I have to say I handled myself better than usual last night. H was suppose to stay overnight. We went to a movie (Love Actually-GREAT!!) and then came home and lit a fire and watched TV. H did not initiate sex, but I suppose he would have after we went to bed,but our S called and said he was coming home instead of spending the night at his friends. Now he is not fond of the idea of his Dad satying here. He loves his Dad alot and does not want to hurt him, but when he got home he had almost nothing to say,and acted pissy. He just went to bed. My H said he could not stay and make things worse for him. I disagreed and said the reason he is that way is because he does not trust that you are not seeing the OW still and your not acting commited by not staying with us. It would prove to him that you really want to be with us and he would get used to it fast. I was upset H left but talked on the phone to him about it without really arguing-just stating my point. This morning S asked where his Dad was I told him he left because he did not think he wanted him here. I guess he called his Dad and asked him why he left-when I asked him what he said he told me that his Dad said he thought about staying. No more info. We were at our D's all day so no chance to talk. I'll ask him later tonight when we talk what all was said. I told him he should talk to our S and let him know that he is NOT seeing the OW at all. He hates those kind of conversations, and I don't want to seem controlling, so I'll butt out. When H left he gave me a really good kiss, but did not say ILY. Most of the time he says it when we part. I did tell him I hate it when he leaves,and asked if someday he'll be staying. (Iknow, I know!) He said yes. Talk is cheap. We'll see what happens. I do think he'd stay alot if it weren't for our S, but that's his problem to work out. I am going through a very insecure time right now and don't like it. I'm not in the Xmas mood AT ALL. I'm not putting up a tree (first time ever) because S says he doesn't care, we're never home anyway. We are always at our D's house 4 doors down. She has said they are staying home this year and wants us to come down there in the morning. Also a first. Everyone has always been here Xmas eve and morning. I don't know if our oldest S will be coming home from Colorado (that will be a first too). Everything is changing so fast. When did my kids grow up? It seems one day they were here and then they weren't. Our youngest S is a senior this year. He'll be off to college probably next year. I can't imagine being alone in this big house. I guess the holidays are the time to either feel wonderful, or feel like crap. I try to hide it, but it's all really getting to me. Sorry this is a downer post-it's just the way I feel right now. Maybe tomorrow will be better. H and I are going Xmas shopping-I have not even started yet. D and I are making cookies this week. Hopefully that will help too. I just never thought our lives would be like this-ever. Rachael
