Do you understand this? Your wife is not attracted to you. What would make your wife want to jump your bones? What does she need from you?
I know, I know, I know. I suck at DB. She needs space and time. I have to keep repeating that to myself. Space. Time. Space. Time. She's not leaving as long as I give her those two things. I think I need some kind of mantra.
The stupid thing is, when I give her those two things, it works. How idiotic of me I know I have to MAN UP and leave her be.
Just last night I backed off of everything. Didn't initiate a dang thing. She had to make a trip to the store to get some things really quick and I just said "bye, see you later" and she initiated a hug and kiss, and a good one at that. Then after she got back I watched 20 minutes of TV or so with her and then told her I was going to read in the bedroom. She was in bed within about an hour or so and as she got in she said "Love you, goodnight" and gave me a great kiss.
IDIOT i keep telling myself. I have to just back off! Why do I do the opposite? Backing off WORKS.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
She leaves for MIL tomorrow for a family reunion until next Friday.
We went to bed, and she said she's going to cuddle up with me. She cuddled really well - no pillow in between us like the past two nights. I got up to write this and she asked where I was going. I said I needed to get up... she asked if I was coming back....
Those 15 minutes of holding her and NOT pursuing her for the past 2 days was absolute bliss. Amazing.
Now, onto the hard part. She's leaving for a week. I see that pulling away brings her closer. How should I act when she is away? She said she wants to talk to me everyday...
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
. . . and for GOD'S sakes, strike the word "cuddle" from your vocabulary! I hope you don't actually use it with her??
Puppy
haha! any suggestions? like - "Massive bed hugging"?
I prefer "non-sexual touch."
I'm busting your ballz, because it's an old joke around here, and I even started a thread on it once, pointing out that I have YET to see someone who uses the word "cuddle" successfully DB. It was tongue-in-cheek, but it also kinda wasn't. It's a mindset, and just an observation.
Seriously. I would give my left n#t to "cuddle" for 10 minutes. So if you want to use that then go ahead, damn the critics. But for the love of god, getting up to post on here?
She "said" she wants to talk to you everyday. Well, when she calls, showing that her actions match her words, let her talk to you. Listen like you've never listened in your life. Don't argue, validate when you can, and cherish that she wants to talk to you.
You'll also have the phone as a way of protecting yourself, you won't have to look cheerful and happy, just sound that way.
Do you understand this? Your wife is not attracted to you. What would make your wife want to jump your bones? What does she need from you?
She needs space and time. I have to keep repeating that to myself. Space. Time. Space. Time. She's not leaving as long as I give her those two things.
No, not exactly. You can give her all the time & space in the universe but if you appear to be a weak sister to her then there is no way she's going to find that sexy! Don't you get it? She wants you to be sexy!
You are a 28 yr old man who is wanting to have sex with his wife....really badly. It has you to the point that you can't think of much of anything else. (Hey, I use to be married to a 28 yr old man.)
Anyway, you need to think about how you were when she met you and fell in love with you. She really wants to feel romantic love for you, but she can't. Maybe she doesn't know way....and maybe you don't know why....and maybe that C doesn't know, but honey....I know. She has another man on her mind (and perhaps more) and all she has to do is have a heart to heart with you and then you're convinced that everything is lovely. She can wrap you around her little finger, b/c you "want" to believe her. You "want" the M to be good.
So, here's the thing.....first of all, don't believe anything she tells you. Stop asking questions that she's going to lie about.
Next, get set boundaries of the things you cannot tollerate in your M, b/c she needs to respect those boundaries or get out. Read Coach's thread on boundaries.
Now the big thing....work on a do-over for yourself. Get in shape, get a new look that says...."Look at me girl, you would be crazy to leave a man like me!" If you don't look cool and sexy, then find a friend who'll tell you what to do to get there. Polish up your manners, personality, social life and faith (not necessarily in that order).
Get your focus off of her. Act as if you are not hurt by what she does b/c after all...you are a man who is confident and you don't have to be reassured every day that she still loves you. (BTW,don't tell her you love her while all this stuff she's doing is going on...and don't tell her just to see if she'll say it back).
Get out of that house and find something to fill your life. Leave when she is there. Look smoking hot with a big smile, walk out the door with a "see ya" and no details of what your plans are. Do you get what I'm saying here?
She needs to see a strong, sexy, man who is desirable. When she said she felt like you were another child, that told the story right then and there. Stop whining, pleading,fishing, etc.
Now if you want her to want you? You act as if you could care "less" if you ever had sex with her again. Notice I said with her. Take cold showers, take care of your own needs....but you act as if she's your kid sister visiting and you're really trying to just be "nice". If you do this the right way....she'll be chasing after you. But this other stuff she's been doing?.....she's playing you, that's all.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I know I have to MAN UP and leave her be.