Setting them free

[Piano]

I'd love to see that list of yours! ;-)
And I'll archive that reply, in case I ever get the chance to use it!
Would be very eager to hear from Gucci as well...I've been toying with the idea of sending a final email ('letting him go/I'm moving on with my great life') before he gets on a plane in a few weeks to live on the other side of the world with OW.

[Gardener]

...both following their feelings.

It is all about them isn't it? When I was talking to my WAW everything was how she felt, what about the way you are making me and the kids feel, guess that wasn't nearly as important.

After another late night of reading, it seemed to just settle over me this morning while I was driving. I kept telling myself I should let her go and today I "felt" I am ready to. Do I still love her, yes, more than anything, do I want her back, I can't really say right now. I don't know how I could forgive someone willingly hurting the person they are supposed to love the way she has been and not care about how it impacts the family.

"Keep telling yourself that you can heal from this. You are a good person.

No one deserves to be abandoned. Nothing you did warranted this kind of treatment from the woman who promised to love you.

The issue lies within your wife. It is a flaw in her that has caused her to walk out on you. You do deserve better treatment.

It is better to be alone and happy than to be with someone who would choose to leave."

Susan J. Anderson
The Journey From Abandonment To Healing

[steady]

Steady, you can imagine it,
in one situation, the WAS is a man, the other situation the WAS is a woman, both following their feelings.

Let them go, that's all you can do.

You're right robx, I can imagine it. I meant it more in a vein of me not fathoming how someone can just walk away from a W with a newborn baby. That's beyond me.

There are responsibilities in life that trump how we feel. There were times I didn't feel like waking up with my kids, there were times I didn't feel like changing a diaper, etc... It's called being responsible.

I'm also with you on the total disrespect and disdain I have for a person who can do what he's doing.

And yes, the best thing is to let go of them. There is no convincing to be had. Why would we want to be with someone we have to convince to be with us. I posted recently of an experience I had of exactly that. If you manage to pull it off, you sit there thinking 'This is no good. WTF am I doing here?"

[steady]

Got to stamp your post to my forehead, robx!
I wish I hadn't done so much arguing and pleading (during my pregancy and post birth of our baby..7 months of pathetic neediness). Is there any way to 'undo' all that??

robx has it right on his advice to you.

If you toss him aside you will gain his respect. Respect is built when a person takes a stand for themselves regardless of what's going on. When you stand up and claim your right to be happy, claim your right to be with someone who will love and respect you, claim your right not to be a doormat or treated with such disrespect, then you gain people's respect.

But the most important outcome of doing this is - YOU GAIN BACK RESPECT FOR YOURSELF. And that trumps everything else.

Piano -

"It's obvious you are a person who would walk away from his responsibilities. You father children with me and then just walk away based on how you feel rather than doing what's right based on the responsibilities you have created.

You are not the kind of man I want to be with and you are not the kind of person I want in my life. You have a right to do whatever you want to do, but I have a right to chose what is healthy for me. I have no respect for a person who can do what you're doing and acting so selfishly.

I deserve better than that and so do my children. I do not want them modeling such irresponsible behavior."

[steady]

Piano -

"It's obvious you are a person who would walk away from his responsibilities. You father children with me and then just walk away based on how you feel rather than doing what's right based on the responsibilities you have created.

You are not the kind of man I want to be with and you are not the kind of person I want in my life. You have a right to do whatever you want to do, but I have a right to chose what is healthy for me. I have no respect for a person who can do what you're doing and acting so selfishly.

I deserve better than that and so do my children. I do not want them modeling such irresponsible behavior."

[CD Bear]

Steady and Gardener-
This is EXACTLY what i needed to read this morning.

Thank you so much.

[robx]

Steady, you can imagine it,
in one situation, the WAS is a man, the other situation the WAS is a woman, both following their feelings.

Let them go, that's all you can do.

You're right robx, I can imagine it. I meant it more in a vein of me not fathoming how someone can just walk away from a W with a newborn baby. That's beyond me.

There are responsibilities in life that trump how we feel. There were times I didn't feel like waking up with my kids, there were times I didn't feel like changing a diaper, etc... It's called being responsible.

I'm also with you on the total disrespect and disdain I have for a person who can do what he's doing.

