She Say's She Want's Out Of The Marriage

[robx]

tbart,
ragman is a user on this forum that can benefit from the experience and perspective you gained from situation when returning home from your service overseas.

I'm hoping you login every now & then, maybe you can give us an update and post a comment on his thread as well.

thinking of you bro, hope you're doing good, enjoying your summer vacation time with the kids ;-)

[tbart01]

Sorry I'v been away and haven't given any updates. I had moved away completely and started to get my personal afairs in order. I was rarely around a computer long enough to post.

What I found as I did this was my W and I started to interact differently with all the pressure off. We still had bad moments, but there were little breakthroughs alomg the way.

As a result my W sent me a text message the other morning telling me that she wanted to drop the D. If you recall I made it very clear that we would not get back together unless she could committ 100% to me. Also, I told her that having the D hanging over my head wasn't fair either.

She says that she has missed me, and listed specifics. She said that she wants to be with me and go all in. She told me that she would completely understand if I decided to follow through with the D.

She doesn't need to make a decision today, tomorrow, or a month from now. She just wants me to think the entire thing through.

She's wanting to comply with I told her 2 months ago it would take for me to want her back. we have discussed many issues and what our expectations would be at great lengh.

I have a hard time not wanting to give our 18 year M another chance. She has finally come around to what I had asked of her. Yet I still struggle to jump in.

I feel I want to give this another chance, and I feel that I will. This is a rare opportunity for a couple that was so close to being divorced. This could be very rewarding based upon the knowledge we're now armed with.

We have opened up and talked about what has bothered us for so long. We have a btter understanding of what the other wants and needs. We have learned to communicate openly and honestly with one another.

This is where my situation is. It appears as though we have come full circle.

[CD Bear]

Wow, tbart!!

This sounds fantastic. A "good news" story for a change.

You still have a decision to make. But it's your decision.

And this is still about "TIME"

I'm too new at this to weigh in with advice but it sure is good to see something about D-bombs being "recalled" and "WAS looking back to the M"

[tbart01]

Well my W isn't wavering from her stance to reconcile. She even initiates hugs and touches. She doesn't tell me that she loves me, but she does tell me that she still loves me.

We continue to talk things over, and we've planned to get together this weekend to discuss our expectations from one another once I move back in.

We're both scared of how things wil be, but we both want to see us back together. That's why we're taking our time and talking these things through.

I'm still floored that she has decided to drop the D. This speaks volumes compared to before when she wanted to keep the D going while we tried to work it out. That scenario was doomed to fail from the beginning, and it did.

She's trying to come back under the terms I had set forth months ago. She made it clear she needed time to see my consistency, and to make sure she could come back at 100%. If she was unable to come back at 100%, then we both agreed she wouldn't come back.

This is and will remain a work in progress. We both know that we have a long tough road ahead of us, but it's a road we're both willing to go down now.

[BeTheMan]

T-Bart

I am so happy to read about the change in your situation!!!!

Please learn from my mistake. Almost 5 years ago, I "busted" our divorce and thought I had saved my marriage. Over a period of time, I allowed myself to go back to old habits and now we are separated and there is little hope of reconciling this time.

So...learn from me and no matter how good things feel some day, remember your lowest point and continue your efforts forever. You deserve to enjoy the greatest marriage possible. Enjoy, but always remember where you were.

[tbart01]

That's our biggest concern is that we'll revert back. We're getting together this weekend to discuss what each of us expects from the other. We both agree that if we can't make it past that part, then it will impossible.

I think that getting together to discuss these things is a huge first step. At least we'll have a clear understanding of what the other wants and needs. this will allow us to ecide if we can do it, and to try and give what the other needs.

[pinhead]

Good luck Tbart! I'll be rooting (and praying) for you two!

[tbart01]

I should be excited that my W wants to get back together, but I'm not. I keep thinking about things, and the thought is difficult.

I'm glad we're going to give it another try, but I still fear she wont be able to fully come around. She say's she's in this all the way, but I still have reservations.

I know that I can give 100%, but I question wether or not she can. She still maintains the same stance she did the day she told me. That in itself is amazing, being that she was unable to maintain for a day before.

I guess I'm still skepticle until we have our scheduled conversation on Saturday. We have it for Staurday because we don't want to have to take time away from the kids.

I'm still grateful that this opportunity has been presented to me, but I'm just more nervous than I thought i would be.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

tbart,

haven't followed your sitch since the beginning, I will read more.

I might be in the same boat with you as far as W wanting to work on M.

Not sure but could be a possiblity.

I am confused whether or not if I want to work on M.

Good luck and may you find what your looking for.

gr8

[steady]

Good to see you back. Quick piece of advice, if you're away from the boards for a little while and then come back, find the people who were following your thread and let them know.

I should be excited that my W wants to get back together, but I'm not. I keep thinking about things, and the thought is difficult.

tbart, this is absolutelynormal. We spend all this energy and time trying to change ourselves and REVERSE the direction that when it does reverse, we start to feel our own resentments, fears, complaints, etc...

Moving back in - I would re-consider this if I was you. At least to think about not jumping right back in. Maybe some vets can chime in here but often the separation is the catalyst that makes things reverse. That space got her to miss you and want you back; it showed her what she actually missed about you.

There is some discussion about this in the DR book.

I would definitely advise you to seek out some feedback from people who have had experience in piecing.

I'll see if I can get Coach to come over and give you some feedback.

Now for what I see as positive - the very fact she was being specific about what she missed is positive.

Now for the work. This is what I would do.

Both of you make a list of the things you didn't like about the marriage. Be very specific with specific examples of it. You have to do this with your ego's on the side. You need to be able to do this without either one getting all wrapped around the axle.

No 2 - Make a list of your fears about moving forward. Have her do it also.

Take those lists and bring them here. There are so many people here who can help you guys address them and point you to resources you can use.

Again, that's what I would do. This place has helped you get this far, it can help you go forward from here. A lot of people get to the point you're at and then disappear, only to show up later on.

One more piece of advice for you. If you guys successfully reconcile make sure YOU KEEP COMING BACK HERE on a regular basis. This place will keep it green for you and will put you in a great position not to fall back and repeat only to be here in a couple of years.

Take note of what BeTheMan wrote. There's a reason he posted that to you. It's not a coincidence.