How do I save my marriage to husband in MLC?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Hopefully for a smile on your face:

But does he love her more than he has ever loved a MAN? huh...you know what I'm saying...

[libbyasking]

Rlay

Your H is justifying why he walked out on you and nothing more. If he said he loved you he wouldn't be able to leave. He has to make his life with you worse than OW otherwise no point in leaving.

At the moment OW will be giving him something he feels he is missing from his life. She is only a symptom and you should treat her like that. Don't even think about her as this gives her power and she's not worth it.

Stand back and let the relationship run its course into a brick wall and it will. But your H needs time and space to move ahead in the tunnel.

I agree with Jack. Block his text until he can remember not to send the 'accidental' texts to you. I personally think he is trying to get you to react which again justifies him leaving you. All part of the aliens game.

[ericmsant2]

Rlay

I sorry Rlay.

Are you pissed yet? How much more of this can you take?

You need to figure out a way to distance yourself from your H for a while so that you can get some emotional strength back. Come up with a schedule on when he can see the kids and then see if a friend can be there when he picks them up.

You may "feel" all alone and scared right now. It's okay. Many of us understand. Your not alone Rlay. Not alone.

So tell me what your days are like. Do you work? How often do you speak with your support group? Tell me a little bit more about what the 22 year old RLay was like. If money was no object where would you want to go on vacation? What is your biggest dream? What would you do if you hit lotto? Tell us Rlay....tell about YOU.

God Bless
Eric

[RLay1100]

Hopefully for a smile on your face:

But does he love her more than he has ever loved a MAN? huh...you know what I'm saying...

LOL...that did make me LOL, Jack. ;-)

[RLay1100]

My H and I talked on the phone tonight for about 30-45 minutes. He was depressed and so he was talking to ME- the first time in MONTHS that he has treated me as person he can trust and confide in. I really appreciated that. I was good and mainly kept quiet while he talked. (He seemed to NEED to get some things off his chest).

I was nice. I let him ask me questions about my life and I answered, as did he. (Of course I didn't ask about OP or anything, but he did and I just answered honestly.) Although we were not even discussing R, he suddenly began talking about how he knows what a wonderful woman I am and how he tells everyone that (a lie, I know). He admitted that I didn't deserve any of the abuse, that that is why he left me- so the kids and I didn't have to endure it anymore. Later, however, he said he left because we just weren't compatible and he was tired of the arguing.

He still blames me in a way because he says he has never been that way before and is not that way now that we are not together. (He WAS verbally, emotionally abusive to his first wife, she says, but he was not physical.) He said that I just didn't know when to shut up. I didn't try to defend myself because I knew it wouldn't help. He immediately followed that by repeating that I still didn't deserve to be abused.

I did thank him for saying that. I complimented him in return, and he did the same. He asked me about the boys and we talked about them.

H mentioned a few times that he was really depressed. He blames it on not having a job, not having money. I know there is more to it, but, of course I didn't say anything.

So...I am actually not feeling any different after the talk with H. I am not more depressed OR feeling better about things. I did like hearing him say I was a good woman and that I didn't deserve to be treated like that. But...I don't know if he REALLY feels that way. To be honest, I STILL have a hard time believing that myself, so it's hard to believe he would think that. Maybe it's due to low self-esteem...I don't know.

I still wish he would realize that I was a good woman/wife and he really could be in love with me again and WANT me back. I know I shouldn't want to go back right now, but I do want him to want me back.

[RLay1100]

Eric,

There is something I realized today. I have been speaking up for myself more lately. I don't do that when it comes to my H, but I do in other situations (work, family).
When I was younger (pre-H), speaking up for myself and expecting respect came naturally. Over the course of my M, I definately fell flat into the doormat position and barely ever spoke up to anyone.
Confidence is not a full-fledged personality trait of mine yet, but it is getting better. (High five? lol)


My days are mainly spent at work. I work 10-12 hour days (first shift), 5-6 days a week. I work in a HOT factory that makes car parts (itchy fiberglass...ugh).