And yes, the best thing is to let go of them. There is no convincing to be had. Why would we want to be with someone we have to convince to be with us. I posted recently of an experience I had of exactly that. If you manage to pull it off, you sit there thinking 'This is no good. WTF am I doing here?"

remember we're applying logic to a situation,
logic that says a person should have the discipline to do what's right and take care of their responsibilities. But these WAS's are in love with their feelings, so they throw all that logic, responsibility and discipline to the wind and just follow those feelings wherever they may lead:

incredible reward or ultimate letdown.

As for piano's sitch, her hubby leaving just after they have a baby a few months ago, my "logic" on that situation is simple, the ultimate victim in that situation is the children. Children never have a say, they don't choose their parents, they don't choose their family life, their living environment, they don't choose to be born at all. People need to be damn sure before they have kids that they're committed to the process before they insert "point A" into "slot B", I'd go so far as to make it a criminal offense to abandon a mom and a newborn. Heck I'm not even talking marriage anymore, I think people should probably get licenses to procreate, it's too easy for people to have sex, have kids and then make a mess of those kids and wipe their hands & walk away when the going gets tough and to me, that's just bull$hit, again that's how I feel on this topic, that's my logic on this issue.

[steady]

I'm right with you robx.

I've never heard it said before I saw you say it - "The WAS are in love with their feelings."

I also think the ultimate losers in divorce are the children. I told my W this months and months ago. Of course her position was, as I'm sure all pro-divorce people are, kids are resilient. It's amazing.

My kids may be resilient. But I see an even bigger picture. Today I watched my son play t-ball. As I was watching I thought about how my W should be taking my D for some girl time and I should be taking my S to the park to practice hitting, fielding grounders, throwing, learning the rules of the game.

But I can't do that. Our kids have only one parent at a time. My D would be bored to death sitting there watching me teach my S. She's too young to participate. I know there are ways around it and there are solutions - I could have my SIL watch my D. My point is it shouldn't have to be a big deal to do this stuff. The kids lose out.

When they're older and in school and they both have homework or projects they both need help with - now there's one parent trying to help them both, while cooking a dinner, while cleaning out their lunchboxes and getting lunch ready for the next day, while doing all of the household chores that need to get done.

They're resilient? What about everything else they're going to get short-changed on? I can make a huge list of where they lose.

And my W once said, "I'll put them through whatever they have to go through so they don't see their mother crying every day." That told me everything right there.

Let her go. Let them go. If they're lucky they'll crash and burn. If not, they'll just build a pile of crap they'll run from again - wash, rinse, repeat.

[Piano]

Thanks Steady for the email wording.

My WH may not understand my logic right now (being so driven by his feelings), but in years to come he might & it's for that I wanted a final email.

I know that me being 'right' will not bring him back or take him out of his Feeling Fog.

Oh, and it's not that important, but to clarify, my WH dropped the bomb and separated when I was 4 months pregnant and has been making moves since them to live o/seas with OW. He goes in a matter of weeks.

[steady]

Piano,

I always try to look at it like this - I have absolutely no idea what the future holds. I may find someone who is so well suited for me that I'll look back on wonder why ever held onto my W at all. A piece of space debris could fall from the sky, hit my W on the head and turn her thinking around 180 degrees. We may part ways and never come back together. Or we may. I have no idea.

The funny thing is this - we humans have a tendency to accept a negative future more than a positive one. I'm not sure why that is but I see it in me and so many other people. I guess it's a matter of projecting forward based on the space we are in now.

I remember meeting people and going through really great things (like finally getting my current job) where I felt so good all I could see was good ahead of me. When things looked bad, I looked forward and saw bad...lol.

I've used this story many times and I just wish I could get it to stick with me:

We'll See...

There is a Taoist story of an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit.

"Such bad luck," they said sympathetically.

"We'll see," the farmer replied.

The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses.

"How wonderful," the neighbors exclaimed.

"We'll see," replied the old man.

The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune.

"We'll see," answered the farmer.

The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son's leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out.

"We'll see" said the farmer.

We need to be the farmer, because that's exactly how life goes. 'Good' turns 'bad', then back to 'good', then back to 'bad', then back to 'good'..... (good and bad are just relative perspectives based on what we perceive the meaning of current events will have on our future) <--- Did I just say that??? lol