Beyond Depression..but still a losing battle?

[Lucky11too]

H started off this evening by texting about S's b-day (still over a month away, and it was obviously not even a valid idea). I was trying to decide if I should respond or not b/c it was regarding S, but it was stupid. I responded with a pleasant but sarcastic response. He had a few more comments about S, but I didn't respond (they were comments, so normally you would affirm the comments, but I didn't want to). Then right now, H texts that he just found a gray hair in his eyebrow! Ok, that has no S connection whatsoever! I'm vasalating right now between ignoring and asking the question (as a reminder) "if you're contacting me about non-S stuff, is OW3 out of the picture?" Hmm, decisions....

[Lucky11too]

So I decided to ignore...and then I get a call from H "why did you ignore my text?" Really? Are you serious? You just don't get it! At first I avoided and said, oh, I didn't see it. Then, I said, must be strong - enough is enough. I told him it was a non S text, so I didn't respond. This set off a talk about OW3. I asked him who she was. He made up this story that it was his therapist and totally got me going. haha, just kidding he says. Yeah, not funny. I ask again how they met and said that yes they had met at his work (but she doesn't work there). That's the only thing I learned. He kept asking me how I knew her name, so I told him I called her. I asked other questions but he would just avoid it, so I finally gave up and just said "fine, well I want a R with you, but with you and you alone. There are boundaries that must be kept". He said he was getting stressed out and quickly said goodbye. The fact that he was avoiding the questions and didn't deny anything means it is something. That didn't go so well, but at least he knows I'm serious now. I still can't believe he had the nerve to call & ask why I was ignoring him. Some nerve!!! Grr. Stupid G and stupid OW!!! I'm really angry right now! Why couldn't he just answer my questions?!

[awest1217]

Who knows what H is thinking? He is completely insane to throw away an awesome woman and his S. You did a good job sticking to the boundary and that is hard to do. What you have to do now is just keep it up. Keep ignoring him and stick with it no matter what. If something comes up about the depression, call MIL and just leave it at that (if you can handle that because you don't want to feel guilty, but you don't him using that to pull you back in either, you know how best to handle it, but be careful).

Also go out and have some fun! It would be awesome if you could go out with some friends and have H see you out looking good and having fun. Not that you should arrange it, but it would be a good coincidence.

[Lucky11too]

Kind of a weird feeling today. I'm definintely not feeling sad, but more a mixture of anger and shock. Not shock about OW3 (I've already processed that feeling), but more shock of what people are capable of. I knew H had this other R, but I could watch him right in front of my eyes be so loving and caring as if I was the only person in the world who ever mattered. It just amazes me how deceitful a person could be and to be soooo good at it...well that's just scary. It's weird too - how come he didn't deny anything? He came off so cocky as if his attitude were saying, yeah, and what are u going to do about it...as if somehow he's previledged enoughed to have both worlds. I'm glad I'm finally standing up to him! I think before as much as I wanted to do so, I was ultimately afraid of losing him before, so I let him walk all over me. But now I think I'm ready to let him go if need be. A boundary has been set now - no OW or no me - and that's the line I'm keeping. He's never sacrificed anything before, so I'm skeptical that he would do so now (as if letting go of a woman he's only know for a short time is really a sacrifice to keep your W and S, but whatever). I'm so angry right now that I want to just call him up and tell him I'm done and just file those darn D papers. But I know i have to give him a chance to prove me wrong, but I guess in a few months when I'm right, we'll start the D process. It's definitely discouraging tho - definitely not the man I married (or thought I married)... =/

I'm going to grab so coffee with my girlfriends tomorrow night, so that should be a good break from this all. No plans for the weekend yet, so I'll have to make something happen...maybe a trip to our county fair?

[awest1217]

Give yourself a little time. I have been at a stalemate for 7 months before I got ok with all of this, and if you remember I had the horrible melt down at Christmas. When that happened, I decided I would stop letting him and OW hurt me and turn me into someone I didn't like. It has been all uphill from there. After that, he didn't talk to me for almost a month and I got used to being alone so when it happened over and over and now when I have made it, it is not a big deal. Actually I feel liberated knowing that H knows as little about me as I know about him. He doesn't know what I do. He knows a little because S will tell him what we do, but he doesn't know everything and won't ever again.

I am finally in control of my life and it is good. Yes I still have to talk to H, and that will become much less once the D is going and finalized which in our case shouldn't take long (my friend's took 3 months) so that will be that. I could be D'd by the end of the year. The control that I finally gained and seeing what he was doing to me and what it was making me become is why I am so strong now and at peace. I didn't like that woman. I didn't like the girl who was pushed around and honestly emotionally abused. My mom is that woman, and I yelled at her for it so I don't want to do the same thing.

For you, it gets easier. You will get used to not talking to H and honestly when he does want to talk, it will be a hassle because you will be busy. It takes time, but unless he decides to change his ways with OW3, you will see how your life is so much better without him always in it.

Enjoy the weekend! Have some fun and relax. Try not to think about H at all. Just focus on you and S.

[awest1217]

The only thing I hate now...is always having to look nice when I go out because you never know where you will meet a guy...uck! I thought I was done with that...lol

[Lucky11too]

All so true! haha, it definitely does put the pressure on to look good again all the time tho. =P

So I think I had my first breakthru yesterday (for myself). I had not talked to H since Monday when we had that final talk. In the past several months, we have talked (texted daily) at least in regards to S. I knew H was getting the next portion of his tattoo done yesterday(see this is why I think he is still mental too - what is with these tattoos?!) He finished up his arm piece (nautical theme) with a big ship on his upper arm. He sent me a pic text late afternoon after they had finished up the outlining. I vasalated back and forth about responding (not that I cared about it, but I'm not a confrontational person, so I didn't want to get into an argument about it.) I was still thinking about it, when I got another text that said "you don't like it?". I still had that same thought about not wanting to have a confrontation, but I said, enough is enough, so I need to be stronger. So, I didn't respond. Several hours later, the tattoo was finished with color, so he sent me the final pic. By this time, I was out with my girlfriends for coffee and feeling even stronger, so I just ignored it again. This was a super big breakthru for me, b/c it's the first time I've been able to completely ignore him. I've set this boundary now and I have to keep it! I know DB says about this technique, that if you say it, you have to be willing to follow thru with it or you lose all credibility. This is his choice, so he is going to have to live with the consequences - no me in his life! Luckily, he didn't try to call me or anything (that was a relief), so I think I was able to get my point across. Although it doesn't sound like much, for me, it was a great step in finally being able to detach and liberate myself from H's control. So we'll see what happens now...

[awest1217]

Very good. It is very important you stick to the boundary because H has to learn that he can't go out with other women and then be with you as well. He isn't single. He is married.

I hope all still keeps going well. Each day will be easier and easier to do. Just continually remember you are doing this for you.

[Lucky11too]

I was really curious tonight if H would stick around to see me when I came to pick up S. For me, I was hoping he would not b/c I just really didn't want to face him. I know sometimes when I have pulled back from H, he'll pursue a little more. To my relief, when I pulled up, H was not there tho, but MIL said he had been there eariler. It's a litte discouraging that I set this boundary and he is not stepping up to the plate, but really, what did I expect. I'm feeling strong tho and am keeping to this boundary for as long as it takes or until I'm ready to move on and file. I'm just ready for the weekend - it's been a long week!

[awest1217]

I understand that! Have some fun this weekend and get rejuvenated.