Cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it

[ImprovedRomeo]

Hey Sol, thanks...glad someone laughs at my corny jokes!

NM, you're right. She's younger and needy and I don't mean it in a bad way. It's understandable because she just got divorced (actually the paperwork just started) and most people are not fortunate enough to find a site like this to heal, learn about themselves first and then get out (holy crap, I sound like a wise old fart now! ).

She's not aggressive in person, very sweet and soft spoken so I don't fear any slashed tires or flying saucers. However, because she's a neighbor that could be a problem you know. So I'll have to drop a hint or two next time I see her like you suggested 'I need more time before I start dating' and 'hey what about that xyz guy, you two will probably make a good couple?' I don't know.

Yes on the occasional hello text (has to be unexpected to kinda make him smile). sex and sandwich, I kinda agree with that. But for me I want someone that cares, who seems concerned when something happens to me, who offers to help by calling and making a doc appointment for me even when I claim I'm OK after losing a quart of blood by slicing my finger open with a powertool.

Have you guys read '5 love languages'? take the quiz even if you don't read the book. My love languages are:

Physical Touch
Quality Time
Acts of Service
Words of Affirmation
Receiving Gifts

STBXW was the EXACT opposite (read bottom up for her).

By sandwich I think he just meant 'nothing grand' as in "I can survive on a sandwich alone if I have to but sex is most important".

All those things you listed about attention, protector, pampering- I did all those. In the begining we appreciated eachother a lot but slowly things changed and even when I tried to be nice she kinda gave me the cold shoulder. I complimented her a lot to the point she used to roll her eyes and said 'even if I wore a burlap sack you'd say I look hot' - the truth was I did think she was hot- to me and the older she got the hotter she looked.

But life happens...

[newmama]

Romeo--some people sabotage their relationships because they can't accept proper and loving treatment....and if affection was last on her list, then I wonder about her ability to establish and maintain emotional intimacy.


My LL's are:
conversation
affection
words of affirmation
quality time
receiving gifts

stbxh's:
affection
quality time
words of affirmation
recieving gifts
conversation

yikes...so when we are ready for a serious relationship, are we supposed to guess the love language of the people we date and only end up with the people who match ours? Or are we able to learn to meet each other's even if they are different?

[whatisis]

My love language is potato chips. I'm a very basic kind of guy.

[ClingingToHope]

My STBXW got exasperated last year and asked why I loved her -- before I moved out -- she said she was mean, fat, cold.

I told her I thought it was just stress and when I looked at her I still saw the 16-year-old I was hot for when I was 18.

Apparently, that was the wrong thing to say. She said she wanted someone who loved her for how she looks now.

This is where someday I still think she'll wake up and realize that I was THE one for her. I wanted her no matter what she weighed -- she always remembered a careless remark I made in our first year of our marriage and held it against me forever.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Or are we able to learn to meet each other's even if they are different?

I think we just need to be aware of the loves language of our special someone so we can do the things that are important to them. Matching would be hard unless you do speed-dating and play 20-questions before anything else.

CTH, when someone's made up their mind they're not happy and the reason is you there's nothing you can say 'right or wrong' that'll change their mind. It's all about their feelings...it's what they feel. They see or hear nothing else.

wii, I'll bet you can pick up a lot of girls in the snack isle at the grocery store- no need for the late evening laundry room visits

[ImprovedRomeo]

if affection was last on her list, then I wonder about her ability to establish and maintain emotional intimacy.

You bring up a good point NM...the two are related but I think men and women are wired exactly opposite here. For me (and probably most men) we gain the emotional intimacy AFTER the physical bond. I expressed and grew my emotional closeness through the physical touch. For her (and probably most women) they gain the physical bond after the emotional intimacy- nature's funny isn't it?

It's like the chicken or the egg deal.

[newmama]

For her (and probably most women) they gain the physical bond after the emotional intimacy-

So maybe she didn't let herself feel the emotional intimacy in order to be physical....right? And I could be waaaaay off,so I will butt out now!


Just had a random thought--if men establish emotional intimacy AFTER the physical bond, then could that be why we hear of men who do the deed and leave right after...like they don't want to get close? "Sex and Love--Gotta keep 'em separated!"

[Gardener]

nm,

Just had a random thought--if men establish emotional intimacy AFTER the physical bond,...

I believe it's more a matter of emotional bonding being felt, experienced, expressed by way of the physical act, not simply something that just happens "AFTER" like cause and effect.

...then could that be why we hear of men who do the deed and leave right after...like they don't want to get close? "Sex and Love--Gotta keep 'em separated!"

Nah, they're just pr!cks.

[ImprovedRomeo]

So maybe she didn't let herself feel the emotional intimacy in order to be physical....right? And I could be waaaaay off,so I will butt out now!

That's probably true...I don't think you're way off. Or she just lost that feeling for me and nothing else mattered. They say love is a choice- you choose to love someone.

I believe it's more a matter of emotional bonding being felt, experienced, expressed by way of the physical act, not simply something that just happens "AFTER" like cause and effect.

Gardener hit it on the head! And I'm not talking about just sex. Like one of the things I always felt jealous of other guys was when I saw their girlfriends/wives holding them while walking together. Or rubbing their shoulders like if we were driving far. I even mentioned to her and sometimes I'd take her hand and put it on my shoulder but she wouldn't do anything and a few seconds later pull her hand away. It was so frustrating. Same with reaching over and squeezing her hand on her thigh...she'd rarely squeeze my hand back. Or I'd put my head in her lap and she'd never run her fingers through my hair. And if I did to her she'd say something totally unexpected like 'stop! you're messing up my hair'. I'd sometimes come and hold her from behind while she was in the kitchen doing something and she couldn't wait to free herself. Sometimes I'd pick her up off the ground and she'd complain that I was squeezing too tight. I guess I'm playful and enjoy the physical touch and she didn't.

[soleil]

Omg, Romeo. Your ex sounds like my husband. So much--it's crazy. I always complimented him and told him when he looked nice, etc and he would barely ever tell me the same things. If I went to hold his hand, he'd barely hold mine for 3 seconds and then let it go, like he didn't want to hold me. Or he'd get home from work and I'd go to kiss him on the cheek and he'd say "I'm busy." BUSY FOR WHAT? Wtf?

Your ex sounds like she may have had some intimacy probs. It's sad being with someone who rejects you all the time.

I did read the 5 love languages on advice of our MC. Apparently mine is "Words of affirmation" and H's is "Acts of service."

I know it's said that men can more easily separate sex from their emotions but I know, as a woman, for me, I need the emotional connection for sex. If it's not there, it could be a nice roll in the hay with a stranger or out-of-this-world, mind-blowing "connected" sex. Would take the later any day.

nm,

Just had a random thought--if men establish emotional intimacy AFTER the physical bond,...

I believe it's more a matter of emotional bonding being felt, experienced, expressed by way of the physical act, not simply something that just happens "AFTER" like cause and effect.

...then could that be why we hear of men who do the deed and leave right after...like they don't want to get close? "Sex and Love--Gotta keep 'em separated!"

Nah, they're just pr!cks.

Haha!