm, confident and able to carry on with your life and not go crawling into a dark corner, lying in a fetal position, sucking your thumb and crying to yourself repeating "I don't know how my life will go on now, I can't handle this, someone take away my pain" and a million other varations of this well known theme.
Yes you definitely let her chase. It's the only way it works. When she chases and pursues you, those are signs that her feelings are aligned to wanting you. She wants to pursue the man she's attracted to.
She doesn't want to be chased by someone with low self-esteem, a guy with no options when it comes to other women that he has to settle just for wanting her, what would be in it for her with this option, what woman would want this (maybe a woman with no options herself)?
Yes you do know the answer, stay on the path, you're doing fine. Let her chase you, regardless of what she says. You've no doubt noticed over the years that what she says may not always be congruent with how she's feeling, this is no different.
You are a cvery good writer, has anyone ever told you that? Before I left S and I were talking about this weekend. I asked the W if she thought the remake of Clash of the Titans would be too much for S? she said why dont you take him to see Toy story #? I said good idea, then she said why dont we all go? Huh, what, did she suggest something as a family? I said sounds like a plan maybe this or next weekend. So that was a good sign.
I came home she asked how the talk went, talked to her about the whole conversation, It makes her feel good that I include her in what is going on, so I did. Before I would have just said it was a good get together and left it at that. She is opening up a little more, and I am being psoitive and busy.
She is watcing Frasier, I am going to say goodnight and go read.
BTW I basically told my business partners to F off today, and I am going out on my own with my contracting skills. It will be an interesting twist to our financial situation but I am going to give it all I got, I am in the frame of mind with all you people helping me so I feel confident and fearless right now, need to take advantage.
You older peeps remember the threes company episode when Jack and Mr. Fulrey go to the therapist to gain strength and roar like the king of the jungle? I feel a little like that right now, but I wont let it go to my head too much, there is still a lot of work to do.
In bed, as I walked past the W and said goodnight she actually looked at me vs, eyes straight forward at the tv. Baby steps she looked at me and said goodnight, baby progress.
Like I said before, keep up the good work, you take direction/advice very well and seem to be pretty intuitive about this stuff, always remember do what works, stop doing what doesn't work.
Quote:
Yes you definitely let her chase. It's the only way it works. When she chases and pursues you, those are signs that her feelings are aligned to wanting you. She wants to pursue the man she's attracted to.
You were discussing a movie that you wanted to bring your son to with her, she suggests another movie and then turns it into a family outing, so that you guys could all go together.
In her frame of mind a few weeks ago, I'm pretty sure something like this would have been nearly impossible for you to ask her to join you and your son, now she's offering to come and picking the movie too.
Yes this is all baby steps.
But here's the thing about this stuff, a lot of times, slow is fast and fast is slow. If you were to nag her, pressure her, beg/plead with her and give her 1001 reasons to stay married, you would be pushing her away. So you take it slow, learn how to stop arguments, learn how to agree, get on the good side of her feelings, learn to stop defending yourself and your ego because it's not worth it just to win an argument and what happens, she's sprinkles in some adult conversation with you every now & then, gives you a break from arguing everyday, gives you a backrub and vice versa one night, now comes up with the plan for all of you to see a movie together as a family.
I would say your progress is very good so far. Keep up the great attitude, remain confident, happy, continue being awesome for yourself and as a father, don't let them ever get you down.
Now I will give you this reminder, this happens often enough so it's worth mentioning, you will get lulled into being comfortable and relaxed with no fighting and then from out of nowhere, you will get attacked on an issue or several issues, some of which could be several weeks/months old.
Women testing men.
So now you're warned, you know it could happen anytime. She will test you to see if you get lazy in your ways when things are good, it's easy to be peaceful, happy and civil during good times, let's see if you can continue this great progress when she throws you a few curveballs.
Attitude is everything, keep maintaining this great attitude.
It is easy when things are calm. I know Im not out of the "woods". I will not get lazy and keep on the path. As I said I am walking the path, which gives me leverage to be prepared for the obstacles in my path. If I were driving the porsche I would run them over or never see the warning signs before the crash.
W was nice to me this AM and asked me to help her with a few things. I was in the kitchen and I got a feeling she was looking at me, I tunred around looked at her and gave her a little smile, she then looked away with a shy look like we first met.
Cant try to read her mind it will drive me nutz.
I did not mention the other night when we had our talk, after I told her she was free to "go", I did say I am conducting myself as if you are leaving, letting go in a sense. So I basically let her know what I was doing, not really the basics of the techniques but that I was not going to try and talk her out of it. Dont know if that had the effect or not, but I think she got the hint.
I wish everyone in their respective situations on these forums would do the same thing, stop trying to read someone's mind, it doesn't work... ever.
I'm glad to hear your wife is being nice to you, I won't say it's entirely because of how you're handling yourself lately but I think you are having a noticeable impact on your wife. This is the same woman who wanted you out of the house over a week ago.
Yup the idea is to let them go, if they want out so badly, show them the door and open it for them, she's been fighting so hard for freedom from her marriage that now when you stop resisting her wishes and actually tell her that you're ok with it and literally show her the door, she has nothing to fight against anymore. The door is literally wide open, she could go anytime and yet... she still chooses to stay for the moment because freedom apparently doesn't feel the way it was expected to feel when she originally wanted to separate from you.
Being nice to you, asking you to help her with things, looking at you, etc. Slowly moving in your direction because you aren't chasing her (which is why guys should never pursue their WAW's), you are giving her a chance to move in the direction that she feels she can move in and you aren't rushing her and at the same time, you're working hard, remaining busy, GAL'ing, taking care of your family and taking care of you and letting go of the need to defend yourself in arguments where there are no winners, defusing every fight coming your way, and all the while maintaining a great attitude of being awesome and happy, not wasting your time on crying, begging, pleading, chasing, gift buying, hoop jumping and any other wussy man crap technique that just plain does not work.
Will probably post later with any updates, other than that just doing what works. Have you read some of Pinheads posts? he seems to be doing well with his sitch, he writes some funny sh!t.
w's FB post "feeling like the ball in the pinball machine" well thats what your head is doing to ya, enjoy the mess you have created in your head.....they bring it on themselves....
Yes, pinhead is awesome, I'm a charter member of the "pinhead" club, read the first few pages of his thread and you will see, Coach coined our cheer
"Pinheads UNITE!!!"
LOL!
As for the wife's fb post, remember what I said before, what she says may not necessarily be congruent with how she feels or maybe it describes her accurately, her feelings are all over the place, women much more than men are emotional creatures, it's not uncommon to feel all over the place.
Again that's her posting to the world, looking for her friends to cheer her up, hit the "like" button on her post, etc.
No big deal as far as you're concerned, business as usual.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
