SA- I think he was... I have never dealt with a narcissist before so I am not 100% sure. A lot of what I read seems so extreme. My H had most traits but not to the extreme that most articles mention.
I also felt like with my H...he knew enough to keep it in check in front of outside people..for the most part. That is why I am just not sure if he is just innately selfish. He is used to getting his way. He is used to being admired. He is used to being put above others. His mother made sure he felt that way.
I bought a book on narcissism back in September of last year- while we were still together. I wasn't really sure after finishing the book..then when we separated and he went to IC several times- he was told that he lacked empathy. Then he quit IC saying that he knew more than him anyway and didnt need it. Then my IC sensed those traits in his personality too.
I would always joke with my H "I am thinking of you...and you are thinking of you...who is thinking of me?". It was work for him to put me before him. He was able to do it at times..but I think he would put me first occassionally because he knew it was the right thing to do..but not actually because he wanted to. And sometimes when he did put me first...he would be grumpy about it...which made me not even want to be put first to avoid the grumpiness.
An example of this would be....my brother's wedding several years back. My brother's wedding was already planned..me and H are in the wedding party etc etc. We come to find out later, one of H's best friends planned his 2nd wedding that weekend and it is a destination wedding. My H asked if my brother could change his wedding date. Of course he couldn't. We ended up going to his friends wedding destination for a few days..I flew home early for the rehersal dinner. H didn't fly home with me...but flew home the morning of the wedding. He was grumpy. It just wasn't what HE wanted to do..so he was grumpy about it.
Now is he just selfish? don't know. When my IC asked if his mother appeared narcississtic...I said i didn't think so...but then I remembered all the photos of herself that she had up in the house...and she used to carry around a high school picture of herself in her wallet. She said it would make her smile. We would laugh at her thinking she was nuts. But hmmmm. I don't know
