Looking for help with WAW

[Coach]

Yes, it's a personal decision for everyone. I know why my W left. I know what I need to do for my sitch and it's not dating. I can completely understand Gucci's advice about dating though, but again, it's just not for me. I do like Gucci's other advice to me.

I understand about the dating it doesn't mean you can't be mysterious and interact with women. Get on FB and start making friends with some women - DB friends, old HS/college friends, co-workers etc. Go out with your friends to bars, listen to music, festivals. The word will get back to your wife that you are a busy man. You don't have to cross any of your beliefs or values to accomplish the same thing.

[WalkingMan]

It's not about dating, it's about being mysterious and keeping her guess. If asked, be vague.

Don't make things easy for her. Make things easy for you.

[Steve McQueen]

How do I get my W to get those feelings back for me?

we need to get morris albert to comment on this thread.


the real question we should be asking is where do we find you some self-confidence and a bit of self-respect.
it's been two years, and you are still disappointed you missed an opportunity to listen and validate?
Hasn't this gotten old by now? its no longer a matter of listening and validating.
Its a matter of thinking about yourself and the rest of your life.

If no one else is nice enough to tell you this, I will.

For some people the feelings DON'T come back. NEVER.


Where are we MZA? in MAMBY PAMBY LAND! 9 months of built up emotions ???????????????????????????????? My god man! Your really need to stop this. Do your really think...nevermind...I dont even want to know what you are thinking when you act this way. Its just not right.

Rob and Gucci have some great advice and their speeches say alot but what type of reaction are you trying to get out of her? You say, "Woman I have self respect, I dont want you treating me like this any more, I am done with you." And what? She looks at you and says, "When, Mza when? I got over you years ago"

My advice:
Start talking to someone else! have a 90 minute conversation with someone who is interested in you.

[mza8]

I called her today but got her voice mail. I left her a message pretty much word for word with what Robx suggested...signing the agreement, not doing it to get her back, not arguing anymore, me acting like an adult, me being there if she ever wanted to talk, telling her I didn't want her to go to counseling if she didn't want to and I would be ok either way, etc. It felt good. It felt good to finally stand-up, be a man and do the right thing for my W.

It shouldn't have taken me this long to do it but at least I finally got there. Sometimes I think too much before I finally act. If nothing else I hope it makes her feel less stressed about the house. It's the least I can do.

It was a bit strange after I left the message. I felt like this is exactly the kind of thing I should have done long ago...doing what is right for my W instead of just what I wanted. It was weird to tell her for the first time that I would be ok no matter what happens to us. Maybe my first step in letting her go, I don't know. Yeah, maybe it is too late now. I had a wonderful woman and through my mistakes I lost her. I told her that I wish her the best and for her happiness.

I did find it odd that I hadn't heard from her since our emails on Sunday. I know she said she was worried about the house but she never got back to me. Oh well, no matter. I feel like I finally did the right thing today. Today was a good day. Felt like a weight had been lifted off of my chest. Made me feel so good to leave the message for my W knowing it hopefully helps HER.

[Steve McQueen]

now ask some girl on a date. it will do you a world of good.

[robx]

I called her today but got her voice mail. I left her a message pretty much word for word with what Robx suggested...signing the agreement, not doing it to get her back, not arguing anymore, me acting like an adult, me being there if she ever wanted to talk, telling her I didn't want her to go to counseling if she didn't want to and I would be ok either way, etc. It felt good. It felt good to finally stand-up, be a man and do the right thing for my W.

It shouldn't have taken me this long to do it but at least I finally got there. Sometimes I think too much before I finally act. If nothing else I hope it makes her feel less stressed about the house. It's the least I can do.

It was a bit strange after I left the message. I felt like this is exactly the kind of thing I should have done long ago...doing what is right for my W instead of just what I wanted. It was weird to tell her for the first time that I would be ok no matter what happens to us. Maybe my first step in letting her go, I don't know. Yeah, maybe it is too late now. I had a wonderful woman and through my mistakes I lost her. I told her that I wish her the best and for her happiness.

I did find it odd that I hadn't heard from her since our emails on Sunday. I know she said she was worried about the house but she never got back to me. Oh well, no matter. I feel like I finally did the right thing today. Today was a good day. Felt like a weight had been lifted off of my chest. Made me feel so good to leave the message for my W knowing it hopefully helps HER.

