How To Tell The Kids

[Fightingforher]

Dan,

I know exactly how you feel right now. After all we've been through I still have this fantasy of my W running back to me. Then I think about the lies, the A, the OM1 & now OM2 and I think to myself why would I take her back????

I'm sure all of us have learned from the mistakes we made in our marriages. This is something we can take with us when we are ready to start a new R. I certainly don't want to make the same mistakes in the future and re-live this hell.

It sounds like our W's are both living in fantasy land right now. Like you I agree that when the final whistle blows we will be the winners at the end. We have been working on ourselves for months and I'm really starting to see results. Our W's on the other hand have underlying issues that unfortunatley for them will follow them around until they get help.

I'm confident that there is somebody out there and things happen for a reason. We just need to make sure that our kids don't suffer because our WAW's thought the grass was greener.

[idontunderstand]

Sound like a great weekend!

You sound like you are in a good place. I can relate:

All in all, it was a very good time. Just have to keep working on getting past the low spots.

I also find myself missing the times that the WHOLE family would do things together and I do miss my W. I have to make myself remember that this is her choice and that she isn't much fun to be with anyway. Yelling at the kids, bitching about everything. I have to stop myself and realize that I am haveing a good time without her and I don't think of her all that much anymore. The down times are there but they are getting less and less all the time.

You are doing great. I'm going to have to check into the cigar thing with you guys. Anything to help relax!

[LSG]

DanF,

The "low spots" are very difficult for all of us. You seem to being doing good lately.

Keep going strong!

[DanF]

Journaling:

Was up until 2am after the game on Saturday, so I slept in a bit on Sunday morning. That felt good! Took S and we both got our hair cut, went and got a new pool cover since ours has disintegrated, grabbed lunch and dropped S at a friends house about 1pm. W got home about 1:30pm from her stay at her sister's house.

Didn't talk much with her, went out and mowed the lawn and trimmed. W commented that she had trimmed 2 days ago. I told her "That's nice." and went about my business.

I had pulled a pork roast out of the freezer to have for dinner, so when I was done outside, I started in prepping for dinner. Corn on the cob, prepared some potatoes and zucchini for the grill. Noticed W sitting on the deck in the sun. Nice life!

Left to pick-up S from friends about 3:15pm. Came back an finished prepping for dinner. Stopped by neighbors for a little while and W started the grill and put the corn and roast on while I was gone. I came back and finished cooking and we cleaned-up the kitchen together, but she always leaves now before it is done and I end-up having to wipe everything down. She may have gone to do laundry, so no big deal.

After dinner I shower up, put on some nicer clothes and cologne and sit on the driveway listening to music, smoking a cigar and having a beer. Other neighbor comes over for a bit to chat. W comes out the front door, walks around us and goes back in the garage door. Only outside for about 30 seconds. Just checking to see where I am?

Neighbor and I decide to go out to see if my little blonde friend is working today. He tells his W he is leaving, I do not. Kids are all playing together and I plan to be back in time to tuck them into bed. Glad neighbor is coming along, as I don't want to look like a stalker!

Unfortunately, blondie has the day off. We have a couple of beers anyway and then he wants to go to another place for one more. Shoot a couple of games of pool and are leaving when we run into some other neighbors, so we stay for one more. This wasn't my plan, but it goes this way sometimes. Get home a bit after 10pm and kids are in bed, W going to bed. Neighbor hangs around until about 11pm and then I go to bed too.

Don't talk to W on Monday morning as she is still in bed when I leave. They are going to the beach again today. Again, nice life! Don't get too used to it. I get home from work and help cook dinner and clean-up the kitchen. W again leaves before we are done. I wipe down and finish the dishes.

Kids are at the neighbors, so I go over for a bit. Sitting on the porch talking to neighbor when W comes out of the house, looks over, asks where D is (in back yard) and goes back in the house. Checking on me again?

Mosquitos are killing us, so I go home with the kids around 9pm. W is watching the Bachelorette, which further cements her fantasy thoughts. Kids shower and are getting ready for bed, so I go upstairs and start to re-read FFH thread to see what I can learn. Tuck in kids and keep reading. It is a long post. D comes in my room and says she can't sleep about 10:30pm. W won't let her sleep in her bed so she wants to sleep with me. I tell her OK and we fall asleep pretty quickly.

Get up late today and W is already gone for work. Very little contact the last week or so, with the exception of a couple of family dinners. Not sure if anything is changing for her or not, but things are definitely changing for me.

Thanks to all for your continued support.

[Ready2Change]

....I did break down a bit on the ride home....

At one point I decided to allow myself to cry in front of my kids. I chose to do this based off of all the reading I have done. S9 said, "I didn't think adults cried"...Stuffed emotions need to come out....Do we want our kids to stuff all their emotions until they are 40?

It's funny too, because I actually believe that I could probably find someone else who is more compatible for me than W. I guess the problem is the "probably" part.

Right now, working on YOU and your interactions with your W (as well as other women) is important. You will carry all your new learned skills with you. There are lots of single women out there

Fear of the unknown. My history is to get comfortable and stick with it.

180's I did : Let go of the fear. Be in the moment. Let go of the control. If someone wants to leave, IT IS OK.....

