...She does not know I set up the C session. If she asks what I ahve been doing I will tell her, but I am not going to rub it in her face like "see i am doing what you expect me to do to get help".
Again, if she asks, tell her, but if she doesn't ask, don't wave it like some certificate of good behavior, "look at me, look at what I'm doing!!!", only tell her if she's interested in knowing what you were doing, you don't have to lie:
"this is something I need to do for myself to deal with personal issues I apparently have and things only I can fix for myself: lying, being afraid of confrontation with you, arguing, being unhappy, drinking, etc."
What is pathetic, I actually thought about making up something tonight, to avoid "confrontation" but it needs to be the truth, who I am going to hang out with and the fact he wants to talk to me about his wedding, hell he might be asking me to be his best man and I have a bachelor party to prepare. EIther way I will tell her the truth.
Actually it's called a habit. A neural pathway set up in your brain for repeating a specific action over & over again, quickly & efficiently without too much thought required, almost an autopilot response.
However, you stopped yourself. You recognized you were about to lie and you also realize that the behavior isn't good.
Do this enough times and you'll set up a habit of better behavior.
You see it isn't an issue of people not being able to change, you can always learn a new skill set, you can always pick up new habits, you can always choose to do the right thing but you have to remember that it's a choice you are making.
A lot of people are convinced that people can't change, it's not that a person can't change. People can change, people will only change when THEY choose to finally want to change.
I met with some clients today, and the conversation went to how the home life is? well I didnt go into too mcuh, but the clients W told me you need to swallow your pride and fight for her. It is hard to explain why that doesnt work for people who do not know these boards and the tactics used here by many.
I simply said, she has asked for a sep, D or whatever, and all i am doing is giving her space and working on me. Obviously all our W's are not the same, but I guess I feel that the things I am working on for myself, that actually upset the W is in fact fighting for her. I am not wearing armor and slaying a dragon in front of her, but in a sense I am fighting for her by changing my demon habits.
The client did say that actions speak louder than words, which is read in many posts here. So again in some form or fashion I am reminded of what I need to do, either by myself, other people or this forum.
forgot to mention, the W did post something else on FB that does not reflect any laundry on us, just annoyed as to one of my kids toys bugging the crap out of her. Usually she leaves posts up for a while to get under my skin, I have been dark so maybe she is just realizing I am not going to react.
And she has gone kind of dark as well, no texts, emails or calls cant complain too much we arent fighting or argueing.
What is pathetic, I actually thought about making up something tonight, to avoid "confrontation" but it needs to be the truth, who I am going to hang out with and the fact he wants to talk to me about his wedding, hell he might be asking me to be his best man and I have a bachelor party to prepare. EIther way I will tell her the truth.
Since I was quite quick to jump on you for lying, I want to be equally as public telling you that you're doing a really good job on this. That you thought about it is HUGE. That you made the conscious decision to do the right thing in spite of the personal fallout/negativity it might bring on you is not pathetic, it's strong. Whatever her reaction is, it's totally on her; you've done the right thing.
forgot to mention, the W did post something else on FB that does not reflect any laundry on us, just annoyed as to one of my kids toys bugging the crap out of her. Usually she leaves posts up for a while to get under my skin, I have been dark so maybe she is just realizing I am not going to react.
And she has gone kind of dark as well, no texts, emails or calls cant complain too much we arent fighting or argueing.
Yup be thankful for the quiet days, the other day you were about to complain about her constant need to argue, bring up the past, beat you up on past mistakes, etc. Today she's quiet, maybe she needs a break from arguing with you too ;-)
Either that or trying to come up with new ways to test you (you know I'm just busting your a$$ LOL), good job so far.
Ya I am thinking she is going to test me by being a little mysterious herself. She just got home, kind of upbeat as am I, told her I was going to meet up with my buddy, to talk to him about his wedding and relationship stuff. She made the comment of "are either one of us the best person to talk to about that?" I chuckled and said I was thinking the same thing and that I would wing it!
So I told her the truth, she was more concerned about where we were going than anything else. I told her I didnt know, I was just going to call him on my way and he can pick a place. So I will be gone for a few hours, and she can get a little more space and time to herself and the kids.
The reason I think she will be a little dark coincides with her comment about me fighting for her, this is where I get stumped. I think what I am doing is keeping fires contained, but by me fighting is she expecting me to give chase? or do I keep going like this and let her give chase? Dont know why I ask, I already know the answer.
We had a nice talk about my day, not IC talk just business stuff. I will check in later.
