the obvious to me is that i've lost a good friend. i've lost a marriage. i've lost the person who i wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
but i also lost who i was in the process. i've worked on regaining the real me. i feel like i'm just a machine, doing things. the thing i discovered about myself is that often times i feel like it's my job to bring out the best in everybody. and i love doing it.
and that's what i bring to the table. that's what makes me valuable.
a lot of times, i focus on others and bringing out the best in others. during this time to myself, others have brought out the best in me.
squash brought out the athlete in me - i was never involved in sports in high school. look at me now. i joke about wearing the cute shorts and skirts to squash but i honestly do believe that the top players have helped me out because they see that i'm trying. and they make me work my butt off on the court until i get it right. they've challenged me physically. it was the only way to get better.
living on my own and the baking class brought out the chef in me. i'm a darn good cook. i learn to cook healthy and eat well doesn't mean eating expensive. i learned to manage my budget and still eat healthy. i'm in great shape, i haven't gotten sick (knock on wood), and i know that i have to take care of me cuz nobody else will. in the fall, i plan on taking a leadership course for professional development. i can't wait to see what i can do there. all this has challenged me mentally. it was the only way to make me stronger.
this forum has challenged me emotionally. allow me to talk about my past, how it has affected me, how i react to things. like the thing my dad has said to me in the past, how it has affected me. why the 'gold digger' comment bothers me so much that i couldn't let it go. everyone wondered why. and now you know. it's been really eye opening.
i don't want to stop living or growing. life is too much fun and when it is that much fun, i want to bring someone along for the ride. it seems so selfish to be enjoying all of this yourself.
i want someone to hold my hand as we jump off the deep end into adventure, and someone willing to work hard at being together. so .. who wants to hold my hand when we take the big leap? at the moment, nobody. and that's what i've lost. that person who's hand i would hold on to while taking the big leap.
i don't know what he is losing - that would be mind reading. but he's definitely losing out on someone who would have made life adventurous. someone who would have brought out the best in him.
you know, forrest .. when you gave me that 30-day challenge, i thought it was about rediscovering who i was and working on making me the best person i can be. you told me to only talk about myself. no h, no ILs. just me.
so i focused on things i did. squash, baking, who did i help today, who smiled back when i smiled, what did i do differently today?
and i worked hard on that thinking, forrest is challenging me. this is how you get me to do work - you challenge me.
i forgot about the statement. i didn't quite understand what the statement was for or how it fit into this plan. but i figure you would guide me to that later.
my 30 days has expired. i want you to know i didn't half-ass attempt the challenge. i really did try and i didn't do it to save my m. i did it for me. i'm still on shaky ground. i am better than before but not quite there yet. i don't have much time either. i have not seen him in almost three weeks. but i continue to do what i want to do - work hard, play hard.
