It's time for an update from vacation. Don't know where to start.
Tomorrow I expose to W's aunt. Not sure how I'm going to broach to subject but I'll feel my way through it.
My thoughts (because she is her side) is to ask "If I were to tell you that our family is imploding because I had an affair, would you support me?" Obviously, I'd get a no. then I tell her the real reason we are imploding. And that the A is dommed; W will get hurt; the OM is also recently separated (and also did so in order to pursue the A/take the easy way; and, if you ever meet him or hear of him, please remember where he came from and how much he cost our family.
The OM's W stays in touch and seems to be grasping things and trying to GAL and detach. OM still tries to stay "loose; friendly and engaging". She ignores it. One word late answers.
My W is all over the map still. Odd BBMesngr statuses; but since the texts 'auditioning for mother of the year' (promise me you'll look afetr my baby; let me know when you arrive; etc) I haven't heard boo.
I've been trying to concentrate on enjoying my time with family and D but my brain always comes back qround to "the sitch" and I just can't pick a consistent feel. for it.
I go from anger; resentment; irritation; thoughts of sarcasm; to hopelessness; self-loathing and sadness that "all of the above" means I'm not getting my life back as quickly as I'd hoped or expected.
And it makes me crazy that when I see her, I still long for the chance to get "the old W" back and trying desperately to make sense of the person I am dealing with.
It drives me nuts to be on this site all the time as I should be doing "my stuff" but converseley I need to be immersed in it to try to make the mindset "natural".
Sorry everyone but I'm running out of gas. I think I need to focus more on "No More Mr Nice Guy" and deal with MY issues more than trying to understand her. She's unpredicatable and not the person I know so there is nothing in her words or actions that really mean anything to me. They just hurt.
Anyone got some 4x4's or something to shake me out of this? Only interesting thing is that I miss being able to work out. Never thought I'd say that.
And this is a lousy time to even consider quitiing smoking, though I know I'd eventually feel good about it and look better. I just don't have the "spare" concentration available to deal with that problem simultaneously.
My eyes are closed so feel free to sneak up and annoint my melon with something revolutionary.
I don't have anything revolutionary, unfortunately, but I can say it's normal to go back and forth and inbetween all these emotions!
I agree that it's a fine line - with coming here and thinking on situation to GAL. I get so much needed support here yet I don't want to spend all my time "on the sitch" that I'm not GAL! And, of course, I feel that helping others on here also helps me work through my stuff.
My biggest piece of advice? Allow yourself a set amount of time to think on/grieve for W each day. You have to go through that. However, once that timer is up, you FORCE your mind into some other thought process: read a book, cook something that requires concentrating on a recipe, try a new task... whatever gets your mind on something else. My class I'm taking is awesome for this!
I posted a bunch of other things on a thread in Newcomers that work for me, but this part is essential.
I know that kids are hard too. You want so much to be a good parent and to be fully in the moment with them. Yet, it's hard to look at them and not feel sorrow for that fact that you cannot control the world crashing down on them that WS is bringing. That gets to me more than anything. BUT... my kids will know that for MY part, I did everything I could to preserve that world. I hope that through that, they learn a valuable lesson.
I truly think the Dobson book will help your mindset tremendously...
I've been trying to concentrate on enjoying my time with family . . .
Sorry everyone but I'm running out of gas. I think I need to focus more on "No More Mr Nice Guy" and deal with MY issues more than trying to understand her. . . .
Anyone got some 4x4's or something to shake me out of this?
Why would I have 4x4's, that you've shifted the focus now to you and your daughter? I believe I RECOMMENDED that you do that after you confronted her, no??
If you're saying you don't have the stomach for exposure anymore, I do think that would be a mistake ("a", I think exposure works, and "b", your wife is the type [overly concerned with image] that would seem to be succeptible to its effects), but this evolution is both natural and NECESSARY, CD.
It simply wouldn't be emotionally or even physically healthy for you to stay amped up in "game mode" day after day, to the same level that you were the last two weeks. You're going to have individual moments, or days, when you'll have to get yourself back into that, in order to accomplish something tactically, but that's it.
Think Lawrence "L.T." Taylor at the end of his career. He couldn't dial it up on every given play anymore, but he damned sure could turn it on when he had to.
And this is a lousy time to even consider quitiing smoking, though I know I'd eventually feel good about it and look better. I just don't have the "spare" concentration available to deal with that problem simultaneously.
I'm torn on this one. Yeah, it could just make you more irritable and unable to concetrate, but it could also be a HUGE jolt to your self-esteem and sense of accomplishment.
Let's face it, men need to feel like WINNERS, and this (our own spouse's infidelity) rips out just about the biggest CHUNK of our self-esteem as possible. Getting your "mojo" back would be great, and this would be an awesome way to get it back.
My biggest piece of advice? Allow yourself a set amount of time to think on/grieve for W each day. You have to go through that. However, once that timer is up, you FORCE your mind into some other thought process: read a book, cook something that requires concentrating on a recipe, try a new task... whatever gets your mind on something else.
This is awesome advice, Sunny. For me, it was that I still had horrible days/nights, crying jags, etc., but they came fewer and further between. IOW, I went from my first week of wallowing, to two bad days/1 good day, then pretty soon that was reversed to two GOOD days/1 bad day, and then eventually I only had a really bad day about once every two weeks or so.
Also, once I had all of the evidence I REALLY needed, I adjusted how often I looked at/listened to my intel. From several times per day to 1x/week.
I'm torn on this one. Yeah, it could just make you more irritable and unable to concetrate, but it could also be a HUGE jolt to your self-esteem and sense of accomplishment.
And the withdrawal will pass in a matter of weeks and is only temporary, right?
I think I need to quit smoking again too
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
For me, it was that I still had horrible days/nights, crying jags, etc., but they came fewer and further between. IOW, I went from my first week of wallowing, to two bad days/1 good day, then pretty soon that was reversed to two GOOD days/1 bad day, and then eventually I only had a really bad day about once every two weeks or so.