A typical day for me is:
Wake up at 6 a.m. and get ready for work. I kiss the boys (still sleeping) goodbye and leave them with my sister or my mother.
I get off work at 5 (sometimes 7). I go straight home and spend some time with the boys as we cook dinner. After dinner, we go to the gym around 8:30 and work out until 9:45.
Bedtime is 11:30 or there abouts. (I MUST catch the local news broadcast, and I like to fall asleep watching David Letterman. lol)

My support group meets every Wednesday for an hour to an hour-and-a-half. They mainly discuss with me how I NEED to get angry...I SHOULD be angry...STOP defending him...

I don't have a whole lot of "free" time. I love to dance. I love to write (journal, poetry). I love to read. I actually wrote a LOT when I was in my M, but I have only been able to write here in the last few months.

[dl443322]

Sweetie, who cares if he thinks you are a good woman and didnt deserve to be treated like that?

The question is, do you?

That's where you need to be.

You are giving him way too much power, way too much head space.

Come on, R. Do you really think you deserved to be abused? Really and truly?

When I first went to my C, she said, B, you have become really small. That pissed me off. It made me sad to think of what I had become.

And slowly, over time, I grew. But it took work, it took time. And mostly it took me believing that I can become the person I was meant to be.

So, stop giving him so much power. Take it back. Show your sons how a woman should be treated. Be their beacon. Find yourself, R. Find YOURSELF!

[Truegritter]

I did like hearing him say I was a good woman and that I didn't deserve to be treated like that. But...I don't know if he REALLY feels that way. To be honest, I STILL have a hard time believing that myself, so it's hard to believe he would think that. Maybe it's due to low self-esteem...I don't know.

This is the problem Rlay. As Brook said.

Your self image is tied directly to him and what he says, does, and thinks about you.

Listen your M is a pattern of co-dependency.

H gets depressed, looks to you to make him feel better, you like being needed so you fill that role, H abuses you (emotionally and physically), H feels depressed confused, scared he will lose his drug (you), you comfort him because you like to feel needed and approved of by him, H abuses you, gets depressed, you comfort him, you fell needed

H abuses you
H gets depressed
H gets scared he will lose you
YOU feel needed
You stay

H abuses you
H gets depressed
H gets scared he will lose you
YOU feel needed
You stay

H abuses you
H gets depressed
H gets scared he will lose you
YOU feel needed
You stay

H abuses you
H gets depressed
H gets scared he will lose you
YOU feel needed
You stay

H abuses you
H gets depressed
H gets scared he will lose you
YOU feel needed
You stay

Had enough of yet?

Rlay you have to start to accept that your M was not a healthy M. And it needs to die.

I am not saying end the M.

I am saying IF there is going to be a new one you have to end the old one.

If you have not read the detachment link at livestrong do it and do it and do it till you get it.

Join Al Anon if you feel it will help. That group is for people who have addicts in their life and it is about breaking that pattern.

It is not good for either person. It is not healthy.

Do everything you need to do to detach. No contact if you need to (I would suggest maybe this is necessary).

This is going to be tougher for you because the urge to contact will be stronger because of your dependency on him.

Do you understand what I am saying?

Do you recognize the dynaminc of your R with H?

And listen to me here cause this is the most important thing....




DO YOU WANT TO CHANGE IT?

Then let's get to gettin' (nickel Brooklyn)

[punkin]

True speaks the truth! I've been caught in that cycle before, and it is vicious. Al-Anon may be an option, but I was lucky enough to have a close circle of friends that helped more, once I broke down and admitted to what what going on.

Let yourself be your top priority for once. As hard as that may sound, and even harder to do.

[Grace_O]

You mentioned that confidence isn't a powerful personality trait with you. How do you think you could make it one?

Also, you said something about low self-esteem. These two things really go hand in hand and it's all about what you do.

Would any of the things you like to do help you? If not, what would?

HUGS