keep your expectations low and in check, that way you won't feel lacking or disappointed.
Here's an expectation for you tomorrow: - I will do my best (not try, do or do not, there is no trying) to not argue with my wife who I gave a backrub to the other night and gave me one too, that's all I have for expectations, nothing more, no conversations about the relationship or feelings, no "what about me" talks, no fighting, just a simple day - I will not defend myself in arguments that my wife starts just to test me, I know they're coming and I know she's testing me, I'll just smile and show her how easy it is to defuse these bombs she keeps dropping - I will be a good dad to my children tomorrow - I will be a good person for myself - I will be thankful for the things that I have in my life and stop crying about the things that I don't have and the things I can't control
That's the short list, you can make it longer if necessary but you get my point,
LOW EXPECTATIONS!
"Sometimes I feel she is not confrontational just to make things easy. But easy is better than difficult"
You sound like you're trying to read her mind. Let me give you a heads up on this, stop, you can't read her mind, whatever you're thinking, you're probably wrong.
Another thing, be happy, sounds like you might be hard to please sometimes, get rid of that attitude and be a happy guy, make yourself happy, happiness is a DIY job, always make sure you're smiling, looking and feeling awesome when you're around your wife & kids. ALWAYS!!!
Just leaving my first IC, it was good, as most first sessions go I did a lot of talking. Talked about work, kids, the W and my childhood. Well touched on those subjects a lot of history to cram in 1 hour.
Slept well, W was in good mood this am, with our first sep. 3 years ago she was quick to not wear her rings, this one she has them on all the time.tonight I am meeting with a buddy who is getting married and wants to talk. Don't know if I am the best one to mentor him ;)-
But W will think we r going out to chase women I am sure because my buddy is a good looking guy (also LE) and he and I tore up the town the last time W and I separated.
Let her think whatever she wants to think, she wanted to separate right? If she thinks you guys are out on the town chasing women, let her think those thoughts, let her deal with the feelings associated with those thoughts, feelings of loss, fear of loss, etc. That is when she will start reconsidering her separation ideas.
Good job on the IC stuff, you will find that it is a venue for you to talk without being judged, to get a viewpoint from someone totally unrelated to you, someone who has an objective point of view and you will feel some relief by letting all this stuff out of you by talking to someone, a real life person, it does make a difference.
Yes it was nice to get things out without someone judging me. We did touch on the fact the W takes our S to therapy, and again this is one thing that she did without discussing with me. My IC said I should be upset about that. I also discussed that W is taking S to therapy because he said "daddy is going to die". Being he is only 5 my gut feeling, and also my IC feeling is that the W is planting things in his head, I believe in regards to her not happy that I was drinking excessively. He is only 5 and said to me I was drinking too much beer. the more I think about it, she was planting that seed. As far as he knows it was Daddy drinking his drink, he is too young to know the effects and dangers of alcohol.
Anyway I am going to get to work, pick the kids up at 4 and take them to a Karate intro class to see how they like it. after that its off to the gym, feed them wait for W to get home and then go meet with my buddy.
I did discuss my lying issues with the counselor, he said people lie about little and big things to avoid confrontation. well that about hit it on the head. He said you have to learn how to deal with the confrontation which will take the lying out. As Pin said in order to rebuild trust, do what you say, say what you mean and that boys and girls is what I am going to foucs on.
... Being he is only 5 my gut feeling, and also my IC feeling is that the W is planting things in his head, I believe in regards to her not happy that I was drinking excessively. He is only 5 and said to me I was drinking too much beer. the more I think about it, she was planting that seed. As far as he knows it was Daddy drinking his drink, he is too young to know the effects and dangers of alcohol.
Did it work?
What ultimately got you restrict your intake of alcohol?
Because apparently you did start drinking less. Was it because of your wife asking you to or complaining about your drinking or was it because your kid was involved in that process of being afraid of you dying or asking why you drink so much beer?
Let it be known, I'm not a "tea totaller" or whatever that expression is. I enjoy a few brews just as much as the next guy, I advocate drinking responsibly, not driving when drinking, designated drivers, cabs, etc.
I did discuss my lying issues with the counselor, he said people lie about little and big things to avoid confrontation. well that about hit it on the head. He said you have to learn how to deal with the confrontation which will take the lying out. As Pin said in order to rebuild trust, do what you say, say what you mean and that boys and girls is what I am going to foucs on.
People may not realize it but lying is also a form of control and manipulation. If you've ever been accused by your spouse of being controlling, if you lie regularly about little or big things, it is a way of controlling your spouse.
You see when you tell someone the truth, you can't control their reaction, their reaction based on whatever you told them is up to them, you can't control it.
When you lie to someone, you lie to them to control their reaction to whatever you had to say. Let go of the need to lie to someone, to control their reaction.
Lying to someone to avoid confrontation is your way of controlling your spouse and her reaction to whatever you've done or whatever you have to say. Maybe you're afraid of her responses, maybe you just don't want to deal with the nagging & arguing.
So you've identified that lying is your way of avoiding confrontation, I've given you some methods to help shorten arguments & confrontation that doesn't involve lying.
Looks like you had a good session with that counselor, who knew talking to a professional could help ;-)
yes Rob it was a good session. And yes she has accused me of being controlling manipulative, all the above.
Yes I did quit cold turkey, 3 weeks ago. Was I drinking too much? yes. Did it have a bigger effect hearing it from my S? yes.
Do you think the W saw that I would not listen to her, so maybe if I plant it in S he will listen? if this is where your going I am seeing it clearer now.
I too agree with drinking responsibly, i do not drink and drive, I have seen a lot more accidents than I want to discuss.
And at some point in the future I will thank my W or XW depending on how this turns out, for the criticism on the drinking.
What is pathetic, I actually thought about making up something tonight, to avoid "confrontation" but it needs to be the truth, who I am going to hang out with and the fact he wants to talk to me about his wedding, hell he might be asking me to be his best man and I have a bachelor party to prepare. EIther way I will tell her the truth.
She does not know I set up the C session. If she asks what I ahve been doing I will tell her, but I am not going to rub it in her face like "see i am doing what you expect me to do to get help".
If she asks where you're going, tell her, no worries, you have NO need to lie, I don't think you need to volunteer the info if she doesn't ask, let her ask, she's a big girl, she can ask questions if she really wants to know. You're a big boy, if she asks questions, you don't have to lie, you can tell her the truth regardless if she reacts negatively or not.
