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Great idea nik...however...h couldn't even commit to one night a week for "us" time therefore it is doubtful that h would actually commit to making time for me to have alone time...his argument would be that I can go out any night I want...thing is I'm tired at the end of the day and my going out any night I want always seems to be on some condition of his...ie. put dd to bed first.let him spend an hour on the lawn first..let him get settled in first etc. during our separation after I got tired of playing happy family I decided to take off as soon as he'd arrive...I must say the first time I did that he freaked called my cell phone 5 times for no reason (no message left so therefore wasn't asking where are the diapers or binky or anything significant just freaking out being alone with HIS two babies). My H is just like this, when we separated the first time he came home to put the kids to bed, I asked him something about it and he said “I can put my own kids to bed” all sarcastic, like he hadn’t been avoiding ever doing it for the past 4 years. He drives me nuts on a Sunday morning when I am finally supposed to be allowed to lay in bed a little. DD will cry to get up, he will lay there still sleeping (or pretending) while I go and get her. Then I will park her in front of TV with her bottle and come back to bed. Anyway without boring you with the details, it will take a full hour (at least) and him having to be allowed his coffee and his cigarette first before he will finally take over. After which I am wide awake and don’t want to lay in bed anymore. GRRRRR. You are right it is always first this, first that and we are left holding the fort until they are READY if you please

and of course there are other replies I get from him like..what did you think it was going to be like having kids? Did you ask him the same thing? For crying out loud. Your job IS 24/7 it makes my blood boil when they can’t see that.

or then there's the promise of his slow time coming....but does it ever come? sure last winter was great..but will this one be the same? doubtful as he's no longer trying to woo his way back home.

I must say though that despite the fact that he did stay in the basement watching football from 1 on (he's still down there) he did allow the kids to be down there playing and didn't "yell" at them for being kids..and when dd was whining and wanting to hang on me and wipe snot all over me(she's got a cold and thinks I'm a giant tissue) he did try to get her to sit with him...but she wanted mamma..so I cooked with one hand while holding her in the other cause after all that is what mommas do can't begrudge him just because she wanted me. No you can’t, but you can train them BOTH that dad is just as good. This has always been H’s excuse too and I just went through a period of dumping her with him and walking away anyway with him looking daggers at me and her crying before they would settle down and get on with it. Now she doesn’t mind anymore, and I think it makes him feel better that he is wanted just as much.
what do I want?

some designated me time while the sun is still up.
a designated "date" night with h.
designated or more regular family time.
to know what h's schedule is other than that he works every day..I mean his telling me he'd be home early sat left me thinking he'd be home by 1 not 4. When H says this to me I always say what do you mean by early and try and pin him down rather than guess.
and damn it I want my h to want me!! more often Here here! There is nothing wrong with this list LL it is all perfectly reasonable. Maybe you should write it up on a big sheet of paper and pin it to the bedroom wall. Then be nothing but sweet to your dear H and see if he can get it into his clueless head what HE needs to do to keep LL around - LOL



While I can totally chime in with your pity party LL I wonder what it is that is making H “hide” in his own home. My H has said something to me about not feeling welcome in his own house. Try and think about whether you have been falling off the DB wagon, I guess this is what has been happening with me and H and he is starting to act like he did before the bomb. I think we need to still keep the DBing up but also be as clear and up front about what WE need as we can. Don't let the resentment spill over that is the trick. Lay it on the line when you have to but other than that be a happy little LL who is glad her man is home, otherwise he will be left wondering what he is doing home if all you do is whine and bitch (I know you don't LL, it's just their terms). If you are whining internally you know it WILL be coming across in attitude.

take care

Fran

if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs
Erica Jong