Now, all I see is hate toward me...for WHAT?! WHY does HE hate ME?!
I'd like to expand on this from Eric's post.
This is projection in part from your H, RLay. He hates himself. He sees in you a reminder of what he is, what he does, and of the demons inside himself that he doesn't understand and can't control.
He blames you for 'making him do it'. He is sick and until he's willing to face his own crap and get help, he will not get better.
You may not realize it yet RLay, but God is intervening here. You have been given a chance to look at this situation for what it is.
This time when your H is gone is truly a gift if you use it to face and process the reasons you let this happen to yourself. Use this time for YOU. Go through your journey and figure out what you have to do to stand up and protect yourself.
Love yourself enough to do this RLay, and realize that no human being has the right to lay a hand in anger on you ever again.
Find yourself worth again. Do it for you and your children.
Lots of HUGS Sweetie. You're not alone. There are folks on this board that understand what you've endured. They've been through it and come out the other side, whole.
I just want to UNDERSTAND WHY. WHY take a young girl with her whole life full of dreams and ambition ahead of her and destroy her just because you can since she loves you so much and put all of her devotion and trust in you?
Rlay,
Of course you want to understand Why. It would make it easier wouldn't it? Easier to have the explanation and KNOW that it was because of him and not you.
It was because of him and NOT you.
Unfortunately, that is an answer you may never get from him. If you do get it, it will be a long time coming because he has to understand it first.
Abusers, have issues. Deep seated issues. The guilt and remorse that you saw, was the truth about how he feels about his behavior. However, he doesn't have the tools within him to stop it right now. He may or may not ever look for those tools.
What I want to know, is now that you have the only explanation that you are gonna get for a while, why did you remain there and allow it to happen for so long?
Because there was something within you, a dynamic between the two of you, that did allow this to happen.
It could be simply that you were a pleaser, or didn't want to be alone. You don't have to be totally broken to have this happen. But there was something. At the beginning, there was something that kept you from saying "Hell no".
Sort of sucks to not be able to be the 100% victim, doesn't it?
Why did you accept the abuse as a form of love?
How did you feel about it?
How has it affected your self perception?
Your post about the abuse, was very detatched IMO. Which is normal. Normal for someone who has gone through this.
Eric, and others, have the anger right now that you should have.
It is sort of funny because we talk about getting rid of anger here, but you really do need to feel it before you can get rid of it.
Rlay, it is ok if the answer is "I don't know". Often, these things happen and we hope that it will change and by the time we realize it isn't going to, we are already very broken. And really don't know what to do. This is when we really become the victim.
Then the point comes, where we have to work through it, find whatever reasons we can live with, hopefully recognize the behaviors and thought patterns within ourselves that ALLOWED it to happen, and change those. With that, we change ourselves, and it isn't something we will be so willing to put up with again.
So, I am going to suggest that it is time to shift the focus off of your H and onto you Rlay.
You can control your behaviors, you can understand your dynamic in this.
Him, that is a whole different ball game...
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Rlay, I saw it too. IMO, it was very emotionless. There was no anger, no passion, no rage ... almost like a third person account of what happened, not the victim of long-standing abuse telling her story. It's a coping mechanism I would guess. Just my two cents.
PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
The reason I asked that is because that is exactly what I told my counselor. He suggested I talk about it, write about it to help me deal with it. I told him that I can talk about it, even go into detail about the abuse, but that I am able to do that because I disassociate myself from it. I have a very big wall up mainly due to fear.
M: 34 WAH: 38 (in MLC) Together: 11 years Married since: November 2000 DS: 15 DS: 11 DS: 10 ILYBINILWY: Dec. 2009 Living separately since: April 2010
Tear it down and show yourself - yes it is scary. It is BUT it is also liberating. The reason I put my whole life story out there was to open up and just be Me. Be yourself Rlay. Be that woman that not so long ago had hope, love and joy. That woman would not disassociate from her abuse. She would probably be pretty pissed off. That woman in in YOU Rlay. You just need to let her out. No fear honey. Your not alone... You never are...you never will be.
Take that step.
Take tha chance
When you do...
Your Life will CHANGE.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I like Pei's assessment of an outsider looking in.
That is why I asked you the specific questions I did.
It is normal to dissassociate from something traumatic. It is a way to protect oneself.
It may be that you have to take it on an indiviual instance at first...
Like the first time he hit you or when you got pregnant with your third son.
I am not trying to push you over the edge by any means.
I just KNOW that in order to heal, in order to grow, in order to get to that place where you can actually have it within you to be able to say "No More", you have to feel the feelings.
You fear angering your H. I understand that.
Here, you have no one to fear. There will be no anger or abuse thrown your way...
So please, do not hold back.
I said before, some may not have a clue what to say, and others, may have a lot to offer. If it will help you to heal, that is really what is important.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I am reeling from another "accidental" text I got from H (that is worded as if it was intended for HER). I deleted immediately after reading it so I can't quote it, but it talked about how he loved me because I was the mother of his children, but he couldn't stand me at the same time. He was so unhappy with me, but she made him SO happy and was the most amazing person he has ever met. He mentioned how he loves her more than he has ever loved a woman.
:*(
M: 34 WAH: 38 (in MLC) Together: 11 years Married since: November 2000 DS: 15 DS: 11 DS: 10 ILYBINILWY: Dec. 2009 Living separately since: April 2010
