I'd like to add that my understanding of "affair busting" as it's done in infidelity or newcomers goes beyond exposure to setting very firm boundaries. I would caution anyone dealing with MLCers to be VERY careful setting firm boundaries - be sure you are ready, willing and able to emotionally handle having to follow through with the consequences. Because there will be consequences. Setting boundaries you can't enforce can, and will likely set you back.
Remember, YOU are the cause of all that is wrong in their life ... the OP is a shining star of everything that is perfect and good. Do the math.
I agree with Jack, expose in that you let them know you know. I wouldn't tell them how. I also wouldn't advertise it, for the reasons Jack mentions, as well as the fact that it makes it harder for you if everyone is trying to convince you to leave the philandering SOB. They won't understand your choices.
Each situation is very different ... the circumstances, the people, the personalities, the kids, etc ... PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
I asked because I knew ST was struggling with what to do. I understand the pain he is in and since I have no experience in this area (exposing the affair) I wanted to ask the advice from our MLC vets.
I know he is over asking advice from the very wise and successful Infidelity board vets and truly was not trying to do anything more than get the views on it from the MLC vets perspectives.
So what's the opinion when the one who busted the affair WAS the OW. My WH's OW sent emails with pics to our kids, our relatives, even his ex-wife. I didn't expose anything-SHE DID. He swears he didn't know and didn't approve. From the correspondence my daughters had with her, she is very, very immature.
Here's my take. I didnt say a word to anyone. Wouldnt lower myself in that way. Wouldnt give her any importance or significance. My h knew that I knew. And that was it.
My head was and is head high. They, on the other hand, not so much.
How is the OW doing that worse than the LBS doing something similar?
Not making light of what happened to you Pun, but my curiousity is peaked with the thought. Does intention count toward anything...the manner in which it is done, the ends justifying the means?
The fact the the OW doing it makes it bad, but sactioned if the LBS does it instead? Cause...that rings of sanctimonius...justification in that case.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
punkin, The OW is trying to get your H to commit to her by exposing early so he has to choose to be with her. Chances are she has done this before.....that is go after a married man. She wants to solidify the R with him before he finds out her true colors. She is afraid that after he really gets to know her he is not going to like what he has and will come running back to you. He will eventually figure this out.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Oh, I'm not saying one is worse than the other BUTwe read over and over that it is the secrecy that makes the affair so spicy. It the LBS outs it, there goes the secret fantasy.
In my case, I agree that she was making sure that my H came clean with me, she didn't trust him to do so, so she took matters into her own hands. IMHO, she hurt herself moreso than me when she outed the affair. She risked her marriage, his marriage, his job, and her job. Not the sharpest tack in the drawer.
If I remember correctly didn't you say the ow sent the pics after your H filed and you contested? Was that her immature way of figuring if it was in your face that you would sign the D papers?
Obviously she thinks there's something to be gained by you two being divorced.
He filed because he was mad at my trying to get him help for his alcoholism and PTSD, but I contested and he just let it set there. Kept up emailing me. Still tried to 'keep up appearances' to friends and family, at least at first.
