And above all, I want to save ME from the grief/disbelief at how I am being treated after 15 years of a loving marriage that is gripping my heart.
Piano, I just feel for you. I will never give up 100% on your H but it goes without saying that the most important thing right now is for you to take care of yourself! And sometimes that does mean dropping the rope entirely on saving the marriage even before the spouse files for divorce. Sometimes we can take care of ourselves while still working on saving the marriage but it sounds like that he is hurting you way too much for you to do both. (((Piano)))
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Thanks NM, The only way I can imagine taking care of myself is having no contact at all with him, but that just doesn't seem possible (because of bub).
His condescending words "I am so disappointed in you" are just ringing in my head.
Sorry for the pity party! I just blown away by the unjustness of it all.
Thanks Naturally Blessed ((((hugs))). I am aware of your sitch and I hope things go well for you. It's very hard to understand how husbands can dessert wives in their time of need. Thankfully I have some wonderful family members who truly understand the situation. I hope you have some friends helping you out too.
Red, I wanted to say I think his feelings for the OW are real. They are childhood family friends and therefore they are not starting from scratch. I think also the fact that he will be living with her very far away means he does not have to face me and the chaos here. I do believe relationships born out of lies and destruction are doomed, however the distance makes me thinks they'll 'get away with it' because I won't be there to remind them of what they've done. Plus they are probably going to do their damndest to make it work given how much they have hurt so many people.
I really think you should start a thread in infideliy. I really think you can benefit from the guys over there.
I'm no expert, but your husband's words, as cruel as they are, are total script. The put downs, the "you need to get over this", the "it was the best thing I ever did, leaving you high, dry, and pregnant" all point to one thing: he's feeling VERY guilty and you're rubbing salt in the wound by telling him how much he's hurt you. He's protecting himself by being nasty to you.
Remember how just a few weeks ago he broke down when you told him that he was right, he never loved you, your 15 years together was a sham, etc.? When your feelings boil to the surface and you tell him how mean and cruel he is, he can't handle it and attacks you to shut you up. If you were a guy, he'd start a fist fight. But since you're his wife, he attacks your emotions and says things that cut you to the quick. Unfortunately, his words do more damage and last longer than a bloody nose or black eye ever would (not that I'm in ANY way condoning physical or domestic violence, but bruises heal; cruel words and thoughtless acts seldom do).
Deep down he knows he's being a monster, but that same monster has control of this thoughts and actions right now. I'm no psychologist, but I honestly think the pregnancy brought on a MLC of epic proportions because it forced him to deal with all that abandonment baggage from his father. He couldn't deal with it, and you and baby grand are paying the price.
My FIL left when WH was 15 and WH spent the next 25 years hating his dad. When FIL came to live near us for six months back in 2005-2006 with his wife to do some volunteer work and get to know his grandchildren, FIL and WH bonded. At the time, I thought it was good that they finally mended that riff. But WH had HATED his dad for SO long that when the older, kinder FIL showed up, it confused WH's inner child. It contradicted all those feelings he'd had about his dad for 25+ years and he couldn't deal with it. End result? He recreated the chaos in his house that he'd known as a kid in his parents' house. THAT he understands, because he already lived it.
I honestly think your WH is doing the same thing. The grown up in him wants to be a good husband and father, which is why you had 15 wonderful years together and he stood by you through the invitro. But he's recreating the chaos from his childhood to deal with the inner turmoil he's feeling right now about being a father. Any challenge to that from you (and probably your inlaws) is being met with cruel and inhuman verbal blows.
You're right: the best thing you can do right now is to excise him from your life. He's toxic and infecting you.
Compartmentalize the emotions, if you can, and put on your business face. Box up his stuff and get it out of the house. Get a separation agreement in place. Make that visitation schedule, even if he doesn't want it. YOU'RE calling the shots right now, not him. He's toxic and infecting you. You're protecting yourself and baby. Let him deal with his demons on his own, away from you.
Have you talked about divorce with him? Does he want that?
Hi Red, I didn't get much traffic in Infidelity when I was originally there, except from Allen who was great but who gave up on me I think because I went all gushy towards WH after 1.5 months of NC towards the time of birth, as he predicted I would! So no offense to Allen. He was great. I was hopeless at detaching from WH
Also I have been here six months and never attracted any advice from the other vets. I wondered if being pregnant made some of us here a bit of a "taboo" bunch?
Yes WH wants divorce. Said it right from the beginning, that it what just a piece of paper and a natural progression from being separated. In my country we have to wait 12 months before divorce can be filed, which makes it Feb 2011 before he can file.
I also realised WH needed a divorce asap because his original plan was to bring OW to live here (so he could have OW and be near his child) and she would need to come on defacto/married visa. This is no longer his plan after finding no work here.- he is going to her in Europe.
Thankyou for outling the dynamics at work in my interactions with WH. You are totally spot on.
Obviously the first thing I need to do is stop projecting a hurt front & put on my business face..and hightale it over to Infidelity.
Reminds me of when my WH said to me: "I can't believe you're doing this to me." I was blinking, aghast. . . what?!?
Seeing Red's insights-- wow!
Your WH IS on a crazy journey that you DO just need to be away from. I support your dropping the rope. Moving to Infidelity is fine, but I don't think there's anything you can do to assist your WH right now. Their advice will likely be 'focus on YOU' and it's true. They might have some good advice over there on how to cope, and that could be useful.
Visits without you? That is okay. Gets you away from his turmoil!!
Have you talked to a L yet? Find out what your parental rights are. Go for full custody and setup a visitation schedule. Do what YOU want to do. And NEED to do.
If he doesn't want a visitation schedule, that's his tough luck. You are the mother, stop having him control how you are going to live your life. He doesn't own you. Start living and thriving for yourself. He gave up his "right" to be a father when he started going after OW. You are not powerless. Being a mother makes you more powerful than you or he can ever imagine.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Hi Mr Bond, thanks for stopping by. I have spoken to a L and in my country there is no such thing anymore as full custody. Everything thesedays is about CO-parenting, 50/50. He'd have to be a criminal or drug addict for me to get sole parenting rights.
But I can take charge more. And I figured out today that the way I do that is by not caring about WH thinks. Just start thinking and acting more for myself, almost selfishly, or I guess, like a divorced person.
I've been trying to please WH for too long.
I shoulda kicked him to the curb from the beginning, and I reckon I'd be in a different place right now if I had. Wouldacouldashoulda as Newmama likes to say!
Had a big day. Agent inspected our apartment which I am putting out to rent. MIL took care of baby while I was doing that and removing some initital stuff. Then BIL came over for drinks. He says he doesn't like his brother at all right now, especially when he talks about OW and how madly in love he is with her and how much he believes in 'true love' blah blah blah.
Just realised I am married to a teenager and I don't want a teenager. I want a real man who doesn't use love as an excuse to cut and run from his wife and newborn baby. I'd also be happy to be alone. I can't believe I bought into his mess for so long!
I don't think I will move to Infidelity cos I think you are right G about the advice I'd get.
It's about ME now. Got to become the kind of woman who can stand on her own.
