Gottman has some stuff to say and puts it under "defensiveness" which I think is about right :
THE FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE.
After studying couples that wound up divorced, Gottman found that their arguments and conflicts had four things in common that almost guaranteed that a marriage would fail. He called them The Four Horsemen. And he had a 94% prediction rate.
So here they are:
CRITICISM. The First Horseman shows itself by attacking and blaming your spouse’s personality or character. For instance: “You are just lazy! You never take out the trash!” Criticism seems to be close to complaining, but it is different. It is an attack on the very nature of the person in question. Complaining is about expressing anger, displeasure, distress or disagreement about your spouse behavior or an event.
You can tell the difference by the way it is said: Criticism begins by saying “YOU are…. (fill in the blanks)” while a complaint starts the sentence with “I...(need, don’t like, etc.)”
CONTEMPT is the Second Horseman. Here the intention is to insult and psychologically abuse your partner. Here are some examples of this:
Insults and name-calling.
Hostile Humor - using contemptuous jokes or stories.
Mockery - the subtle put-down.
Negative Body Language such as sneering and rolling your eyes.
DEFENSIVENESS. The Third Horseman is evident when our automatic response to thinking we are being attacked is to react defensively. This may have been a lifesaver when we were running from wild creatures in pre-historic times. But when it occurs in arguments, it only escalates the conflict.
Here are some behaviors to look for, in yourself and others:
Denying Responsibility - “I’m not to blame.”
Making Excuses, - “I couldn’t help it. There were forces beyond my control…." "The dog ate my homework!”
Disagreeing with Negative Mind-Reading - Mind-reading shows up when one person says they know what you’re thinking. If you start to argue about what they think you’re thinking, the whole thing spirals out of control. “You think I’m lying. Well… I’m not.” They may not be thinking that at all.
The Rubber Man/Rubber Woman Game - This is reminiscent of the childish saying “I’m rubber; you’re glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you!”
STONEWALLING is the Fourth and most devastating Horseman. This happens when one spouse shuts down and erects a brick wall to end the argument. It turns out men do this more than women, probably because men are more easily physiologically overwhelmed than women. What looks like a neutral position is actually the ultimate powerful act of aggression.
When all four of these behaviors are operating in a marriage, the outlook is not good. These couples are in a Negative Cycle, moving from Complaining to Criticizing to expressing Contempt. The they begin Defending themselves and wind up Stonewalling. This is when they need to see someone who specializes in marriage counseling, and helps them to restore the good marriage.