All the lies she has told me, the A with the OM, her delusional fantasy life, the shitty way she treated me when I was trying so hard to change to do the things she wanted and make a deeper emotional connection are all combining to make me wonder if I should even keep trying or just move on. I really think that I could do better.

The changes you make are for YOU. How you will treat others, how you will let others treat you. The "You know what, you are right, this is not working for me either..." state of mind and speech are key. You can do better.....

But then there are still these deep feelings that I have for her. And the kids.

She is making irresponsible decisions....the kids suffer. Be empathetic, strong and compassionate to your kids.

I really do think that W is going to be shocked when she finds out what her financial position is going to be at the end of this. But I don't want her back just because of the money either.

The sooner reality hits the better. She needs to feel all the shock at once.

I just don't know anymore........

All the mixed feelings and thoughts are normal. Setting her free, standing up to her, listening to her, walking away from lies, being there for your kids, finding happiness ALONE, having fun flirting with other women, making new relationships, setting and holding boundaries, crying, screaming and singing in the car....Let go of the outcome.

I wish you well.

[Nikita Belle]

Dan- sounds like you're doing very well. Yes, she is checking on you- that's what we do, casually stroll by (though I'm working on this myself) with some other ostensible purpose.

Not that it's your problem, but is she even looking for work in between beach runs? You will end up paying support if she doesn't earn anything or enough- can't remember but thought she works but makes much less than you?

You're a good guy (and that's not meant in the "awww, he's a NICE guy" kind of way)- you get food out for dinner? Clean up the kitchen right away?? Awesome. Yes, there are single ladies out there - I'm concerned about the dearth of single men myself, but I guess here you all are, just not anywhere near me. Let's keep the faith that if you and I are here, there must be more of us out there. I'm just kind of dreading the whole dating scene- never thought I'd have to do that again, and it kind of sucks!

[DanF]

Thanks for the replies R2C and NB. It feels good to have the support and some positive feedback on my efforts.

NB, I do check on her too sometimes, but not nearly as much as I used to and I am trying to quit.

My W works part-time right now and is refusing to go back full-time until "later", but I don't know when that will be. She has a job with the state of WI and wants to remain in her position, only in a full-time role. She is anticipating some retirements will happen soon in our area and that she will be able to get one of those jobs. There might also be the possibility that she can take her part-time position to a full-time position. I have talked to her repeatedly about paying her way and going back full-time, but to no avail. She seems content to live off of me.

I can't legally kick her out of the house, since we own it jointly and my atty said the court isn't likely to require her to move out. She also said that the court will likely base Child Support and Maintenance/Alimony payments based on her working full-time, but since she has been part-time for 11 years, they will likely give her some time and phase the payments down.

W likes to tell me that "it is not your money, it is our money and you are discounting everything I have done in the last 20 years." I should have told her that she is discounting everything that I have done in the last 20 years and Ding me!! As far as I am concerned, when she stopped showing me any affection, had an affair, filed for D and stopped sharing a bed, I stopped sharing my bank account.

She is on her own now, except that certain bills still have to be paid, like the mortgage and utilities, but at least I am getting some $ from her. She offerred to write me a check for $15 towards the water bill yesterday, but I turned it down and will work for a larger combined number when she gets paid on Thursday. We'll see what the court has to say on Monday in our hearing for a Temporary Order. I'm hoping they require her to go back to work sooner rather than later.

What a bunch of sh!t. She wants a divorce, she just doesn't want it RIGHT NOW! She wants it on her timetable and according to her plans. I'm doing my best not to let that happen and it does seem that a lot of her grand plans are imploding in on her!

1) Her OM won't D his wife.
2) Her OM had an affair with OW2 and she knows it.
3) I am likely to get 50% placement/custody. (Thought se would get primary and I would be a week-end dad.
4) #3 means reduced child support.
5) I'm working on beating down the alimony payment.
6) No equity left in the house.
7) Her brother won't let his kids go on vacation with us and
7) She isn't going on the "family" vacation she demanded that we keep.


She is all stressed-out, but still stone-cold poker faced. I almost feel sorry for her sometimes. I think she is pathetic.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Hi Dan,

Long post, but a GOOD post! I enjoyed the update, and I commend you on your GAL stuff! You're playing it VERY well.

Just one word of caution, and PLEASE don't take this the wrong way, but be careful about letting your daughter sleep with you while your wife and you have a legal proceeding (D) pending. Stranger things have happened than for a wayward wife to try to use such an innocent thing against her husband.

again, keep up the good work!

Puppy

[DanF]

Thanks for the warning pup. Maybe I should have just traded beds with her. I'll remember that in the future.

My posts do get very long from time to time, but I want to make sure I tell everything to get the best advice, so I include lots of details. I know it makes them harder to people to stay committed to though. I appreciate everything that you and the other are doing for me and realize that it is not an easy task for you guys.

I sometimes worry that in GAL I am spending too much time out in bars or away from the kids. I would guess the bars thing could be held against me in terms of being a fit parent, but she does much of the same, so that would be a bomb that would get us both if she chooses to detonate it.

Thanks to all for the feedback, it really helps me stay on track!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Just mix it up a bit. Beers with buds one night; maybe join a service organzation or something? Men's Club at church? Volunteer for something? Offer to coach some underprivileged kids?