Well leaving a message and reading that script wasn't some magic formula, it's basically you recognizing you're stalling things, which isn't a great idea in your situation and learning to let her go.

It's not just a script though,
you have to let her go, assume things are over, detach, move on with your life and prepare for the changes coming.
I know some people on these forums are looking for some magical thing to do which is going to turn that "ON" switch for their spouse and get them back to wanting to be married again.

There are no quick kills on the to do list.

You said dating isn't an option.

That's cool, I can respect a person that can actually say "NO" to something they don't want to do, at least that's honest. However, looking back on your situation, we don't want you to feel that you didn't do everything you could do.

Gucci has given you really good advice on your thread,
run with it, do the right thing, not something you "feel" you should do, just do what's right. If dating other women isn't your thing, guess what, you'll never know if it could have worked or not.

Maybe give yourself some time to process selling the home and moving on with your life. No more emotional breakdowns, "melty man" episodes, 3 dozen rose deliveries, gifts, etc.

Time for you take a break from your wife for you.

She's all you think about, I can hear that in every post you put up on your thread. Just take a break from her, maybe from this site for a few days and do something just for you. Don't worry about checking your email, responding to voicemails or texts, just take a break.

[robx]

...the real question we should be asking is where do we find you some self-confidence and a bit of self-respect.

yup, I think this requires top priority in your life MZ8

[mza8]

Thanks everyone for the replies. I read them all and want to take the time to respond and will do so tomorrow. I am just exhausted tonight but I at least wanted to pop in and say thanks.

Quick fyi, still haven't heard from W. How worried about the house can she be? Maybe she doesn't know what to say from my message today. Huh, too much thinking tonight. Rob is right. I need a break.

Steve, I did get a laugh with your mamby pamby comment. I like that commercial. Yeah, I might have been the guy in that chair on occasion.

Have a good night everyone.

[mza8]

W emailed me this morning. Said, "Thank you mza8 for your kind message last night on the phone". She then said she is working on getting the paperwork (agreement) finalized for me listing the house. She said the previous version she had drafted was more inclusive and she needed to have it changed. Said she would be in touch in the next day or so and we can figure out our plan. She signed it Thank you, W. I'm guessing she had things in the original agreement that she has decided to remove now.

I sent her a quick email reply letting her know some information about bank that she needed to know. I told her whenever she has the paperwork finished is fine. That was it.

Rob, yes, for me dating isn't an option. She's not dating so I don't want to either. That's just it, saying to do the right thing. Well, for me this is the right thing. I'm not sure I would want my possible dating to be the "thing" that would bring her back. Why should it have to come to that? I don't know, just my thoughts. Yes, maybe this means I wouldn't have tried everything. I understand what you and Gucci are saying though.

I agree with you that right now I need to take a break from thinking about this. I have been out GAL, hanging with friends, exercising, working on the house, etc. I'm going to watch a the MLS game tonight with a bunch of friends tonight at a bar where a friend of mine works. Having lunch tomorrow with another buddy of mine. Refereeing soccer games this weekend again. Playing soccer 5 times per week. Hanging out with friends again this weekend, church, gym, etc. I'm definitely doing things but I do need to stop focusing so much on my W right now.


You're right again Rob that my W has been all I've been able to think about. Maybe my message to her yesterday was a good thing for both of us. She didn't mention anything in her email today about counseling even though she told me last week she would go...for closure I'm sure, which I told her I was ok with. Perhaps she doesn't really want to go as much as she said. Anyway, I won't mention it to her again. I told her yesterday it was her choice and I would be fine either way.

Ok, I'm going to try to have some fun with friends this week and not think about W. Here goes...

[mza8]

I understand about the dating it doesn't mean you can't be mysterious and interact with women. Get on FB and start making friends with some women - DB friends, old HS/college friends, co-workers etc. Go out with your friends to bars, listen to music, festivals. The word will get back to your wife that you are a busy man. You don't have to cross any of your beliefs or values to accomplish the same thing.

Coach, yes, I like this. I can live with this. Not sure who else here is on FB?

Hope Greek and you are well. Greek has been very helpful. I need to thank her.