"it was an ego boost that yes, someone finds me interesting."

I find you interesting.. was that not enough?

"but i realize that i haven't let go yet. i'm not ready."

Right.

"even though i've ranted about it in the past, it's not what i really want."

What do you want? Why are you failing at figuring out what you want?

"it's not who i am."

Who are you?

Relax
Eat
Think
Act normal
React.. Smartly.
Do something different.
Emulate.
Do Work.

Lets get "RETARDED" in here.