You've gotten great advice so far! I'm not a vet but I do agree with staying. I think working on your marriage when both parties are still in the house is far better than trying to work on it when one has left. Keep your head up!!
Thank you folks. Son and I had a great day today. We went dirtbiking and just had a ball.
Wife went to be with her girlfriends last night, 4 blocks away,and then today she went and lounged in the pool with them. First she invited son and I and then it got changed to girls only.
Facebook pics are up of the afternoon before you say anything and it's legit. I really don't see OM in the picture.
I'll tell you though, a 47 yo mom of 4 is spinning in the head buying a string bikini. That one makes me wonder.
These girlfriends showed up in our lives about 3 years ago. They are all married and are great people.
I've been such a non listening depressed [censored] the last few years that these families have literally become more important to her than us it seems. Even though I know that's not true I'm beginning to see why I was so grumpy. I just wish that we would have had the comm. skills to work through that.
You know, I'm almost glad she's done this, thus, the title of my thread. It has been like the world is opened up to me.
I love and appreciate my wife again(even though I cant tell her that) I've gone back to church after 35 years.
My son wanted to do that and has been going with the wife off and on for 8 months or so. It feels good!
I just have a new appreciation of family. Even if ( shudder, please god) it ends,I'm going to be a nicer better person.
Anyhow, wife came home exhausted and probably abit buzzed with the alien attitude going.
I gave her awhile and then basically forced her to hear of our adventure in a positive upbeat way. After she relaxed she listened well and then went back to her room.
That's another frickin' mistake right there now. I bought her her own laptop last aug for her b day.
4 people in this house all off in there rooms on a computer.
Anyways, that's my day. Not bad and alot of good. Here's to a great week!
It sounds like you're lucky enough to have the resources to get a coach? I'll take every nugget that you can pass on and be eternally grateful I might add.
don't know if I'll be much help, had to lete mine go. She was just not willing to work. She and I have not even talked this week other than necessary items concerning the kids etc. No R talks, no chit chat, nothing. Still very cold.
moving forward, she says she will file in the next few days.
Alright then. I was finally able to sit d23 down and apolagise for being so jealous of her for the last couple of years. She's getting married here at the house in oct. and I wanted her to know that I really want to be a vital part of that process.
I've dived into the Love Dare as part of my personal change and therapy.
Great stuff for those of you that are christian inclined. It does kind of break the dbing a bit in the first few days At this point, I need to work on GAL.
Going on the 2nd week the initial pain and anger is fading and things are better.
I'm convinced that letting go completely is one of the keys here. The love dare coincides with dbing in that.
She's leaving for a fam reunion this weekend so a money conversation is coming.
My plan is to keep it short and to the point. No trying to buy her by going overboard. Just the facts maam.
She left het computer open to her facebook and sure enough, there he was. Had theselves a little rendevous planned for the 13th, he was going to fly her in to his town.
Sent her poetry etc.
I could not for the life of me figure out why she was so cold so fast. There is is.
I have read enough that I just went into full outing mode. Called our D23 in to read the PMs between them, called her, she was out running an errand. Probably talking to him.
I told her either to end right now or her Mom gets the next call.
She has til morning. it's 5 here now.
Question: I woke up this morning to a pm on FB from him stating that he'd talk but was not open to screaming and threats.
I'll tell you what to say, "I don't know why I was angry about all of this, I've been doing some serious thinking and I've come to the conclusion that you can have her, Good Luck, send me an invite to the wedding ;-)"
I know sure as heck that you don't chase or pursue or fight for a spouse that is actively cheating on you.
What does that communicate to them? To yourself?
That they're worth it?
Really?!
What about you?
All you're doing is communicating that you have apparently less value than they have because you are willing to tolerate a spouse that would cheat on you with another person, and boy oh boy, that brings them back fast every single time (note the subtle tone of sarcasm I've included at the very end).
Let her go, she wants out, show her the door, no worries.
You're not a prick or an a$$hole, on the contrary, you are happy and awesome.
Do you really want someone that doesn't want you? Is your self-esteem that low?
Sure continue with the outing? What do you hope to gain with it? You want to expose the affair, to remove it's secrecy and mystery, sure go ahead.
Don't do it to gain favor from your in-laws or kids or anyone else, that rarely works (if ever).
You tell her she can have the OM and you hope she's happy. And you do it with a grin on your face.
Ask her when she plans to move out because it won't work for her live at home with you anymore. Yes, she moves out, preferably within the next few weeks - maybe she can stay with the OM until she finds an apartment to rent. She chose to have an affair, she now has to deal with the reality of that situation, moving out, getting a place of her own. If you had the affair instead of her, you would have moved out. Be firm about this, you won't waver on this. If she has an affair and doesn't move out, tell her you will pack her things, put them in boxes, leave them in the driveway/garage and change the locks afterwards, if she calls your bluff, do these things and show her you're not bluffing. She will now be dealing with the responsibility of her finances, sharing responsibility of the kids, etc. She can file for divorce at anytime and you'll both sit down and tell the kids that you guys are separating.
Maybe when the dust settles from all of this "hoopla", you guys might even become friends.
Start working out, start shopping for new clothes/shoes, fresh look, fresh style and then start dating.
Then when the lustre of that affair wears off and it's no longer as exciting as she thought it was coupled with the fact that you will start dating other women soon, then we'll see if she doesn't come back asking to work on the marriage.
And you will be the one saying "hmmmm, I don't know, I'll think about it."
That is of course, if you really want to ;-)
This is just advice, given freely, in the end you have to make the choices & decisions that lead your life in the direction you want it to go.
My opinion is let go of the people that don't value you or the relationship they have with you. A spouse who chooses to have an affair and cheat on their spouse doesn't deserve your attention or the action of you chasing her, begging & pleading for her to come back.
